Carers Guilt

[Skirton]

This week, after 3 sleepless nights with my Dad, not just getting up, but also waking me up every time, because he didn't know where he was, I have made the decision to put him into a full time care home.

I'm sat here now crying because I feel so horrible, but I just can't cope. I have mental health problems, and my brother has learning difficulties, we have been through dementia before, as we cared for our Mum for 9 years, and earlier this year I supported my older brother when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he died in my arms on the 31st of March, and his death caused a massive decline in my Dads dementia, so he's now at a point where I just can't cope anymore.

The guilt is building inside of me like a volcano that's about to erupt, it feels like I've abandoned him, and I don't know what to do.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi. You have no need to feel guilty, easier said than done I know. There are 2 things I could definitely not cope with that would lead me to put my dad in care, sleepless nights and violence. And I think in my case it would only take one of them. Not both as you have had to cope with. I know you've been through a lot lately and you need time to grieve for your brother and look after yourself for a while.

Take the time out and maybe you will see things in a more positive light. Many people have said how well their loved ones have done in care, maybe it will suit your dad. You're not giving up on him. Just trying to make the best decision for everyone.

 

[spbeagle]

Don't feel guilty - you have done your best by looking after him for a long time and he now needs more care than one person can provide. I was finding it increasingly difficult to care for my Mum at home when a medical emergency, unconnected with dementia, resulted in her admission to hospital. She wasn't expected to survive but did and was admitted to a care home for 'rehabilitation' - not much chance of rehabilitation but it gave her additional support at a very difficult time and me time to
realise that no matter how much I wanted her to continue living with me it was no longer practicable because her dementia was so advanced that she needed full time support. Now if she wakes in the night the night staff can comfort her, make her a cup of tea and supervise her walking up and down if that is what she wants to do.

Be proud of the support you have given your Dad and that you have realised that he needs more support than one person can reasonably provide -you will still be supporting him by visiting him at the home. My Mum has now settled into her new home after several months of not wanting to be there and although I still have some concerns I know that it is much better for her to be there than with me.

 

[BeardyD]

I think the phrase "put him in a home" carries a lot of baggage with thoughts of people being locked away in barely adequate accommodation for the convenience of others. I suspect the phrase was a convenient way for radio and TV scriptwriters to create conflict in a plot. I always think it should be followed by the Eastenders closing drums.

You would be happy if he was "going on holiday" so is there a description that is better for you? Turn it around so that you are not "putting" him anywhere, instead he is "moving to a care home" or "going to a new home where they've got more time to look after him" (and that's no reflection on you).

A move will let you become less carer / patient and return to being daughter / father.

[Note: I'm frantically trying avoid saying "going to a better place" ]

 

[Skirton]

Thank you all for your support, and BeardyD you are so right, making the phrase different carries a lot less guilt, and if it gives me time to be a daughter instead of a care giver, it will enable us to enjoy a very different and more enjoyable relationship. I never moved out of my parents home, and because my Mum had passed away, when I moved it was an automatic thing to bring Dad with me, as I didn't want to leave him alone, and when he became tearful in respite and asked if he could come home, it broke my heart. I literally cried all the way home, my Dad has never been someone to cry, he was a very old school man, never showing his emotions, so it really upset me.

Let's hope we can make this work for all our sakes, and again thank you for the support.