Caring for elderly step parent who may or may not have dementia


New member
Apr 18, 2024
Hi there, I am caring for my 85 year old step father after my mother passed in 2022. I moved him into my home 5 months after my Mom passed. He has increasing been more and more difficult to deal with. He is rude to my OH who cooks a nice supper for him every evening and takes care of him if I have to be away from the home. He doesn't find happiness in anything. He sits in him bedroom calling his brother and daughter, and talks bad about me with each call. Yesterday, he told his brother that I was the devil herself. We don't take him to restaurants anymore because he is rude to the wait staff. If we go out, we eat in the car. He is more and more, doing things in secret. His brother in law and sister in law took him out for the past couple of days. He complained about me the whole time. He asked them to buy him chocolate because I would not let him have any. His SIL told me that. I told her that I don't buy him chocolate because his endocrinologist said he can't have it due to his severe diabetes. But I am the bad guy. They took him to talk to my boss. They both are coin collectors. I have told him that I don't want him bothering my boss. He is a doctor that has patients and is in surgery a good part of the day. His SIL said they didn't know that but he was insisting on seeing him, walked in the back door and sat down waiting on him. I am at wits end and have been talking about assisted living and nursing home. His care needs are in between assisted and nursing. He agrees that he needs to do this at some point (this he says to my face); to his brother and SIL he says he's not going. None of his family wants him. After I agreed to take him, I found out that his kids were verbally abused by him and want to stay at arms length. I am hoping to at least get him in respite care for a week or two so I can get my sanity back. He has been tested for dementia and passed with flying colors. I know he has some. I told the dr that this was ashame that he passed, it just confirmed for me that he is just MEAN. I would appreciate any insight or suggestions to deal with this situation.


Registered User
Apr 8, 2024
Really sorry to read what you are having to put up with.

If the powers-that-be say he has capacity and does not have dementia, I would suggest your next step is to state to the authorities that you can no longer have him living in your home, as he is abusive towards you. You state that the authorities need to rehouse him immediately and tell them he will be made homeless otherwise. Are you based in the UK? I would contact the local council's Housing Team and tell them. I would also make adult social care aware.

Ultimately, you have no responsibility towards him and you should not have to tolerate an abusive person living in your home. You might also get advice and support from an organisation that specialises in domestic abuse, e.g.

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