Can't tell mum my sister died.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Jesskle66, Dec 13, 2016.

  1. Jesskle66

    Jesskle66 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2014
    99
    My sister died unexpectedly on Sunday. I can't work out whether I am bereft or relieved that I can't tell mum, she simply wouldn't understand. Relief that I don't have to see her grieve the loss of a daughter but bereft because it is a major part of our lives gone just like that. I lost my dad 9 years ago and my older sister was the only one who I could talk to about our childhood as mum cant communicate on that level.Now there is no one, just me.

    Sent from my SM-G920F using Talking Point mobile app
     
  2. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,962
    Brixham Devon
    I'm very sorry to read of your loss; what a terrible shock for you. If your Mum is at a stage where she wouldn't understand you are absolutely right in not telling her-even though you will have to bear your grief on your own.

    I hope you will continue posting as there will always be someone here to offer support.

    XXX
     
  3. Azay28

    Azay28 Registered User

    Nov 21, 2015
    95
    How awful for you.So sorry for your loss. Can understand family connection completely as I have older sister. I agree that if she wouldn't really understand there is no reason to tell her. Hope you manage to find some support with your loss. Sending big hugs x

    Sent from my SM-A300FU using Talking Point mobile app
     
  4. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    2,108
    hertfordshire
    I am so sorry for your loss, sending you hugs xx

    Ange
     
  5. HillyBilly

    HillyBilly Registered User

    Dec 21, 2015
    1,947
    Ireland
    i am so sorry for your loss, made all the more heartbreaking because you have to go though it alone. But as others have said, there are always people here on TP x
     
  6. Dazmum

    Dazmum Registered User

    I'm so sorry for you, what a terrible shock xxxx
     
  7. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,525
    North East England
    I'm so very sorry, what a terrible shock for you. Please accept my condolences, and do keep posting if it helps you xx
     
  8. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,191
    Toronto, Canada
    I am so sorry, I know exactly what you mean. I agree you can't tell your mother, it would only hurt her and then she'd forget. Why cause pain, even if only for a short while?
     
  9. Jesskle66

    Jesskle66 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2014
    99
    Thank you all for your supportive words. I'm in for a tough few weeks because there will have to a post-mortem as it was a sudden death and Christmas will get in the way so I don't expect the funeral will be held until January. She was my big sister and I loved her.

    Sent from my SM-G920F using Talking Point mobile app
     
  10. smartieplum

    smartieplum Registered User

    Jul 29, 2014
    259
    Oh you poor soul. If your mum doesn't understand, don't tell her.

    Sent from my SM-G920F using Talking Point mobile app
     
  11. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Registered User

    Nov 18, 2016
    699
    Really, really sorry to read this and I feel for you. Xxx
     
  12. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    What a terrible shock for you! :( I am so sorry for your loss, it must be so much harder not being able to share it with your mother.
     
  13. Jomoessex

    Jomoessex Registered User

    Nov 11, 2016
    19
    Oh goodness, sending you healing hugs. I hope that you find that you can share, unburden and grieve via talking pint, if nowhere else. X


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  14. rosy18

    rosy18 Registered User

    Jul 23, 2016
    1,279
    Female
    Blackpool
    So so sorry what a dreadful shock for you As the others have said I too wouldn't tell your Mother.
    Sending you a huge (((hug))) and my sincere condolences xx
     
  15. Emac

    Emac Registered User

    Mar 2, 2013
    180
    I am so so sorry. Of course you loved your big sister and this must be a terrible shock for you, made worse by the fact that you have a Mum but because of the dementia she has also 'gone' in a way, can't share your greif or be a support to you. Have you friends you can talk to about all of this or other family members? You need emotional support as well as the virtual support you will find here. xxx
     
  16. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,562
    Merseyside
    I'm so sorry. What a dreadful shock for you. My thoughts are with you xx
     
  17. Margi29

    Margi29 Registered User

    Oct 31, 2016
    1,224
    Yorkshire
    So sorry for your loss, I can not begin to imagine the pain that you are going through.
    I wouldn't tell your mum, she would be so upset, then forget and would be upset again multiple times if reminded.

    Best wishes and keep posting
     
  18. Jesskle66

    Jesskle66 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2014
    99
    Thank you for the virtual love. Honestly it does make a difference. We are in limbo at the moment as the coroner still hasn't decided whether a post-mortem is necessary as it was a sudden death but technically wasn't declared dead until arrival at hospital. My brother in law did cpr at home whilst my nephew called the ambulance and the paramedics (who got there in 4 mins) did resuscitate her but she went again just as they were reaching the hospital.
    I am lucky that I work in a very supportive environment and they have given me as much time off as I need.
    Think today will be the day they make a decision. I just want to be able to go and say goodbye to her now.

    Sent from my SM-G920F using Talking Point mobile app
     
  19. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    7,942
    North East England
    Oh Jessie, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my younger sister some 20 years ago and lost my best friend, my cinema companion, pub quiz guru, my children lost a darling aunt, and my Mum lost her baby girl.When Mum's dementia took hold, I used to get phone calls asking if Gill was with me, what time was she coming home, was she away at the Golf...and everytime I would have to swallow the pain, the kick in the guts and ask her what she thought had happened...cue distress! Eventually I used to just say that I didn't know...I hadn't heard from her.

    My sister died after a long illness, although Mum had always believed that Gill would recover, you have lost your sister suddenly and I'm sure you must feel robbed.
    My sympathy for you and your family.....Mauren.x
     

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