Hi all. My husband has vascular dementia and is confined to a wheelchair with various problems. He has always told anyone who will listen what a fantastic carer I am and he's so lucky. He was diagnosed six years ago and progress has been slow. I have never had any problems with him being abusive but two nights ago he called me a f'ing Judas, that I didn't want to care for him obviously and get someone in to take over! We have had a couple of weeks of bad nights but this came out of nowhere. I know it's the dementia but I found it incredibly hard and it upset me greatly. He goes to day centre three days a week and the manager has talked to him and it has passed. His care is full on. We have carers twice a day but it's exhausting. I've given my life to caring for him,which I don't mind but being called names and he being so nasty to me was awful. I have made arrangements for him to go to respite two nights a month now to get a break as the caring role is never ending. Please can you advise. How do other people cope with the hurt of someone who loves you and you love, calling you names and being nasty. He's fine now but it shocked me. I know we can walk away but the hurt goes with you and the tears fall.
I do understand the heartache that this situation has caused. My husband is just over four years into his diagnosis, and like yours, has always said how grateful he is for all that I do to make life as good as possible for him/us. We are very close and do all that we can for each other.
However, back in March, my husband's dementia took a sudden dive. I was no longer the wife who loved and supported him. I was a witch (making things like chairs float, appear and disappear); within days he believed I was conspiring to murder him with the help of our son, I had killed our daughter, stolen his money, seized his home, and was keeping him prisoner. I was the most despicable, evil person on the planet. He levelled insults at me and our son right left and centre. Our son (who he loves dearly) was suddenly a 'liar' and 'snide, bullying coward'.
This was not the rantings of a UTI but a progression of the disease. In the end, he became so fearful for his life and so full of loathing for us that he turned violent and attacked our son.
This led to the next stage of the nightmare. He was admitted to a secure unit in an NHS hospital where he was deprived of his liberty for two months while his medication was tweaked to a level where he could return home. I visited every single day because I love him so much and wanted to be there for any moments of clarity where he might accept me again.
Those moments did come but there were so many days when he loathed me. He would be smiling at someone one minute then see me and the smile would instantly vanish and be replaced with a long cold stare of contempt and disgust.
It was very hard seeing this reaction to me and listening to him tell the medical staff that I was evil and disgusting.
Some days I would visit and he would be holding the hand of another patient with dementia and exchanging kisses (almost childlike, like when two toddlers kiss each other innocently).
Surprisingly, this didn't bother me. I didn't see my husband kissing another woman, I saw two desolate souls momentarily gaining some kind of peace and reassurance within this awful disease.
I think it was then that I understood the phrase 'unconditional love'. It is easier to love someone when they show you love and respect but harder to do so when they show you nothing but disgust and loathing.
We got through it all and my husband has been back home with us since early May. I have him back as he was - definitely more confused but back to my loving husband who trusts me and our son and knows we love him dearly.
He has no clue how bad things got, what he said or what he did. It would break him to know that he had caused physical and mental harm to those he loves.
For my part I love him as much as I ever did and actually feel that maybe my love for him is even stronger as a result of what it was put through.
It is quite possible these feelings of hatred and paranoia will return further down the line, once the new medication ceases to be effective. Having been put through the mill once though I know it is worth putting up with insults and sticking through it all because there is light again the other side.