Constantly worried

[BITLA]

Hello again
My mum (81) has Alzheimer’s and will be officially told tomorrow, a concern as she has bad anxiety. She had a bad night last night, very agitated so my Dad (82) says. She won’t let me go to the appointment as I according to her interfere (more likely to tell doctor the truth). My Dad says, though we don’t really know whether she will or not have a carer come to the house, that she won’t have anyone I work full time and am the only member of family around. My brother lives in Tasmania. My Dad looks dreadful and won’t let me help, and my Mum is agitated when I visit as she thinks my Dad and I are always talking about her. I end up leaving so it doesn’t make it difficult for my Dad. I worry about what will happen if my Dad becomes ill from looking after her, as she will not be able to look after herself and I have no room in my house for her to stay and I could not go and live at there house as I still work. It is just one big worry for me and I don’t have the best relationship with them. Never been loving towards me. Some days it just feels overwhelming. Feel guilty can’t do more than I can do. Anyone have the same experience?

 

[Lou16]

Hello again
My mum (81) has Alzheimer’s and will be officially told tomorrow, a concern as she has bad anxiety. She had a bad night last night, very agitated so my Dad (82) says. She won’t let me go to the appointment as I according to her interfere (more likely to tell doctor the truth). My Dad says, though we don’t really know whether she will or not have a carer come to the house, that she won’t have anyone I work full time and am the only member of family around. My brother lives in Tasmania. My Dad looks dreadful and won’t let me help, and my Mum is agitated when I visit as she thinks my Dad and I are always talking about her. I end up leaving so it doesn’t make it difficult for my Dad. I worry about what will happen if my Dad becomes ill from looking after her, as she will not be able to look after herself and I have no room in my house for her to stay and I could not go and live at there house as I still work. It is just one big worry for me and I don’t have the best relationship with them. Never been loving towards me. Some days it just feels overwhelming. Feel guilty can’t do more than I can do. Anyone have the same experience?

Ive had similar experience with this as in the anxious side of your mums Alzheimer’s and we were the only family members that looked after my grandma. She had 4 children only my mum cared. My grandma was very anxious with her dementia too, unfortunately it’s just what happens. However has it been suggested about a day centre for your Mum? It would take strain of your dad for a few hours so he can have time to himself to just relax or catch up on sleep if she doesn’t sleep. My grandma never slept either, she once had 3 hours sleep in 3 days. I don’t know how she kept awake for so long. Again that’s part of the disease unfortunately but then i have seen it go the other way where they just sleep all day. If it’s making your dad ill too, has anyone had a thought about a Home? I may only be 16 but I’d looks down after my grandma from 14 and I’ve seen many types of dementia and care homes and I’m wanting to go into the dementia sector so I know quite a lot about it as having first hand experience
Hope this helps
Lou x

 

[LadyA]

Hello again
My mum (81) has Alzheimer’s and will be officially told tomorrow, a concern as she has bad anxiety. She had a bad night last night, very agitated so my Dad (82) says. She won’t let me go to the appointment as I according to her interfere (more likely to tell doctor the truth). My Dad says, though we don’t really know whether she will or not have a carer come to the house, that she won’t have anyone I work full time and am the only member of family around. My brother lives in Tasmania. My Dad looks dreadful and won’t let me help, and my Mum is agitated when I visit as she thinks my Dad and I are always talking about her. I end up leaving so it doesn’t make it difficult for my Dad. I worry about what will happen if my Dad becomes ill from looking after her, as she will not be able to look after herself and I have no room in my house for her to stay and I could not go and live at there house as I still work. It is just one big worry for me and I don’t have the best relationship with them. Never been loving towards me. Some days it just feels overwhelming. Feel guilty can’t do more than I can do. Anyone have the same experience?

Hello Bitla, and welcome. It's hard to see our parents getting old and frail, just as, I'm sure, it's very difficult for them to get to where they are not the ones helping the younger generation, but are now having to look for help themselves!

First of all, if it comes to it, I would put all thoughts of moving or having your mother move, should anything happen to your dad, out of your head. It is not your responsibility, as you have to work. I think I would arrange for a Needs Assessment for your mum and a Carer's Assessment for your dad, as a matter of urgency. It could be that it's your dad that's reluctant to have someone in, out of fear of what would happen if it's seen that he's not able to cope. Maybe you could approach it as something they are entitled to, having paid their NI contributions, so they may as well use it in their old age, and take things a bit easier. A Day Centre ("Social Club"?) for your mum is also a good idea. The few hours break would be very good for your dad.
And make sure that they are receiving any benefits they are entitled to - Attendance Allowance and the Council Tax discount.

And do talk to her doctor about the anxiety and agitation. He may be able to prescribe something to help. That would make a difference for your dad too.