Care Home

[Margaret938]

I have just made the hardest decision in my life, I have put my darling husband into a care home. It is a lovely small home, the staff are very kind and it is clean. I just cant stop feeling, guilty, sad, lonely and no energy or enthusiasm to do anything. I live for my visits to him all the rest is just going through the motions of bathing, and bed.
He is my soul mate, my best and only friend and I can't bear this house without him in it. I keep reminding myself that he is not dead and only a walk away, but it doesn't fill the emptiness and hopelesness.

 

[Linda52]

Hello Margaret, I think its a very brave thing you have done and I wish I could give some comfort but at least the home is nearby for you to visit often. It sounds like you have the same sort of marriage my parents have. Unfortunately dad now has dementia and mum alternates between feeling guilty and feeling frazzled but is heartbroken that her soul mate has gone.

I've been reading the forum for some time but decided to register to reply to your post. I'm sure lots of people will give more support than I can but just wanted to say hello.

Linda

 

[Uratopper]

Margaret, we've spoken on Bletherbox and I wondered how you were getting on. I'm so sorry for your feelings of loss and loneliness.
Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and hopefully someone, who has gone through a similar experience,will be able to offer you a degree of comfort.
Take care

 

[Il Gufo]

Big Hugs

Oh Margaret, I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. It must feel awful for you, but I imagine you have had a very tough time making the decision, and have made it for all the right reasons. At least when you visit him now you can sit with him and enjoy being with him, without being worn out from looking after him. I have the utmost admiration for you, and hope that your days become easier. Sending you hugs xx

 

[Margaret938]

Thanks for replies

Hello again, I am afraid I am still not feeling much better since putting my darling husband into the care home, which I must stress is very nice and very clean. I find myself crying most of the time when I am sitting in our lovely home looking at all the things around me that George loved so much. I expect to see him coming through a door and imagine I can share things with him, about what I am doing or what is on TV or just general chit chat and a good laugh, we always found something to laugh about/ I just can't come to terms with the fact that he will never be here again and things will just get worse, I visit him everyday and it lovely to be with him his face lights up when I arrive, but he gets a bit agitated when I am leaving, which is hard to accept. I find myself living for the visit and everything before and after means nothing to me. I just can't get over the feeling that I have let him down so badly, I would do anything to bring him back home with me. Has anyone on TB brought their loved one home again after putting them in a care home?

 

[1954]

Margaret

I have not had your experience but am thinking of you and know your beloved George will love your visits. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon with the 'new' arrangement

Thinking of you and George

Kairen

 

[KentJude]

Hello Margaret I really do know exactly how you feel and I did in fact take my mother back home after a while. It was for a slightly different reason though in that mum's care didn't give me any peace of mind, in fact it caused more stress than when she was at home.

It's not easy obviously but you know that. Do you get home care funded in Scotland? If you are self funding it's better to get private home help, in other words, not from an agency as it would be much cheaper. The downside is you must check their credentials yourself and get references and a CRB check on them. It is much more flexible this way though. You could put an advert in local shops or on job websites. Do you have relatives who can help with this? I have excellent help via this method.

 

[petromany]

I have just made the hardest decision in my life, I have put my darling husband into a care home. It is a lovely small home, the staff are very kind and it is clean. I just cant stop feeling, guilty, sad, lonely and no energy or enthusiasm to do anything. I live for my visits to him all the rest is just going through the motions of bathing, and bed.
He is my soul mate, my best and only friend and I can't bear this house without him in it. I keep reminding myself that he is not dead and only a walk away, but it doesn't fill the emptiness and hopelesness.

Dear Margaret, thinking of you at the moment and feeling emotional with you, just about thinking of my hubby going into care, and when I look at some of the care homes, I feel very despondent and guilty, as it is not home, nothing like. Glad you found a nice one, but nothing will take away the sadness you feel, hoping it will, in time, get easier. I know you have done the right thing, just trying to convince myself that it is in my other halfs best interest, but it is very hard isnt it.... take care of yourself now.

 

[Margaret938]

Hello again, I took my husband George to do a bit of shopping yesterday and walk
along the familiar High Street of our small town, we then went to visit our friend who was so pleased to see George. in all we were out of the ch for at least two hours. It was so lovely to be walking outside with him and he enjoyed it. He is sometimes not very settled at night and not sleeping as well as he did at home which worries me, and he gets a bit aggressive with the staff when he wakes up which worries me more. I tell myself that they are able to handle these things, but it doesn't help. I feel that is really my job to do this and that I have given up too easily. I know exactly what Petramony is going through just now and believe me the tears are never very far away. I have stopped answering the phone now, because I can't bear to talk about George on the phone. I would rather hide myself away. I am going to see him in the evening tonight and can't wait to see him.

 

[Margaret938]

Dear Margaret, thinking of you at the moment and feeling emotional with you, just about thinking of my hubby going into care, and when I look at some of the care homes, I feel very despondent and guilty, as it is not home, nothing like. Glad you found a nice one, but nothing will take away the sadness you feel, hoping it will, in time, get easier. I know you have done the right thing, just trying to convince myself that it is in my other halfs best interest, but it is very hard isnt it.... take care of yourself now.

Hello Petromany, thanks for your reply, I can cry with you and your decision, it is so very hard to make, and you will always wonder if you have done the right thing. I feel like a failure every day I am without him and and I cry behind closed doors all the time. Like you we worked very hard for our two sons, and we have been married for 49 years, George is 72. We had 10+ glorious years of retirement and shared every minute of it together, we never needed anyone else, we got up together went to bed together and ate together which will probably sound very strange to many. This is probably what makes it hard to be apart. I am thinking of you, please let me know what your decide to do.
Take care,
Margaret

 

[gringo]

Margaret,
I have been reading this thread from the beginning and agonising as to whether to post.
My wife and I have been together since 1949, our diamond wedding is this year. I put her into a CH. just over a year ago. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret it and tears are never far away. Many times I have tried to persuade myself that I could bring her home and make a go of it. Everybody I talk to, does their best to persuade me not to attempt it, pointing out that she is in a secure environment with all her needs being attended to. They point out she is safe and well looked after and that I would not be able to provide this level of care. It is bitter pill to swallow, but I have to accept the force of the argument. It also has to be considered that AD. is a cruel and progressive decease. What you can provide now may not be sufficient as time goes on.
What is so hard is not being able to cope with life on one’s own. I am constantly encouraged to take up this interest or that, but for the life of me I live only for my visits to the CH. You will see now why I have hesitated to post. I am not a good example for you and have nothing positive to offer. All I can say is we have both been luckier than most in having been blessed by having so many happy years with our partners.
There is one of our members who has gone his own way and bought his wife home and successfully provided her care. However, he is so exceptional that few could match his achievement. I refer to padraig. You will find his story on many threads.

 

[Margaret938]

Margaret,
I have been reading this thread from the beginning and agonising as to whether to post.
My wife and I have been together since 1949, our diamond wedding is this year. I put her into a CH. just over a year ago. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret it and tears are never far away. Many times I have tried to persuade myself that I could bring her home and make a go of it. Everybody I talk to, does their best to persuade me not to attempt it, pointing out that she is in a secure environment with all her needs being attended to. They point out she is safe and well looked after and that I would not be able to provide this level of care. It is bitter pill to swallow, but I have to accept the force of the argument. It also has to be considered that AD. is a cruel and progressive decease. What you can provide now may not be sufficient as time goes on.
What is so hard is not being able to cope with life on one’s own. I am constantly encouraged to take up this interest or that, but for the life of me I live only for my visits to the CH. You will see now why I have hesitated to post. I am not a good example for you and have nothing positive to offer. All I can say is we have both been luckier than most in having been blessed by having so many happy years with our partners.
There is one of our members who has gone his own way and bought his wife home and successfully provided her care. However, he is so exceptional that few could match his achievement. I refer to padraig. You will find his story on many threads.

Thank you so much for your reply, Firstly congratulation on so many happy years together. I can see myself in you, and can feel your pain. This cruel illness has not only robbed our loved ones of everything but has robbed us of any peace of mind or enthusiasm to do anything. I get the same thing from well wishers of how to cope with life and how it would be wrong to try to carry on caring alone for my husband, but I am afraid that sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other. I have to bite my tongue sometimes not to say "let me make my own decisions please" I will look up padraig, thank you, hope to hear from you again.
Margaret

 

[Margaret938]

Message to Padraig

I have been told by Gringo that you decided to bring your wife back home from the care home to care again for her yourself. Could you give me some advice on this, my husband is still in Respite awaiting funding for Permanent care, this is the third week of a six week review. Everyday I think about him coming home, and I am not willing to give up until he does not know me or any of the family around him. Please let me know how you managed to do it

 

[massolina]

God bless you Margaret

I have been told by Gringo that you decided to bring your wife back home from the care home to care again for her yourself. Could you give me some advice on this, my husband is still in Respite awaiting funding for Permanent care, this is the third week of a six week review. Everyday I think about him coming home, and I am not willing to give up until he does not know me or any of the family around him. Please let me know how you managed to do it

All I can say is that I am so moved to read of your devotion to your husband. It made me cry with a mixture of emotions, so so very sorry that you are having to go through this, but your love for him is a very beautiful and selfless thing. You have my upmost respect, wanting to care love and support him until a time when he is no longer aware.

 

[Margaret938]

All I can say is that I am so moved to read of your devotion to your husband. It made me cry with a mixture of emotions, so so very sorry that you are having to go through this, but your love for him is a very beautiful and selfless thing. You have my upmost respect, wanting to care love and support him until a time when he is no longer aware.

Thank you so much for your words of comfort and kind wishes. You seem to understand exactly how I am feeling, about giving up the right to care solely for my husband. I know that he is getting very well looked after, it is a beautiful care home he is in, it was a very large house donated for the sole purpose of care, and it is a non profit making establishment with only 25 residents. I just feel so very lost, without him, he was and still is my life, and I can see no real future for myself without him, oh, I go through the motions and force myself to put on a smile when someone asks how I am (we live in a small town and everyone knows everybody's business !!) but sadly the only thing I am interested in is going to see him, and the smile on his face when he sees me. It is not much of a life but unfortunately it is the only life we have left and I have to make an effort to make the best of it.

 

[Margaret938]

Just thought I would share with you my pleasure tonight. I visited my husband George at 6pm just after tea, it was a lovely sunny evening so we had a nice stroll. We sat in his room for a while, I have taken some of the pictures and 'things' up which he enjoyed at home. he has a lovely room, and so very clean. We then went down to have his supper, had a relaxing seat in the lounge, holding hands and listening to scottish music, he was very relaxed, I then kissed him goodnight, he was fine when I left, he just stayed on his comfortable seat. It takes my a half hour to walk smartly home, but I felt so good walking because I had a lovely evening with him. I thank God for these special moments we spend together.
Margaret

 

[rjm]

Margaret, it is so good to hear of the wonderful visit you were able to have with George tonight. I can only imagine how difficult this separation must be for you. And yet, if having him go to this home was the best decision at the time it surely will prove to be the right decision as time goes on.

Best wishes to you both,

 

[dognecks]

hi margaret my heart goes out to you, ive seen this same situation alot of times and we all nearly go through the same emotions when leaving a loved one in a care home, but it sounds like its a good home and thats positive as there are losts that are not, youve done the right thing and are seeing your husband as much as possible ... you havent let him down , this is a terrible disease and hard to deal with as it goes through the stages .... lots of hugs to you from paul a dementia carer

 

[Margaret938]

Margaret, it is so good to hear of the wonderful visit you were able to have with George tonight. I can only imagine how difficult this separation must be for you. And yet, if having him go to this home was the best decision at the time it surely will prove to be the right decision as time goes on.

Best wishes to you both,

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I have read your story with great interest, and admire you so much for keeping your darling wife at home, I can feel your love for her in your story. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for giving in, and putting George into care, nice and all as the Care Home is and the attention shown to the small amount of patients, it is not home and I know that I could and would do a lot more for George, I knew him so well after 49 years of marriage, I knew what he liked and how proud he was of his appearance. It is just not the same, but then nothing ever will be. This beast within, has stolen everything, and I am so angry at it
for taking my beautiful husband from me. How sad that Sharon developed dementia so early on in life, just when you had it all planned what you might do in retirement. George is 72 and I will be 70 this year, and even I feel this is young. We did enjoy 10 years of perfect retirement when each others company was all we needed. I can identify myself with the loneliness of Sisyphus because like you my tasks were endless repetition. But the loneliness I feel now is a hundred times worse, because without George by my side, life has no meaning, the endless tasks are still repetitive, but with no one to share them with. I am off to see him tonight, I might take him out for a walk, it is a beautiful night but still pretty cold for the time of year. Our son is taking me up, he moved from London after 28 years there back to his home town with his family, I am afraid I am not giving them all the attention I should, but I can never take my mind off George, the love of my life.
Take care, and much love
Margaret

 

[marionq]

On the outside looking in

Thank you so much for your words of comfort and kind wishes. You seem to understand exactly how I am feeling, about giving up the right to care solely for my husband. I know that he is getting very well looked after, it is a beautiful care home he is in, it was a very large house donated for the sole purpose of care, and it is a non profit making establishment with only 25 residents. I just feel so very lost, without him, he was and still is my life, and I can see no real future for myself without him, oh, I go through the motions and force myself to put on a smile when someone asks how I am (we live in a small town and everyone knows everybody's business !!) but sadly the only thing I am interested in is going to see him, and the smile on his face when he sees me. It is not much of a life but unfortunately it is the only life we have left and I have to make an effort to make the best of it.

Well, I am going to suggest another way of looking at this Margaret as there are plenty of people sharing your pain and believe me I do too. First, do you have children? What torture for your family and friends to see George going downhill with Alzheimers and to also see you worrying yourself to death with guilt.

If you are living life as it should be with attention to your own health and well being with new interests then you will survive to cope much better with your husband's plight. Misery is catching. Give yourself a break by contacting friends again and letting them invite you out. Don't feel you constantly have to talk about your husband any more than you should feel that you should not mention him at all. This is a stage in all of our lives which we have to face up to - we get old, we get ill, we die. That is how it is and no amount of regret will alter it. This is a spectacularly beautiful world full of wonderful things and people. We need to be part of it and take joy in it. You have been so lucky in a good marriage. Celebrate that by being happy.

My sister loved baking and baked for the nursing home her husband was in three times a week. That gave her pleasure - it would not be my thing but I admired her greatly for finding a positive role in a sad situation. There is a role for you Margaret you just need to find it.

God bless.