1. maria29al

    maria29al Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    I went to see Dad in the Chapel of Rest yesterday.
    At first it was a shock. He is in his bamboo "bed" (as we like to call it). He looked very serene and almost back to the Dad I remember before he got so ill.
    We placed letters to him from us all by his sides. His hands were folded and looked so beautiful. He is wearing a white gown. He looked asleep.
    It has really helped me feel more comfortable with his passing away. I still weep buckets at the drop of a hat but I feel calmer inside as to Dads well being now. I know he is happy and with loved ones, yet still watching over those who he loves and who love him here. He will be greatly missed yet I feel I can almost move on now...just the funeral to go..which I know will be so difficult..then I will be able to let him drift off peacefully.

    It was upsetting but so beautiful to see him and I am glad I went.

  2. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Maria. Lovely of you to share that. The idea of seeing a loved one in a Chapel of Rest is obviously a very personal choice, and whilst it can be very upsetting I think can be so reassuring too.

    I will never forget being at dad's side, knowing he had already passed on literally minutes before I arrived .... dreading having to be there and yet when I saw him, he was 'dad' again - as if his illnesses had disappeared, the gaunt look, the anxiety all vanished..... there was a wonderful sense that - for him- at last there was peace..... of all the people I might have been expected to see in a Chapel of Rest - and have - my dad wasn't one of them. Didn't need to - as you say - had already seen his 'serenity'.

    This is a beastly time (on top of whatever has gone before) .... the prospect of the funeral keeps the adrenaline going, if just on practical levels, and puts the real grieving process on hold....

    Hold on to that vision of beauty and serenity .... amidst the sadness of a funeral, there is too, a celebration of a life...

    Thinking of you, Karen (TF), x
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Maria
    I had a similar experience with my FIL last year - what it did for me was to confirm that his essence was nolonger there - he had moved on. It made the funeral so much easier (though I cried buckets), just knowing that he was not in the coffin, just his shell.
    Parts of the funeral will be hard - but go with the flow. You did all you could for your dad whilst he was alive, and now you are giving him a fitting goodbye.
    Thinking of you.
    Love Helen
  4. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    North East
    Hiya Maria

    My dad died last year and I was the one to find him. I would have liked to say that he looked peaceful, but the cancer had made him so gaunt - not at all like the Dad I am starting to remember again now. What a lovely idea to put letters in with your dad - I wish we'd thought of that.

    The funeral is an awful day - Mum not really knowing what was going on seemed to make it more heartbreaking for us. We decided to have Jim Reeves 'Distant Drums' (one of Dad's oldie favourites) play as the coffin disappeared behind the curtains and it was so moving for everyone there.

    At least you'll know that you'll be surrounded by family and friends.

  5. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Hi Maria

    Never talk about this before , but when I saw my dad about half hour after he died from a heart attack all that came into my mind was that my father was gone & all that I am seeing now is his shell .

    after two weeks in the chapel of rest in the funeral paler, because there was a lot of death over Christmas, mum wanting me to accompany her every day for 2 weeks dad was not a nice sight .

    How you shared with us seeing your father sounds very peaceful (Even thought yes very upsetting like you say ) that’s how I would like to see my mother when she passes away .

    4 years on for me early days for you ,when I say you do learn to live with it & learn from it for the next death that may come along to Forces on the happy memories that you shared with a loved one not the Negative
  6. maria29al

    maria29al Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    Thank you all for the lovely messages.

    I agree with the comments about Dads body just being a shell now...I feel he is "hovvering" around us somewhere at the moment.

    We have chosen some lovely music for the funeral.
    My Immortal by Evanescence
    A Mi Manera by Il Divo
    La Vie en Rose by Edith Piaf

    Dad was a linguist so we thought some foreign songs appropriate and he adored listening to Edith Piaf.

    One problem I have is that Dad contracted MRSA whilst in Hospital and I have had a meeting with the powers that be there only to receive a fob-off letter. I think it is something I need to pursue with my sister for support but really dont know where to start...I suppose I will have to go back through PALs....

    Oh well...nothing is ever easy!

    Thanks once again,

    You are all lovely!
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    My father loved the music Tunes of the bells so thought that should be played at his funeral, dad had a tape with the music on it with some other music ,so my brother set it up to play from the beginning of the part that played Tunes of the bells ,but what came out was some Reggie music ,can’t remember the name, but bob Marley played it .we all look at each other & I thought oh well dad did like reggae music, bet his some where around us laughing at the mix up .

    Hope you have a peaceful day at your father funeral that is humanly possible all te best .
  8. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    My mother had chosen "All through the night" for her funeral, found it among her papers just in time.

    I didn't see her body after her death.

    I'm still in bad shock and confusion and disbelief.

  9. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    #9 Lynne, Jun 25, 2006
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2006
    My experience of seeing my own Dad (not AD) was the same as you have described. After the awful weeks leading up to his death, when he was in pain and distress, all that had fallen away from his face wham he died, and he was back to the 'normal' Dad of over 3 years previously. One of the nurses had, very kindly, put his hands folded together on his chest and placed a small flower under them. He looked just as if he was having a nap, after an afternoon in the garden - So at ease & peaceful. But that flower did it - I wept buckets!

    But you are right that the funeral gives most people 'closure' (as they say across the pond) and, strangely, I didn't find it difficult. Family & friends were all united in their love for him, and the atmosphere was very positive. The conversation afterwards was mostly swapping reminiscences of Dad, and it seems to help reinstate the man he had been all his life, not the 'impatient patient' of recent months. I hope you find it to be the same.

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