Conflicting emotions

Discussion in 'End of life care' started by Deb57, Feb 12, 2019 at 7:00 PM.

  1. Deb57

    Deb57 New member

    Feb 8, 2019
    6
    My husband is nearing the end of his life and I’m struggling with conflicting feelings. I’ve always thought it would be a grea relief when he passes away, as his quality of life has been non-existent for many months, but now the end is closer I’m worried that I’m going to miss my visits to him terribly, seemingly pointless though they are. He is immobile and has not communicated in any way for about 9 months, but can I be sure he has no quality of life? What if he’s actually quite content in bed? He’s well looked after, warm, comfortable and fed so perhaps he is quite ok to carry on living like this.
    I’m so muddled and sad.
     
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,103
    Male
    This conflict of thoughts would only be natural in this situation and letting go will never be easy, even if it is obviously the best thing to do.

    I would advise that you shouldn't be afraid to seek assistance at this difficult time and you may find that your GP may be able to help.

    Be assured, the members here will be supportive. However, beyond that, it may be useful to speak to a person in the short term and, whilst we have our own helpline, it may be useful to have a chat with the Samaritans - their helpline details are

    Samaritans: Call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

    Open 24 hours, 365 days a year
     
  3. chickenlady

    chickenlady Registered User

    Feb 28, 2016
    67
    My Dad died on November 2018 and my Mum felt guilty at feeling relief, eventually she has come to terms with the fact that he had no quality of life and no dignity, the husband she knew wouldn't have wanted people to be toiletting him and giving him personal care, he would have been relieved to let go. Her feelings of sadness were, she said, her feeling sorry for herself and lonely and she couldn't wish him back despite missing him every single hour of every day. I am relieved that he didn't linger on and that I was able to nurse him at the end but that doesn't mean I love him or miss him less. It's difficult to articulate how you feel but talk to the staff who are caring for him as they deal with people experiencing these emotions every day. Keep posting on here.
     
  4. Malalie

    Malalie Registered User

    Sep 1, 2016
    300
    Female
    I am ill equipped to reply to you really as I only have experience with a Mum. I know that it must be an entirely different thing when it's your husband, so apologies if I offend.

    However, your post is so sad - you must have gone through so many unhappy and distressing times to even get to the laudable place where you are now. Your poor husband is warm, comfortable, fed and safe, and you are visiting. You have done brilliantly well.

    There will be people replying who are in exactly the same situation a you with empathy and ideas I'm certain.

    The Pre Cruse thing that you spoke about earlier sounds really interesting - I've never heard anyone talk about that on here at all although "anticipatory grief" does come up a lot. A bereaved friend joined CRUSE and found it really helpful.

    'Muddled, sad and with totally conflicting emotions' is normal for someone who is going through what you are experiencing and I'm glad that you have found yourself here. Sorry, no practical help at all, just sympathy and wishes that things go well with you. XX
     
  5. Deb57

    Deb57 New member

    Feb 8, 2019
    6
    Thanks for your kind words, they’re really helpful. X
     
  6. Deb57

    Deb57 New member

    Feb 8, 2019
    6
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, all very helpful. My conflict arises partly because nobody has ever recovered from dementia, unlike people in a coma, so how can anyone be 100% sure they have no quality of life? Of course, it wouldn’t be any quality of life to us, but we aren’t in the same state so we can’t really compare. My worry is that i am not wanting his life to be prolonged for my own reasons, i.e it is so distressingly painful to see him like this, rather than any sound knowledge of how he really is. Does this sound mad?
     

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