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Can we risk it? Have you had a similar experience?

YoungestSon

Registered User
Jan 22, 2015
2
Our mother has mid to late stage Alzheimer’s and has been in a residential home for nearly a year as my father, who is older than her, could no-longer cope at home. She is still very ‘with it’ at times, mostly knowing us, and sometimes remembering short term events goings-on around her. She has always been the cleverest of us all, and part of that sharpness remains, albeit intermittently. In this time we have helped our father sell his home and buy a flat close to where she is. We are still helping him unpack and he has yet to move in. Mum knows about the flat in a very abstract way, but not our full progress. However, she has taken to saying she must pack, as she is leaving tomorrow, and refuses to let us leave any of her possessions with her in the residential home, as it implies permanence.

As a family, our shared concern is whether we should risk taking her to the flat so we can have family time outside of the care home, or whether this could cause her too much distress. Two dementia specialists and one of her carers have advised against it, concerned that being surrounded by her own things, coupled with the fact she would need to return to the home at the end of a visit, could cause her real distress, and that her contentment is actually held within this limbo state, between knowing and unknowing. While we recognise everyone is different, my family would be interested to hear from anyone that has been in a similar situation and how you have handled it. We love our mother dearly and cannot bear the idea of causing her more distress than she already suffers through the disease itself.
 
Last edited:

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,035
Hi Youngest son

I would let your father move in and settle first before thinking about attempting a visit with your Mum. Dementia sufferers are very sensitive and sounds like your Mum maybe is still aware enough to understand/sense your Dad's need of settling somewhere new, which she probably still considers her role to help him do, even if she is not fully aware of the situation. Once he has settled hopefully she will pick up on that and it will make considering a visit a possibility.

Just my thoughts, wish you well as you settle your Dad and hope your Mum can be content too where she is.
Sue:)
 

YoungestSon

Registered User
Jan 22, 2015
2
Sue J, many thanks for replying. You have a point - Mum may in part be thinking about helping him sort things out and that we should wait until he is more settled before trying a visit.. appreciated.
 

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