Circle of sadness for my dear Mum

[Twiglet63]

This is my first time asking, I use TP for answers to 'standard' questions, I hope the forum can help guide me on the best way to manage an upsetting circle of events.

I care for my mother who was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer's in 2012. I have fulfilled the Alzheimer's Society local training course which was invaluable in terms of understanding how best to care for someone with Dementia.

On Friday last week a very dear friend of Mum's died in quite tragic circumstances. My Mum was with me when we received the call, so I explained as much as I knew which she seemed to understand whilst obviously being upset.

Fast forward to one day later, we bumped into someone who had heard the news too. He said to both of us "Have you heard the tragic news about Guy? Oh how horrible for the family etc etc". This seemed to send Mum into a 'spin' as I call it, her immediate response was "no one told me, I didn't know" as she couldn't recall our conversation.

The crux of my 'hindsight' question is....should I take it on the chin (as recommended in the training) in a 'Oh Mum, I am sorry that's my fault, I meant to tell you that Guy had died" or do I say "We talked about this on Friday, we said that we would go to his funeral" to try and encourage the memory and desperately trying not to use the words "don't you remember", because clearly she can't!!!

I don't know what to do for the best. Its perpetual sadness for her.

Any tips or hints gratefully received.


Katie

 

[Beate]

I would say, "sorry I forgot to mention it", then never mention it again and warn others not to either, as she is clearly not able to remember anymore, and it would be cruel to give her grief each time someone mentions it again. I'm not sure attending the funeral is a great idea either, btw.

 

[sunray]

I would say "sorry I forgot to mention it" too. When the memory goes it is like a tape deck with just an old tape that holds old memories which it can still play but no longer records. So the person can reminisce about 40 years ago but not remember what you said two minutes ago. I would have just said: "Isn't that sad Mum?" so she could join in but not worry about "not knowing".

Sue.

 

[onlyme1]

Sunray, I really like your analogy here about the tape player.

 

[Elaine E]

Loss of a very dear husband and carer - my wonderful father

I think dealing with loss is extremely difficult when supporting a loved one with dementia. We have recently lost my very dear father and my mother's beloved husband of 59 years. She has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia and even though she cannot remember that he passed away two weeks ago, she misses him, asks about him and at times is clearly dreadfully sad but she doesn't know why. Any advice on supporting my mother at this time would be much appreciated. Thank you. This is my first post.

 

[DMac]

I think dealing with loss is extremely difficult when supporting a loved one with dementia. We have recently lost my very dear father and my mother's beloved husband of 59 years. She has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia and even though she cannot remember that he passed away two weeks ago, she misses him, asks about him and at times is clearly dreadfully sad but she doesn't know why. Any advice on supporting my mother at this time would be much appreciated. Thank you. This is my first post.

Elaine, welcome to Talking Point. I am so sorry for your loss.

Like you, I support my mother-in-law who has Alzheimer's, who lost her husband just a month ago. My mother-in-law is aware of her loss, but forgets that others know as well, and feels the need to tell everyone (including close family members) that he has passed away, every time they visit.

There are no real solutions, other than to sympathise and reassure her that we are still here for her, and we will continue to care for her.

For the funeral service, I printed and framed a recent photo of my father-in-law, to display on the coffin. My mother-in-law has taken a liking to this photo and, touchingly, took it with her after the wake in preference to all the flowers! She now has this photo displayed in her living room. I like to think this photo gives her some comfort.

Wishing you and your mother strength for the days and weeks ahead. xx