Care Home Decision problem

[Treacle's Daddy]

I am trying to make a very hard decision about whether to place my wife into a care home permanently now or just for respite. I was only intending to have a weeks respite but the chosen CH carried out the usual assessment and advised that because my wife became so agitated at the assessment they did not think respite would be in her best interest. They felt she would not settle in a week and so it might make matters worse at home afterwards. They will however accept her as a permanent resident, subject to a 4 week trial.
I have arranged to see another CH, but fear that they may reach the same decision or, if they accept her for a week, the first home may be right and I will be faced with more difficulty caring at home and face placing my wife in a CH anyway.
My wife is 54, rejects all attempts to engage her in day care, clubs or social activities and hates having anyone coming to our home, she even rejects family and friends. As her sole career I desperately need a break before I have health problems. She can quickly become anxious and even aggressive to me if I do not give her my whole attention when she wants it and I can no longer take her out in the car as she will often refuse to get back in when it is time to go home.
Has anyone had a problem with respite where the person they care for has been made worse by the break from them? In anyone's experience am I better serving my wife's needs by placing her in a safe and secure CH now rather than waiting what may only be a short time anyway?
Any advice or thoughts gratefully received.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

If I were you, I would be taking the advice of the first home and doing the 4 week trial. I would also not visit for the first week or two.

One thing I was told was that it was better for a PWD (person with dementia) to go into care early enough so that they could still form relationships in the home. My mother first went into a retirement home and then 2 years later a nursing home.

She was quite non-compliant, to put it mildly. But as I and my husband were both working full-time, we could not stay home with her. It was quite a roller-coaster ride, as my mother could be verbally and physically aggressive. But it was the realistic decision we had to make.

Please don't let yourself get so rundown that there is an emergency and who knows what would happen in that case.