Brought Dad home From Care Home

[flossielime]

Well after 12 days in care home I have had to bring dad home. He hated it and to be honest from a purely selfish point it was so hard for me him being in there. He is happy at home, there I had to entertain constantly. He was so much easier to manage at home.

The nights are the problem with my dad. Husband has insisted we cant go back to doing night care - so dad tonight has double quietapine and first time lorezapam with no one there to check he is ok. I know that is not good, BUT I think the worst that can happy is better than the agony my dad felt in the care home.

 

[Emomam]

confusion.

You might find that after a short spell at home he will want to go back in care. Who knows. He might not be ready to stay in a care home yet. It's just a minefield deciding somebody else's future.

My mum is on her 12th day too and has never once asked to come home. I don't even think she remembers it. She does feel sorry for the other residents who she refers to as poor souls. But she likes the company of people her own age and the food is great (her only love left) and there's always something happening instead of watching tv 24/7.

It's not perfect and its me that's struggling to deal with it not mum but like your husband said, we can't go back to how it was.

So now you have to push for a night sitter, then you could sleep well in the a knowledge that your dad was safe.

 

[Chemmy]

You are the only one who knows the true situation, so you have to go with your instincts. I hope the meds settle him down. Do you have a door alarm of any sort to ensure he can't get out at tonight without someone being alerted? That was the main worry I had with my mum, especially at this time of year.

At least if the prospect of full time care arises again in the future, you have now got some experience of the system to fall back on and will know the questions that need to be asked before deciding on the most suitable place.

Good luck!

 

[flossielime]

Thanks Emomam - my dad too referred to the other residents as poor souls.
It sounds like your mum is really enjoying the care home. i think it is all about getting the timming of admission just right. For dad it was just a bit too early - probably be ideal for him in 6 months - that said being out is not going well either now.

I took his tablets up last night then left him. Care call phoned at 4am to say he'd left the house. I went to pick him up. I live v close. I took him home. I got him in bed - put his shoes and coat in a wardrobe in another room - to slow his exit if he tried to go out again. I also left a key in the back door so he could easily go in the back - but the back gate is locked so it would be difficult for him get out in the street. I then put the key to the front door in the sideboard. Anyway went back at 7.30 am. I opened the door to him in his coat pacing the floor. His first words to me were "I am not happy being left in this house all night"

He has never said anything like that before. I asked was is because he couldn.t find his keys. He said no it was being here. I explain it was his house and he was all affronted - yes I know that. HE was just so so confused.

He then started telling me this tale about how had just been to where he used to live but now didnt know how to get in touch with anyone. I reassured him it must of been a dream. BUT he was so unhappy. Saying he was fed up with himself and didnt want to live like this.

I am now devastated I put him in the home and it has confused him so much. He was so down. He has Never been like this before he went in - never so confused. My only hope is that maybe it is due to the increased quietapine or the new lorazapam. Or maybe he has got so used to someone there at night it threw him being alone - I just dont know.

 

[flossielime]

Thanks Chemmy
Yes we have the door sensor - in many ways that's where the problems started!

The care home was in was ideal other then the other residents being so much more demented than him. I would definitely want him to go back there. One of the reasons I wanted him out though was he was becoming so frustrated at being locked in and I was concerned that he might start to become aggressive. He is not aggressive by nature or in the illness but I was concerned - he pushed me out of his room he was so annoyed with me for putting him in there. So I thought if he aggressive they might be thrown out or not offered a place in the future.

 

[Emomam]

I think I would look at a different care home that fits him. I think I was just lucky with the care home although it's not perfect it's as close as you can get. Mum wouldn't be happy all the time wherever she is as she doesn't remember where she is, where she lived, where her husband is or her own date of birth.

Sounds like your dad is maybe not that bad and is mobile where mum isn't.

Mum wanted to go in a care home strangely she is more content there.

So hard I wish i could offer you a solution but I think you have to shout loud at SS.




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[Tin]

Dear Flossielime, I'm so sorry you sound just as confused as your dad, what to do for the best and hoping the medication will help. My mum is a wanderer too, mainly during the day she is in and out to the garden gate, sometimes at night and that's the worrying time, she lives with me and all doors are locked so I can just track her around the house. Lorazapam did help her at the beginning, but her confusion the next day was due to this medication and now it is having no effect on her sleeping, just total anxiety and confusion so she does not take this anymore.

For you this night time wandering must be terrifying and sleepless nights follow. For mum the night time has gone down to one night a week and everyone keeps telling me that it will stop. I don't mind one night a week, its a compulsion to do it and if I try to halt it, it is only for 10-15 minutes before it starts again. One bit of advice I was given was to leave the tv on a suitable channel, so it would work as a distraction, or favourite dvd on a loop, this one did work, when I got up in morning I would find mum fast asleep on sofa, fully dressed. Can't think of anything else to tell you but just send you loads of understanding a support.

 

[Chemmy]

Re. The night sitter. Is there any reason why you (using your dads money) can't employ one privately? You don't need approval from SS to do that.

However surely a night sitter isn't going to be able to stop your dad leaving the house either? They can't physically restrain him and won't he get just as agitated being 'kept a prisoner' in his own house as he was in the CH? I wouldn't want to be the carer in a 1:1 stand-off situation in the middle of the night. At least in the CH, there is backup staff if your dad gets aggressive.

As I've said before, my mum was a daytime wanderer, but that was no less difficult to deal with. There was no way I could prevent her from walking the streets, cold, bedraggled and tired and being rescued by strangers after occasional tumbles. That last Christmas where I described driving around the countryside with her on Christmas Day was the final straw for me.

I'd gone down on Christmas Eve and of course she was out, goodness knows where. When she eventually arrived back home, she was really distressed. Confused, cold, hungry and probably soiled as well. And that was it for me. She wasn't coping at home and I made the call to the CH of my choice the day after Boxing Day.

Perhaps paying for a private carer to take your dad out during the day from the CH would be one possible solution in the longer term? I wish I'd thought of that with Mum in the early days as a 'friend' was what she needed more than anything, before she finally settled in.

She was also better than the 'poor old souls' when she first went in (as are most newbies) but eight years on, she was one of them herself, slumped (due to the Alzheimers, not as is often presumed, boredom) in a chair, dozing for most of the day. I loved it when new residents came in who were able to communicate with the staff, because it provided the 'poor old souls' with people to watch and listen to, even if they couldn't join in.

 

[flossielime]

Thanks chemmy. My dad did have a night sitter some nights (with me doing the other nights) But it was costing £1200 a month. And really we need care every night as me continuing to do night care is just not feasible. My husband works a 3 shift pattern so is on nights every 3rd week - so I need to be at home with the kids. Plus it is just too emotional and physically draining. With a job, kids and 2 other elderly relatives to care for too. So I think for full night cover we are looking at about £2000 a month.

My dad had savings and a pension- but that soon went with this level of outgoings. I also had homehelp in the day to pay and the usual household bills. It was just too expensive - which is why I asked for help from SS. Which obviously has not come.

 

[flossielime]

Chemmy - my dad has always been very ok staying in at night when reminded he is retired by myself or the carer. He just goes back to bed or sleeps in the chair. But care call reminding him did not work and notes all over the house dont work.

 

[Chemmy]

. So I think for full night cover we are looking at about £2000 a month.

My dad had savings and a pension- but that soon went with this level of outgoings. I also had homehelp in the day to pay and the usual household bills. It was just too expensive - which is why I asked for help from SS. Which obviously has not come.

So presumably if your dad goes into care, he will be able to sell his house and self fund, (for 4 years, was it?) It's not hard to see why SS aren't keen to contribute - I expect their logic says that he will have all the night time care he needs in the CH and doing it that way costs them nothing. Nor do they have any responsibility if anything goes wrong.

In some ways, I see their point as it could set a precedent if they fund your dad. What happens to those who are looking after their spouse 24/7 and aren't getting any sleep either - should they get a paid-for night carer too? Where does it stop? Just playing Devil's advocate here btw, but when funds are stretched as they are now, you can start to see it from both sides, and why a CH ends up as the compromise.

 

[flossielime]

I know, I understand the issues. It's a desperate situation


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[angecmc]

So sorry to hear it didn't work out for your Dad, I wish whoever is in government would take a tip from I think its Canada, I read on here once that they round up all the dementia sufferers that like to wander at night and have carers looking after them in a night center, then return them home in the morning, my Dad could have done with that for my Mum, he may then have been able to care for her at home a bit longer. Surely they could work out something like that here. Hope your Dad settles again soon, perhaps once he has been home a few days, he will be better. Really feel for you xx

Ange

 

[Chemmy]

You are between a rock and a hard place, aren't you? I suppose it's a case of weighing up the pros and cons of your dad having some degree of independence, with its associated risks, vs being deeply unhappy but safe in the CH.

Some might take the view that letting your dad retain what might turn out to be the last few months of his freedom is worth any risk. Only you can tell if that sits well with you.

I had it easier in some ways - I lived 120mls away so I wasn't available to fetch Mum home when she went walkabout. Again, only you can decide how long you're prepared to carry on doing that, because ultimately, I suspect he'll continue being hostile to the idea of going into care. You (and your OH) might well be the ones who have to say, 'enough is enough;' and don't ever let anyone tell you that you have failed him if/when you do. Your compassion towards him shines through all your posts.

 

[flossielime]

Thanks everyone.

Dad I am now sure I have done the right thing - by yesterday dad was back to his usually cheery self. Lost his keys (happens a lot) forgetting everything but not saying anything too random and still repeating that he was so glad to be out 'that hospital'.

I feel calmer.

 

[Witzend]

I believe it sometimes happens that when there is a house, but for whatever reason it can't be sold at the time to fund CH fees, they can be 'rolled up' and paid when the house is finally sold.

You'd think there might be a similar scheme for funding night care, if this is what your dad needs most, rather than 24/7. I'm not saying there is such an arrangement, but IMO there ought to be, if this is the only way it can be funded.