1. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    thats what i feel like
    every one for months now wants hubby to go i day a week to be assesed
    he has never wanted to go fine i always said i would not push him because he is going down hill fast they say they need to put a care package in order i can see this my daughter said the only one dad will take notice of is you you have got to tell him he has to go ----
    he is my husband and love not a child
    but for weeks now i knew i had to do it i just did not have the bal-- to do it well sunday i tried to explain yet again in a nice way why he should go he still could not see it in the end i could not help it tears flowed i said i want to keep you with me as long as possible and that is what this is about he says if you want me to go i will i dont want him to go
    hence feeling awful +
    love bel x
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear bel,

    However upsetting you`ve managed to do more than I have.

    I would love my husband to be assessed, but like you, don`t want to rock the boat. I don`t want to send him anywhere yet, but I`d feel much happier if the SS knew about him, who he is and how he is, so everything will be in order when the time comes.

    So if your husband has agreed to an assessment bel, be glad. It doesn`t mean he will have to go anywhere yet, but it does mean the groundwork has been done.

    Take care
  3. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    oh bel

    how sad for you, just wanted to send you a hug
    take care xxx

    Attached Files:

  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    I know people on TP may not see it the same , as my mother not my husband , but I felt the same , when she said to me if you want me to go I will , she use to say in the early days do you want me to go to day centre today ? I felt I was going behind her back doing a care assessment, letting her down in not being able to look after her .

    I then I thought am I loving my mother to much that when you love someone so much you can be come selfish with your love for them , selfish that I wanted her all to myself, because I was feeling so sorry for her , she was now so depended on me . so many thoughts :eek:
  5. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Bel, you have done the right thing.
    You will be able to care for longer at home, if you have the right support. You can care for longer if you yourself get breaks from the caring - you may not want to do it, but view it as doing it for your husband.
    Love Helen
  6. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    Dear Bel,
    You are doing sterling work - and you are doing it all with your husband's best interest in mind.
    Being assessed does not mean he will be 'put away', it may simply mean that you both could get some extra support, practical, emotional and even financial (he may be eligible for attendance allowance). These things don't happen overnight, but once you have a contact name / telephone number of someone who is aware of your situation, it will be easier for you to push for extra help when you feel you need it.

    Good luck, you both deserve it!!
  7. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    living with it

    so many thanks i cant say

    your help is worth a million
    love bel x
  8. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Peg did not go anywher for an assessment,SS came to our home and did it.
    A community assessment is the gateway to other things and that you are in the "system "for the future.
    For us it opened up extra funding to have sitters/carers.
    I t enabled us to have direct payments.
    It is not a start to a care home, but rather a means of keeping your loved one at home with extra help.
    Like me this is what you want
    Hope this helps
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #9 Margarita, Apr 10, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2007
    Hope you don't mind me adding

    I feel that also that people think that, also just because I have also ask for respite for my mother . (as if ):rolleyes: it’s a way of looking around for a care home in my mum future with AZ , I do it so that I can keep looking after my mother at home , I may sound unrealistic to people , I Secretly think to myself I want to keep looking after my mother even to the point of the ending and at home with me , as mum progresses into her AZ .

    Sometime if I listen to other people to much , in how they perceive my situation , I end up doubting myself in my ability to do that

    I would hope that I would get more care support at home from SS , only time will till . So now getting brakes away from my mother is just recharging my brain giveing it a shower (so to speak ), so helping me care for my mother at home .
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Margarita, Don`t ever do that. Your ability is inspiring.
  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    That’s very nice of you to say Sylvia thank you.
  12. Noone

    Noone Registered User

    Mar 12, 2007
    We're having an assessment next week...and I for one, am pretty pleased, because at least with the 'professionals' there, my Dad will hear (first hand) that the things Ive been doing are fine, and that I need restbite during the day, especially if he expects me to be up in the night too.

    I need help. I put my hands up and say I need time to be me, time alone and away from my lady and her house...and if this assessment can offer this restbite for me I'll be so happy. Plus I know that in having time out, I will be better company when I get back.
  13. chip

    chip Registered User

    Jul 19, 2005
    Well we got from our Social Worker we dont do assesments yet she handed over the forms for me to fill in. That was last October and nothing changed to this date yet my husband has got worse in hospital but i have managed to encourage him back to near how he was and its working. They want to take him back in to hospital yet he is improving every day im fearful that the same will happen but i have been intouch with another agency who do emergency cover as well and say that they will have a pool of 2 for him so have a meeting with them next week. Even though we both had an assesment handed in to do nothing came out of it. I really hope this doesnt happen to other people.
  14. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    i so appreciate your advise it does help

    today was really bad aggresion --
    i know he is frustrated any one would be but over the last wee while he is getting really nasty
    i have a bag and a half of patience and dont get cross with him but we have half day thursday from shop i could see how he was before we left home in my heart i did not want to go out but then he gets cross cos he says he is ok
    cos his driving had to go which is a big thing -he in his mind drives the car for me
    he shouted at me so much i did not know which way to turn it is no good trying to explain to him or argue so i took us home asp i was so cut up with the way he was predjudise with people getting in the way etc
    i could not dicuss it with him he is so angry and i can see why its frustration but he shouts at me when i am driving and later on i said to him i know you cant help it but i cant carry on like this i will loose my mind
    he says i must leave you to drive he cant love bel x
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear bel,

    That`s the hardest.

    When my husband had to stop driving, there wasn`t the problem of him `back seat driving`, because I don`t drive.

    If your husband is telling you where to go and how to drive, it would make anyone nervous and tense. I`m not surprised you drove home.

    Perhaps another driver on TP could give you better advice than I can. All I can do is sympathize.
  16. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Bel,

    At the moment my Dad is still driving (we are waiting for the DVLA and GP to make a decision on this) but we don't let him drive long distances or at night.

    My mum drives if they go any distance (this is not unusual- they have always had 2 cars and shared the driving) but he insists on being a back seat driver, mainly criticising the route she is taking. They have had some real 'ding swings' resulting in my Dad getting out of the car and insisting on walking when they are miles from anywhere!

    I experienced this the other week when I drove him to Liverpool and despite the fact that I have been driving for over 20 years and knew exactly where I was going it was like I was a 17 year old learner all over again (if only I was 17 again:) ).

    I was called an idiot and worse for not going the way he would have gone. Fortunately I am pretty thick skinned and a bit of a girl racer (girl is pushing it a bit at 38:D ). I just said we would go his way on the way home, admitted I was a naughty girl who had never done as she was told, and drove on to a chorus of 'we'd have been there by now'.

    As a daughter I am used to being shouted at by him and have learnt to roll with the punches. My Mum finds it so much more difficult to bite her tongue and not shout back.

    I don't know how your hubby was before the AD but if he was anything like my Dad, a highly capable person used to being in control it must be frustrating for him to be the submissive one.

    Could you try using public transport? I'm sure he'd soon prefer your driving.

  17. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    back seat driving

    our daughter bless her has picked out a sat nav for me in halfords and given me the money for it there is a free demo i am going to try and see if i can folllow it cos it is dangerouse hubby trying to tell me where to go
    love bel x
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    That`s brilliant bel. I hope it works for you. What a lovely thoughtful daughter you have.
  19. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    That's great, bel. It's so thoughtful of your daughter.

    I could do with one too, Jahn can't navigate any more, but because it's his area, he tries to tell me where to go. What with his poor speech and lost sense of direction I get totally flustered!

    Let us know how you get on.


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