Hello, my husband and I are in our 30s and have two small children under the age of 3. My FIL has mild dementia and loves currently nearby with my MIL who is his main carer and still very capable. They in fact look after our 2 year old 3 days a week currently whilst I work (FIL obviously not providing care but we actually find whilst he cannot cope with adult conversation he interacts with our toddler well as it involves no-pressure and he doesn't have to be concerned he's not saying the right thing). Overall being around the children appears to be a good thing for my FIL. Recently however we have discussed the option of selling both properties and buying a larger house with an annex together. The idea being this would assist three fold with care for my FIL (and respite for my MIL), financially only needing to pay for upkeep of one property, and also easier child care / pick up when our toddler goes to school etc. My MIL is onboard with the idea, we already spent alot of our time round at their house in any event and given my in-laws are in their mid 70s-80s and my husband is the only child realistically who will be in a position to provide care (his brother lives 1.5 hours away) it seems buying together will future proof any care needs my MIL may also need as she gets older. At this stage we are trying to research all the advice and we need to obtain etc and I found this forum. Wonder if anyone has already done this in similar circumstances and can give me any advice. At present in-laws are mortgage free and hold as tenants in common to protect MILs share from care fees. We have a mortgage and would need to obtain a mortgage for any future property. Am vaguely aware of deprivation of assets issue. We have POA for both in-laws. I would say now my FIL would not be considered to have capacity. Thanks in advance
Buying a house with annex with in-laws
- Thread starter jroyle
- Start date
You need professional legal advice on this. There are many issues to be considered, including tax implications, and you don’t want to make an expensive mistake. You need to to consider many ‘what-ifs’ including the unthinkable. For example, what if you and your husband decide to separate? What if (heaven forbid) one of you becomes disabled or dies? What if your FIL (or MIL down the line) needs to go into a care home? Your FIL can’t make a new Will, so will this change make his existing Will problematic?
I don’t mean to sound wholly negative about your thinking - indeed I can see many positives in your approach. You just need to consider all the potential pitfalls as best you can - there may be steps you can take to mitigate the risks, but you need professional advice to understand what they are and what choices you have.
I don’t mean to sound wholly negative about your thinking - indeed I can see many positives in your approach. You just need to consider all the potential pitfalls as best you can - there may be steps you can take to mitigate the risks, but you need professional advice to understand what they are and what choices you have.
Welcome @jroyle
I agree with @Veritas . Legal advice is essential.
Deprivation of assets is the first thing SS will identify if your father in law needs residential care.
I cared for my grandchildren for 3 days a week until the time came when my husband was unable to be left while I took them to school. We didn`t have an annexe but lived a 5 minute walk away. It is important to look to the future, not knowing the rate of your father in laws deterioration and how long he will be able to be left even with an annexe.
I agree with @Veritas . Legal advice is essential.
Deprivation of assets is the first thing SS will identify if your father in law needs residential care.
I cared for my grandchildren for 3 days a week until the time came when my husband was unable to be left while I took them to school. We didn`t have an annexe but lived a 5 minute walk away. It is important to look to the future, not knowing the rate of your father in laws deterioration and how long he will be able to be left even with an annexe.
@jroyle Looking after someone with dementia which is a progressive disease and a three year old is a big responsibility. Dementia is very unpredictable and fine one day can be an impossibility the next. By the time your child goes to school and needs taking and collecting your MIL could be a carer who can’t move an inch from your FIL and can‘t cover her own needs.
My husband was 62 when he was diagnosed and I was 60, healthy and fit. By 65 I was worn out, constantly tired and still had two more years of sheer exhaustion ahead of me before my husband went into nursing care. Coukd I give as much again at the age of 77, no I know I couldn’t, I would be willing but left wanting. Could I manage dementia and care for someone else, NO.
Please think carefully before taking such a step. It’s a lovely thought but there may also be legal implications as you hold POA. legal advice as said by other members is a must.
My husband was 62 when he was diagnosed and I was 60, healthy and fit. By 65 I was worn out, constantly tired and still had two more years of sheer exhaustion ahead of me before my husband went into nursing care. Coukd I give as much again at the age of 77, no I know I couldn’t, I would be willing but left wanting. Could I manage dementia and care for someone else, NO.
Please think carefully before taking such a step. It’s a lovely thought but there may also be legal implications as you hold POA. legal advice as said by other members is a must.
Please don't do this. Dementia is a progressive illness and as it progressess it normally doesn't work to have young children around a PWD.
MIL will only be able to do the school run whilst FIL can be left.
FIL might not understand boundaries and keep coming into your bit of the house at inappropriate times. This might mean disturbed nights and your children not being able to have friends round.
My children were 8 and 12 when my mum had a crisis and we had my mum stay with us for 3 months. My12 year old was old enough to understand but my 8 year old wasn't. It was difficult and that was only for 3 months.
MIL will only be able to do the school run whilst FIL can be left.
FIL might not understand boundaries and keep coming into your bit of the house at inappropriate times. This might mean disturbed nights and your children not being able to have friends round.
My children were 8 and 12 when my mum had a crisis and we had my mum stay with us for 3 months. My12 year old was old enough to understand but my 8 year old wasn't. It was difficult and that was only for 3 months.
I agree with much that has been said above. This would be a bold move and has the potential to make make life more complicated rather than easier. Dementia progresses at different paces and you FIL could change quite dramatically and suddenly meaning your MIL would not be able to support you with child care. For example my mum could no longer be considered safe around other vulnerable people due to challenging behaviour, this time last year she was the sweetest person ever.
I have a friend who did exactly what you talk about and has told me just recently it was the biggest mistake they ever made, it had a huge impact on all the family and no one could get a break.
You say you live near by so for now that’s possibly a good scenario. The time may come when your MIL will no longer be able to manage, this is a reality , and as a family you can get together a find the best alternatives like care in the home and adaptations or eventually residential care.
It would be worth just having a look at what dementia progression looks like,especially towards the end stages and think of you could really manage all that this entails. Your FIL may have some time as he is but there are absolutely no guarantees.
Sorry if this is not what you were hoping to hear but financially, legally and emotionally this could be a big risk.
I have a friend who did exactly what you talk about and has told me just recently it was the biggest mistake they ever made, it had a huge impact on all the family and no one could get a break.
You say you live near by so for now that’s possibly a good scenario. The time may come when your MIL will no longer be able to manage, this is a reality , and as a family you can get together a find the best alternatives like care in the home and adaptations or eventually residential care.
It would be worth just having a look at what dementia progression looks like,especially towards the end stages and think of you could really manage all that this entails. Your FIL may have some time as he is but there are absolutely no guarantees.
Sorry if this is not what you were hoping to hear but financially, legally and emotionally this could be a big risk.
