Care home or live in carer dilemma

[OutdoorGal]

Hello there, my father is not settling in a care home. He has vascular dementia and we managed at home with him for as long as we could. He went in a dementia residential home for respite and unfortunately fell and broke his hip. After a 5 week stay in hospital and a hip replacement he went into a nursing home. He has been there for 9 weeks and has not settled. He constantly tries to get out and wants to leave and go home. He is now presenting with challenging behaviour and the home say he is unsuitably placed. I just don't think he will settle in any home.

He is now awaiting an assessment to go to an EMI home which is like a hotel. It is a dementia village and looks great and is at the moment ticking all boxes but I'm just nervous about the move.

My question is do I risk another move to the above home or do I try live in carers. My Dad's home isn't really fit for live in carers and would need modernising/decorating and adapting. Has anyone any experience of live in carers?

I'm just wondering if this would be better for my Dad. I must add that when my Dad was at home he was always asking to go home to his child hood home. This was a big concern as he would wander out.

Thank you.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hello there, my father is not settling in a care home. He has vascular dementia and we managed at home with him for as long as we could. He went in a dementia residential home for respite and unfortunately fell and broke his hip. After a 5 week stay in hospital and a hip replacement he went into a nursing home. He has been there for 9 weeks and has not settled. He constantly tries to get out and wants to leave and go home. He is now presenting with challenging behaviour and the home say he is unsuitably placed. I just don't think he will settle in any home.

He is now awaiting an assessment to go to an EMI home which is like a hotel. It is a dementia village and looks great and is at the moment ticking all boxes but I'm just nervous about the move.

My question is do I risk another move to the above home or do I try live in carers. My Dad's home isn't really fit for live in carers and would need modernising/decorating and adapting. Has anyone any experience of live in carers?

I'm just wondering if this would be better for my Dad. I must add that when my Dad was at home he was always asking to go home to his child hood homet. This was a big concern as he would wander out.

Thank you.

I'm sure others will be along soon with better advice, but honestly, I don't think your father would be happy wherever he is . I've no experience of live in carers, but with such challenging behaviour the wandering, my gut feeling is live in care isn't going to work. My mother-in-law was in a care home and taking months to settle is normal

 

[Sirena]

I agree that wherever your father is, he won't be happy and will want to be somewhere else. The 'somewhere else' is his life before dementia, and sadly that isn't possible.

I would move him to the EMI. You say the house isn't suitable for live in carers, so there is little point in paying for expensive adaptations when he probably won't recognise it as 'home' anyway. In addition, it's likely he will be better cared for by a team of people than by one or two carers at home. If he has challenging behaviour, it may be difficult to find carers willing to take that on in a home setting. In a CH, carers have built in support from others in the team.

I think what you are asking is how to make him happy. But I'm afraid the answer is that you may well not be able to.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I tried live in care in a desperate attempt to keep dad in his own home, he was an agitated night time pacer and would have wandered if left alone. The need to look for a childhood home is very common but I felt for dad it was more a case that his mind was looking for a place of comfort and security and 'home' may not have even been a material place. The live in carers I tried were not experienced enough in dementia although the agency assured me they were. I am sure there are some great live in carers out there but I didn't get them...in fact the second gave me concern and I removed her. At that point dad was too vulnerable to live at home anf a dementia NH place was the only option. Live in care still requires cover..2 hours per day by me in dad's case plus a second night carer was required because dad disturbed the live in carer when he was up pacing..do the weekly cost rose to £1600 more than his NH fees. Also consider that very challenging behaviour will not be tolerated if it poses risk to the carer, as well as providing a bedroom and paying fees all household bills and carer's food still has to be paid for so quite substantial weekly cost.
Frankly from what you describe an EMI placement is the next best option and he will be surrounded by a 24/7 team with expertise. With hindsight...although I was worried and guilty about moving dad into his NH having people around him was better for him. Presumably the dementia village has parts that provide 24 hr supervision and are secure so he cannot go wandering.

 

[OutdoorGal]

I'm sure others will be along soon with better advice, but honestly, I don't think your father would be happy wherever he is . I've no experience of live in carers, but with such challenging behaviour the wandering, my gut feeling is live in care isn't going to work. My mother-in-law was in a care home and taking months to settle is normal

Thank you for your response. Friends/family etc are telling me the same but I question myself constantly that I am doing the right thing. Your response reassures me. I hope things are okay with you.

 

[Banjomansmate]

Although I had been pushing for residential care for some time I felt guilty the day I signed the agreement for The Banjoman to go into care, however common sense quickly returned as I knew he was not safe living at home alone even with daily carers. Live in carers had been suggested but was not really viable and quite honestly wouldn’t have been fair either on a carer or Himself, who was already hallucinating and “seeing” people.
He has been in residential care for five months now and fell and broke his hip a few weeks ago. He was found quite quickly but had he still been at home he could have been lying overnight without anybody knowing, so despite his complaints about “being in prison” I know that he is in the right place for his wellbeing.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Thank you for your response. Friends/family etc are telling me the same but I question myself constantly that I am doing the right thing. Your response reassures me. I hope things are okay with you.

@OutdoorGal you're doing the right thing deep down you know you are, it's that guilt thing. My mother-in-law had always refused point-blank to go into a care home we kept her at home as much as we could. She was living on her own but eventually she became ill and there wasn't a choice in the end. Good luck you may find as other members have posted in the past that your dad may thrive in such a setting

 

[OutdoorGal]

@OutdoorGal you're doing the right thing deep down you know you are, it's that guilt thing. My mother-in-law had always refused point-blank to go into a care home we kept her at home as much as we could. She was living on her own but eventually she became ill and there wasn't a choice in the end. Good luck you may find as other members have posted in the past that your dad may thrive in such a setting

Thank you everyone for all your responses, I really appreciate them and it has helped put my mind a bit more at rest. Hopefully we will find out today if the new home will accept my Dad which is dementia specialised,