Carer for Mum, Alzheimer's (early stage) diagnosis.

[Fluff bucket]

Hope your dog is OK @fluffbucket, you really have enough to worry about without your dog being poorly too.
I think your mum is at the stage where she thinks she is doing things, but isn't so chickens don't get put in freezer etc. She is probably 're-organising' things too, hence missing shopping list. Although she has a purpose when she goes out, she obviously gets distracted and doesn't always realise a trip out isn't appropriate, hence going the wrong way to the supermarket, and going to your place when your brother thinks she is making your dad's lunch.
It seems to be that your brother is damned if he does help as that gets your mum upset, but also damned if he doesn't because then your dad suffers.
I'd keep on nagging social services etc, as things really can't go on like this for much longer.

@Sarasa

Dog isn't eating and on IV.... : ( Still in vet hospital...

Poor brother, I think he is drinking more, trying not to help, but had to step in to feed poor Dad Monday...

SS I realise must be in dire straits - yet my main worry is Dad. Yet again he has no peace, stress of worrying if Mum can or can't cope, worry if she is feeding him enough given brother's dire warning he can't regain lost weight, worry that his highly critical tone with me is also directed at Mum.

 

[Fluff bucket]

Hope your dog is OK @fluffbucket, you really have enough to worry about without your dog being poorly too.
I think your mum is at the stage where she thinks she is doing things, but isn't so chickens don't get put in freezer etc. She is probably 're-organising' things too, hence missing shopping list. Although she has a purpose when she goes out, she obviously gets distracted and doesn't always realise a trip out isn't appropriate, hence going the wrong way to the supermarket, and going to your place when your brother thinks she is making your dad's lunch.
It seems to be that your brother is damned if he does help as that gets your mum upset, but also damned if he doesn't because then your dad suffers.
I'd keep on nagging social services etc, as things really can't go on like this for much longer.

@Sarasa

Week from hell... at least I had counselling, poor counsellor looked both shocked and exhausted by the time I explained what was happening.

Poorly dog on IV in hospital. Then wouldn't eat. Then invited by vet to see if she would eat if I fed her at hospital. Brother ranting at me on phone in one hand (despite telling him where I was and what I was doing), trying to feed dog with other, dog howling and crying and panting and eventually brother got message that I was 'busy'... ! Argh....

Un-needed drama. Brother threatens to leave, Dad upset, both crying. Mother miserable. Dad writes brother a card but because Mum takes it to him, he throws it on floor in contempt and doesn't read it thinking its from her.

Dad getting worse, brother on phone saying he is scared Dad is giving up on life/can't eat any more, frantic calls to nurse etc. Mum meanwhile still asking when brother is leaving for respite from him...

Feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out. In between managing poorly dog that still isn't well (doggy accidents to clean, up at sparrow's fart to try and stop this), phone calls aka complaints from M and B, visits, organising equipment for Dad, nurse attending & Dad getting worse, phoning GP's, checking and collecting meds, and now needing more stuff for Dad, so needing to de-clutter yet more hoard (i.e. unfortunately change things again at parents) feel like I am beyond drained... to the point of numb now...

I am asking whoever is out there to please slow things down, and can I have one blinking thing at a time!

 

[jennifer1967]

breathe @Fluff bucket, sit and have a cup of tea and if they phone then say you are busy. you are going to be on the floor if you carry on. is there anyway you could get a EoL nurse just to take some pressure of you and your brother

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Fluff bucket you are well beyond the stage where your parent's needs out weigh their wants. I think they'd both be better off in a care situation. It might be a good idea to start looking for a care home that could meet both their needs and ensure that they are together, or at least not too far from each other.
The way things are going you and your brother are going to collapse and then whatever care is put in place for them could be less ideal than what you can find now with a bit of a search and a plan.

 

[Fluff bucket]

breathe @Fluff bucket, sit and have a cup of tea and if they phone then say you are busy. you are going to be on the floor if you carry on. is there anyway you could get a EoL nurse just to take some pressure of you and your brother

I was wondering about Macmillan, as they have such a good reputation, but haven't got that far yet...

 

[Fluff bucket]

Hi @Fluff bucket you are well beyond the stage where your parent's needs out weigh their wants. I think they'd both be better off in a care situation. It might be a good idea to start looking for a care home that could meet both their needs and ensure that they are together, or at least not too far from each other.
The way things are going you and your brother are going to collapse and then whatever care is put in place for them could be less ideal than what you can find now with a bit of a search and a plan.

@Sarasa

I think you have a very good point, but, getting them to agree to this is another matter. LPOA - nothing come back yet from this. Any recommendations for the 'Shire welcome...

 

[jennifer1967]

I was wondering about Macmillan, as they have such a good reputation, but haven't got that far yet...

marie curie as well

 

[Starting on a journey]

The care home my mother in law is in has double rooms and there is a couple living in the room opposite her.

 

[Fluff bucket]

marie curie as well

@jennifer 1967

Thank you...

 

[Fluff bucket]

The care home my mother in law is in has double rooms and there is a couple living in the room opposite her.

@Starting on a journey

Thank you again... it seems they are still adamant that they are 'coping' when I was with them today, but there is someone coming out to see Mum soon. Whether this will help to change things, we will have to see. LPOA now takes 20 weeks to process registration (rather than 8 up to 12). So almost double the time it used to because of backlogs with pandemic...

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @fluffbucket, I'd plug away with the idea of a bit of a break for them both. It's obvious neither they or you and your brother are coping at present. It's a pain about the POA taking so long, but even when you have it that isn't going to make your parents any keener on a move to care even for a short break, though it might make it easier for you to organise it. When I moved mum into care I just did it, without consulting her at all. Looking back that wasn't an ideal way to do it, and could have backfired if it was decided mum had capacity, but it was what she needed , so I went ahead and did it.
I'd start researching possible places. Your parents have very different needs so you'd need somewhere that could look after them both, which will limit your choice a bit.

 

[Fluff bucket]

Hi @fluffbucket, I'd plug away with the idea of a bit of a break for them both. It's obvious neither they or you and your brother are coping at present. It's a pain about the POA taking so long, but even when you have it that isn't going to make your parents any keener on a move to care even for a short break, though it might make it easier for you to organise it. When I moved mum into care I just did it, without consulting her at all. Looking back that wasn't an ideal way to do it, and could have backfired if it was decided mum had capacity, but it was what she needed , so I went ahead and did it.
I'd start researching possible places. Your parents have very different needs so you'd need somewhere that could look after them both, which will limit your choice a bit.

Thanks Sarasa

Dad has had major problems today so ambulance on way, hospice told us to get him assessed urgently, and poor Mum is feeling lost...

 

[lemonbalm]

I'm sorry to see your update @Fluff bucket . I well remember that feeling of lurching from one crisis to the next when Dad was very ill and mum had early dementia. Dad was fast-tracked into a nursing home by a Macmillan nurse after a while, which was not ideal but at least I knew one parent was safe and I had time to look after the other.

I hope things are going as well as they can be.

 

[Starting on a journey]

Sorry to hear this, especially with no visitors it’s difficult

 

[Sarasa]

Sorry to hear about your news @fluffbucket, thinking of you and your family {{{{@fluffbucket}}}}}

 

[Fluff bucket]

I'm sorry to see your update @Fluff bucket . I well remember that feeling of lurching from one crisis to the next when Dad was very ill and mum had early dementia. Dad was fast-tracked into a nursing home by a Macmillan nurse after a while, which was not ideal but at least I knew one parent was safe and I had time to look after the other.

I hope things are going as well as they can be.

@lemonbalm

Dad still in hospital (luckily I was allowed in A&E as had my carer's passport), we were in A&E 6 hours, 2 of which were in the ambulance, then at 10.30 he was finally transferred to Acute Medical Unit, but not allowed in with him. Had to find a bus home as I had travelled in ambulance, then ranted at by brother for 1.5 hours for not going to parents (at 11pm by the time I was home) on the phone as I was exhausted and worried about poorly dog.

He was grossly offended I had texted where Dad was admitted with details. I simply thought brother & mum may have fallen asleep by that time. I had texted at each stage what was happening, e.g. 5pm arrived, 8pm actually in A&E, 9.30pm assessed, etc, but as I had left my car at parents he demanded to know why I hadn't gone there (was supposed to get taxi, but, none as BH, lucky to get bus!) sigh....

Then didn't sleep as so wound up and stressed... whilst poorly dog snored, had to clean up her accidents when I got back...

 

[Fluff bucket]

Sorry to hear this, especially with no visitors it’s difficult

@Starting on a journey

Yes, each unit/ward said no visitors (14 day quarantine)...

 

[Fluff bucket]

Sorry to hear about your news @fluffbucket, thinking of you and your family {{{{@fluffbucket}}}}}

@Sarasa

Life can be a bucket of crapola sometimes... thank you for the virtual hug... x

 

[Starting on a journey]

You kept them informed and looked after yourself a little, what more could you do? I guess your mum found it very difficult

 

[Fluff bucket]

You kept them informed and looked after yourself a little, what more could you do? I guess your mum found it very difficult

@Starting on a journey

I find it hard not to feel guilty, as, I could have given Mum a bit of comfort if I had gone to theirs on the way back (bus doesn't go all way to parents, 15min on bus followed by 20 min walk), but just tired out... didn't even feel I could pick up the car and drive it home safely, so staggering on and off bus I did get home... 6 hours at A&E was preceded by 4 hour wait for ambulance with all of us too stressed to eat.