Concerned

[Blueband]

My mum was recently diagnosed with dementia but has not accepted it. She thinks she is perfectly fine and that myself and family members are making her out to be crazy. She has accused a few of us of stealing from her and is convinced that I am poisoning her. I have tried to reason with her but due to covid 19 it has given her the perfect excuse not to have any of us in her house. Even though things are still going a miss she still thinks it's not down to her moving them but that they were obviously taken at an earlier date. Note sure what to do or say to make her understand that her memory is causing problems. Would appreciate any advice on how to handle this. Thank you for your time x

 

[canary]

Hello @Blueband and welcome to DTP.

Im afraid that all the things you mention - not accepting the diagnosis, accusations of stealing and poisoning, are all symptoms of dementia.

Im afraid that you will never be able to convince her that she is the one at fault because due to her dementia her reality is not the same as actual reality. She is aware that Things Are Not Right, but has lost the self awareness to understand that she herself is this Something, so she blames everything and everyone around her. Trying to convince her otherwise with just make her angry or upset, because she knows that its not her

I would just try pacifying her - say something like, Im sorry mum, I dont know where its got either, Im sure it will turn up.

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome from me too @Blueband

As @canary says you will not be able to convince your mum that she is not right no matter how outlandish and bizarre her ideas are . I found this was useful to give me some ideas about how to deal with my dad. Not always easy to follow but it does help.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

As long as your mum is safe it might be a good idea to step back for a while. My dad eventually forgot all the nasty accusations he made against family members.

My dad became worse with a new medication which didn’t suit him (and improved when the dosage was reduced) but sadly for most people it is just part of the disease.

 

[Rosettastone57]

My mum was recently diagnosed with dementia but has not accepted it. She thinks she is perfectly fine and that myself and family members are making her out to be crazy. She has accused a few of us of stealing from her and is convinced that I am poisoning her. I have tried to reason with her but due to covid 19 it has given her the perfect excuse not to have any of us in her house. Even though things are still going a miss she still thinks it's not down to her moving them but that they were obviously taken at an earlier date. Note sure what to do or say to make her understand that her memory is causing problems. Would appreciate any advice on how to handle this. Thank you for your time x

If you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view, you will wait forever. As others have said, these sort of accusations are quite normal with dementia, in fact, they are almost diagnostic in themselves. They are not easy to deal with, but with my mother in law who had mixed dementia , it was easier to just try and say something to distract her or to pacify her. I was accused of removing eggs from her fridge , which I hadn't, but I told her they were past the used by date , so I had thrown them away. I hadn't done any of it, but I was more than happy to lie to her to stop her aggression. Both my husband and I became adept at lying to her about all sorts of things to reduce her anxiety and aggression.
My mother in law used to accuse the carers of stealing or swapping her sheets to other ones of another colour. There was never any point in trying to reason with her. I used to say that I would bring it up with the care agency manager and I would deal with it. Most of the time, she seemed to be ok with that until the next accusation came along. We had accusations about money being taken from her account after my husband and I took over her banking using POA . We redirected her post to stop statements and bills coming through to avoid her poring over the paperwork and making rash accusations. When she asked for statements, we just told her they had stopped doing these anymore. Not easy , I know. Once she got to the later stages , this phase disappeared somewhat.

 

[Sarasa]

My mother was exactly the same at that stage @Blueband. She'd tell everyone I had Alzheimer's and was trying to make out she had it instead. She was also convinced the neighbours came into her small flat, stole things, then brought them back and moved thing around.
I've said this before but the family had three approaches. My husband tried the 'you are mistaken, it's you' approach. My son and I tried logic ' Is it more likely that your neighbours have somehow got your key, come in and you never see them or is it you moving things?' The only approach that worked was my brothers. He treated mum like his dog and offered treats to distract her instead.
It becomes tricky if your mum does take against a family member or neighbour that she thinks are doing these things. My mother was forever calling out the police about her neighbours. In the end that, and various other things meant I had to move her to a care home.
Does your mum have any help coming in, mum refused all my suggestions hence me having to use my Lasting Power of Attorney for Finance and for Health and Welfare and sell her flat and move her into care. If you haven't set up Lasting Power of Attorney yet now is the time to do it. We were lucky in that one of mum's friends convinced her it was the right thing to do. She might not have agreed if the family pushed it. Details hereLasting Power of Attorney