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Birthdays for carers

veronicamary

Registered User
Aug 21, 2013
14
yesterday I was 82 and I have a husband , who is 94 with Alzheimer's. I received twenty five cards from my friends and children, who are all incredibly supportive, but no acknowledgment whatever from my husband. He had been watching all the mail come in, but still didn't catch on. It was so hurtful and had I not been recovering from a stroke myself I would probably not have taken it so hard.

May I make a plea to all who might be concerned;if the carer has a birthday, please see that there is a card or little gift from the person whom they love. It will make all the difference
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,013
London
Yeah I know the feeling. I can sing happy birthday to myself and he will still not catch on. But I have kept some of his cards from previous years, be it birthday, Valentine's or Christmas and I simply display them each year. Just the other day I rediscovered a beautiful poem he wrote me one Valentines's Day. I will display this on the 14th and know deep down he loves me.

Try not to take it too much to heart - it's not deliberate thoughtlessness but the dementia that creates havoc in his brain.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,330
69
Dundee
Just echoing what others have said.

I always buy a card for Bill to give me. He can barely write his name in it now. I suppose it's a bit pointless but it makes me happy. One time I was trying to get him to write something in a Valentine card while the rugby was on tele. When I looked at the card he had written Scotland 10 England 36 - or some such score. He had copied it off the screen. I was really upset but now I can see the funny side. :D

I have letters he wrote to me when we first met. I cherish these but can't really read them now. I will some day.
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,972
Derbyshire
I am sorry you are upset by this but thankfully your friends and children remembered.

Like Izzy I used to remind my husband that my birthday was due. Then ask him if he would like me to get a card - answer always yes with a little distress that he was unable to do it himself. BUT it made him happy when I showed him the card he had given me, not that he did.

I also cherished the earlier letters and cards.
 

peachstone

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
56
West Oxfordshire
My first comment here, so hello everyone and thank you for this forum.

A belated Happy Birthday, veronicamary, I'm sorry it was sad for you. This disease is utterly wretched.

I'm glad you mentioned about carer's birthdays - my MiL is caring for my FiL who has Alzheimer's and her birthday is coming up, so it's a good motivation to make sure that her husband is given something to give her, even though he isn't able to get it himself.
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
Wow 25 cards - that's brilliant, i'm lucky if I get 4. Happy birthday - I think you should buy yourself a little treat from him next year because that is what he would have done if those cells were still working properly....something you would really enjoy or something special to share and cheer you both up xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,462
Merseyside
My first comment here, so hello everyone and thank you for this forum.

A belated Happy Birthday, veronicamary, I'm sorry it was sad for you. This disease is utterly wretched.

I'm glad you mentioned about carer's birthdays - my MiL is caring for my FiL who has Alzheimer's and her birthday is coming up, so it's a good motivation to make sure that her husband is given something to give her, even though he isn't able to get it himself.
Welcome to TP :)
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
Yeah I know the feeling. I can sing happy birthday to myself and he will still not catch on. But I have kept some of his cards from previous years, be it birthday, Valentine's or Christmas and I simply display them each year. Just the other day I rediscovered a beautiful poem he wrote me one Valentines's Day. I will display this on the 14th and know deep down he loves me.

Try not to take it too much to heart - it's not deliberate thoughtlessness but the dementia that creates havoc in his brain.
I've kept all family cards ( from John and I and the children and grandchildren) since we met in 1966. Although a few got lost along the way, I have most of them. After he died, I sorted all those he sent me into separate folders: Birthday (needed 2 folders for those), Wedding Anniversary, Christmas and Miscellaneous, like Valentines Day, Good Luck, Get Well Soon, and I'm so glad I did that.

I look through them in the appropriate week, and I can laugh at some and cry at others. He wrote me a poem called "Time" for my birthday, when we were engaged, and on the front of this lovely padded card, it said "To My Sweetheart On Her Birthday" - I don't think they had "Fiancee" on cards then. One of the couplets read:

I will fight and fight, like a man possessed, to keep this maiden with whom I've been blessed. That was the man who adored me. :)

When my grand-daughters saw this poem (it's about 20 verses long), they said "Grandma, could people only buy padded satin cards in The Olden Days"!!!!!

Some of the cards from about 30 years ago have verses such as :

All other women you surpass, and how I love your gorgeous a*** !!

Another one was:

Scarlett, my darling, I love you to bits and blimey, you've got a great pair of ****!

True, not Shakespeare but they mean the world to me. :) It's wonderful to see the people our spouses were, in pre Alzheimer days. How lovely to display your cards now. :) xxx
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
An ode for veronica mary

yesterday I was 82 and I have a husband , who is 94 with Alzheimer's. I received twenty five cards from my friends and children, who are all incredibly supportive, but no acknowledgment whatever from my husband. He had been watching all the mail come in, but still didn't catch on. It was so hurtful and had I not been recovering from a stroke myself I would probably not have taken it so hard.

May I make a plea to all who might be concerned;if the carer has a birthday, please see that there is a card or little gift from the person whom they love. It will make all the difference
AN ODE FOR VERONICA MARY

Veronica Mary, I wanted to say
That I'm sorry that something was missing that day

A card from your hubby alas, wasn't sent
But forgetting his sweetheart, could never be meant

I know the sad feeling, it's wounding and rotten
To think that your birthday's been sadly forgotten

And somebody should have pre-empted this error
And sent on behalf, a card from your feller

It's another reminder of this dreadful disease
When our loved ones forget the one thing that would please

And for decades I'm sure that your hubby adored you
And never would want you to think he ignored you

So please read this through, and perhaps have a laugh
Cos it's sent for his bride, on your hubby's behalf

I wish you the best, and it's not just from me
But from all of your friends who are here on TP! :D

*************************************************
 

Jinx

Registered User
Mar 13, 2014
2,333
Pontypool
Veronicamary, I can't compete with Scarlett's ode but belated Happy Birthday from me too. My daughter kindly sorted out a card from my husband for my birthday but I think the idea of putting out one sent pre-D is a lovely idea if you have kept any, and would have much more meaning. xxxxxxx


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
Cotswolds
AN ODE FOR VERONICA MARY

Veronica Mary, I wanted to say
That I'm sorry that something was missing that day

A card from your hubby alas, wasn't sent
But forgetting his sweetheart, could never be meant

I know the sad feeling, it's wounding and rotten
To think that your birthday's been sadly forgotten

And somebody should have pre-empted this error
And sent on behalf, a card from your feller

It's another reminder of this dreadful disease
When our loved ones forget the one thing that would please

And for decades I'm sure that your hubby adored you
And never would want you to think he ignored you

So please read this through, and perhaps have a laugh
Cos it's sent for his bride, on your hubby's behalf

I wish you the best, and it's not just from me
But from all of your friends who are here on TP! :D

*************************************************
Aaaaw! That's lovely!
 

veronicamary

Registered User
Aug 21, 2013
14
Thank you all.

AN ODE FOR VERONICA MARY

Veronica Mary, I wanted to say
That I'm sorry that something was missing that day

A card from your hubby alas, wasn't sent
But forgetting his sweetheart, could never be meant

I know the sad feeling, it's wounding and rotten
To think that your birthday's been sadly forgotten

And somebody should have pre-empted this error
And sent on behalf, a card from your feller

It's another reminder of this dreadful disease
When our loved ones forget the one thing that would please

And for decades I'm sure that your hubby adored you
And never would want you to think he ignored you

So please read this through, and perhaps have a laugh
Cos it's sent for his bride, on your hubby's behalf

I wish you the best, and it's not just from me
But from all of your friends who are here on TP! :D

*************************************************
I had a little weep and felt ashamed of myself when I read all the lovely replies. Thank you all so much. I was just down waiting for results of all the tests I have been having just lately and that was just the straw that broke me..
I have kept all the cards my dearest sent me and will get them out and look through to remind me of our 56 happy years together. No wretched condition will rob us of those ever.Bless you all and sorry to be such a wimp.
 

peachstone

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
56
West Oxfordshire
Not wimpy at all, veronicamary, not one bit. It seems perfectly natural to be upset at your birthday being forgotten by the person you've spent your life with.

I saw the same unhappy thing happen this Christmas when we visited the in-laws. My MiL had arranged for there to be gifts from him for all his family (they're both on their second marriage) but his family hadn't arranged any gifts for her, not even a card. Unfortunately, we hadn't thought to check and it was awful that she didn't even have a card from him. It's something we won't let happen again.
 

Lilac Blossom

Registered User
Oct 6, 2014
564
Scotland
Veronicamary - belated birthday wishes from me.

You have had some some lovely replies and I hope that has helped. It's wonderful that you received so many cards from family and friends.

I had one birthday card last birthday - our daughter sent it (son didn't bother) but I have had a look and found a lovely birthday card hubby gave me years ago and also a Mother's Day card from hubby - they are in a safe place ready to be brought out at the appropriate time.

Lilac xx
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
I had a little weep and felt ashamed of myself when I read all the lovely replies. Thank you all so much. I was just down waiting for results of all the tests I have been having just lately and that was just the straw that broke me..
I have kept all the cards my dearest sent me and will get them out and look through to remind me of our 56 happy years together. No wretched condition will rob us of those ever.Bless you all and sorry to be such a wimp.
Emotional? Yes. Human? Yes. A wimp? Never!!!! I'm glad you did the same as me and kept all your cards from your hubby, because this has brought me so much comfort, looking through them, and remembering the good times.

I hope you liked some of my hubby's poems, when he was fit and well,;) and saucy, and you now have your special Ode from all of us on TP - I'm the "Ode-er" on here. :)
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
And a very fine 'Ode-er' you are too, Scarlet123. I really enjoyed reading it and thought it was such a thoughtful thing to do.
Why thank you, she says, modestly lowering her eyes. ;) I know the feelings that VeronicaMary described, only too well, and an Ode is a wee bit more personal than a cyber hug. :) And I enjoy Ode-ing! xxx