care homes

[Tracie and Poppy]

my mum has been diagonised with dementia december 2021. my dad would not consider mum had dementia. he finally got to a breaking point just before Christmas 2021. under the covid lockdown, we placed my mum in a care home. mum stayed here for almost 4 months, but again my dad was struggling, realising his wife married to over 60 years needed some help, that he felt he was unable to help her. dad sat with mum every day the care home allowed him to, some days not moving outside of mums room, until it was bed time & had to leave mum there until next day. by easter 2022 dad introduced mum gradually to coming back to her own home, & then decided to have mum back home permanately, but with some sort of extra help with part time carers. Dad then had another (2nd one) heart attack trying to get some respite away from mum inside, by doing some heavy gardening work! My sister & myself then arranged the carers move in with both mum & dad. Dad needs respite away from mum, (mum follows him to the bathroom when he goes to wash, shave etc, & even if he gets up from the sofa beside her, she gets really anxious & starts calling & following him. It has been very difficult getting mum to accept the carers helping with her personal hygene, it always has to be dad, which means dad gets no respite at all, plus he is paying for the private care himself. the problem we have is dad is adamant dad will not have mum in a care home again, even when he is not around eg hospital or deceased. How do we convince for both their needs (& our sanity), it will be better for both, not worse.
Any ideas or suggestions appreciated.

 

[LLHFG]

Just be there for your dad. He has capacity to make his own good and perhaps ill-advised decisions. That autonomy might be what keeps him going, and any promises he has made, to his wife or himself have value. He could change his mind and will need you, whatever, events have a way of taking choices away, my feeling is whilst he has some, as long as your Mum has care, let him. Sorry if this is not helpful, just have read too many people here reassuring children that their preference for care homes is the only way to go. Life is messier than this.

Not to say the conversation cannot happen, explore options and have a plan B & C when he is open to it, but allow him to be Dad while he can. Thats my feeling, may be completely unhelpful, sorry.

 

[canary]

Hello @Tracie and Poppy and welcome to Talking Point

Im afraid that it is your dads choice. He obviously cannot bear to be parted from your mum, even though it is affecting his health and your mum is anxious. I get the feeling that although you might have "that" conversation with him, he wont listen. There is not a lot you can do.

One thing I will say though - do not promise that your mum will not go into a home after he has died.

 

[Susannah10]

my mum has been diagonised with dementia december 2021. my dad would not consider mum had dementia. he finally got to a breaking point just before Christmas 2021. under the covid lockdown, we placed my mum in a care home. mum stayed here for almost 4 months, but again my dad was struggling, realising his wife married to over 60 years needed some help, that he felt he was unable to help her. dad sat with mum every day the care home allowed him to, some days not moving outside of mums room, until it was bed time & had to leave mum there until next day. by easter 2022 dad introduced mum gradually to coming back to her own home, & then decided to have mum back home permanately, but with some sort of extra help with part time carers. Dad then had another (2nd one) heart attack trying to get some respite away from mum inside, by doing some heavy gardening work! My sister & myself then arranged the carers move in with both mum & dad. Dad needs respite away from mum, (mum follows him to the bathroom when he goes to wash, shave etc, & even if he gets up from the sofa beside her, she gets really anxious & starts calling & following him. It has been very difficult getting mum to accept the carers helping with her personal hygene, it always has to be dad, which means dad gets no respite at all, plus he is paying for the private care himself. the problem we have is dad is adamant dad will not have mum in a care home again, even when he is not around eg hospital or deceased. How do we convince for both their needs (& our sanity), it will be better for both, not worse.
Any ideas or suggestions appreciated.

Hi I am sorry to hear about your Dad's situation with your Mum and I can empathise. My husband is 7 years into Alzheimers starting at the age of 61. I was 57. In recent months the his behavior has become violent. He wants to go to work every day even at 3am. 4 weeks ago I had to call the Police as he was trying to smash the house up trying to get out. He is now in a respite centre where he has been violent. As a result one nursing home has turned him down The drugs they have put him on are causing big problems with his stomach. I am visiting him every day and it is killing me to see him there nor properly groomed. Most of the time he refuses personal care and medication. Social services are trying to find him a nursing home but it is taking too long. I would love to bring him home but the Doctors say he needs 24 care and supervision. I can empathise with your Dad as I am struggling without him and cannot bear to be apart from him. No one not even adult children can appreciate the strong bond between you and the frustration of having to face letting them go. I feel the misery of dementia and the enforced broken bond it creates. You feel a kind of madness coping with the emotional strain. I think you have to support your Dad come what may.