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Can't tell mum my sister died.


Registered User
Jul 5, 2014
My sister died unexpectedly on Sunday. I can't work out whether I am bereft or relieved that I can't tell mum, she simply wouldn't understand. Relief that I don't have to see her grieve the loss of a daughter but bereft because it is a major part of our lives gone just like that. I lost my dad 9 years ago and my older sister was the only one who I could talk to about our childhood as mum cant communicate on that level.Now there is no one, just me.

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Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
Brixham Devon
I'm very sorry to read of your loss; what a terrible shock for you. If your Mum is at a stage where she wouldn't understand you are absolutely right in not telling her-even though you will have to bear your grief on your own.

I hope you will continue posting as there will always be someone here to offer support.



Registered User
Nov 21, 2015
How awful for you.So sorry for your loss. Can understand family connection completely as I have older sister. I agree that if she wouldn't really understand there is no reason to tell her. Hope you manage to find some support with your loss. Sending big hugs x

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Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
i am so sorry for your loss, made all the more heartbreaking because you have to go though it alone. But as others have said, there are always people here on TP x

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
I am so sorry, I know exactly what you mean. I agree you can't tell your mother, it would only hurt her and then she'd forget. Why cause pain, even if only for a short while?


Registered User
Jul 5, 2014
Thank you all for your supportive words. I'm in for a tough few weeks because there will have to a post-mortem as it was a sudden death and Christmas will get in the way so I don't expect the funeral will be held until January. She was my big sister and I loved her.

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Registered User
Nov 11, 2016
Oh goodness, sending you healing hugs. I hope that you find that you can share, unburden and grieve via talking pint, if nowhere else. X

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Registered User
Jul 23, 2016
So so sorry what a dreadful shock for you As the others have said I too wouldn't tell your Mother.
Sending you a huge (((hug))) and my sincere condolences xx


Registered User
Mar 2, 2013
I am so so sorry. Of course you loved your big sister and this must be a terrible shock for you, made worse by the fact that you have a Mum but because of the dementia she has also 'gone' in a way, can't share your greif or be a support to you. Have you friends you can talk to about all of this or other family members? You need emotional support as well as the virtual support you will find here. xxx


Registered User
Oct 31, 2016
So sorry for your loss, I can not begin to imagine the pain that you are going through.
I wouldn't tell your mum, she would be so upset, then forget and would be upset again multiple times if reminded.

Best wishes and keep posting


Registered User
Jul 5, 2014
Thank you for the virtual love. Honestly it does make a difference. We are in limbo at the moment as the coroner still hasn't decided whether a post-mortem is necessary as it was a sudden death but technically wasn't declared dead until arrival at hospital. My brother in law did cpr at home whilst my nephew called the ambulance and the paramedics (who got there in 4 mins) did resuscitate her but she went again just as they were reaching the hospital.
I am lucky that I work in a very supportive environment and they have given me as much time off as I need.
Think today will be the day they make a decision. I just want to be able to go and say goodbye to her now.

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Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
North East England
Oh Jessie, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my younger sister some 20 years ago and lost my best friend, my cinema companion, pub quiz guru, my children lost a darling aunt, and my Mum lost her baby girl.When Mum's dementia took hold, I used to get phone calls asking if Gill was with me, what time was she coming home, was she away at the Golf...and everytime I would have to swallow the pain, the kick in the guts and ask her what she thought had happened...cue distress! Eventually I used to just say that I didn't know...I hadn't heard from her.

My sister died after a long illness, although Mum had always believed that Gill would recover, you have lost your sister suddenly and I'm sure you must feel robbed.
My sympathy for you and your family.....Mauren.x