Hi, my 81 year old mam does a great job of caring for my 84 year old dad who has Alzheimer's. They live in the same bungalow they had lived in for over 60 years. One of the things mam has to deal with is dad's inability to hit the pot when going to the toilet, anytime day or night. Mam has put towels around the toilet which she has to wash every day. Is this common amongst men with dementia? Mam tells me she shouts at my dad when it happens during the night, especially when he has sometimes taken to urinating in the living room, assuming he thinks he is at the toilet. I understand mam's frustration in the middle of the night but would it be better if she could stop herself from shouting and instead try cajoling dad to go to the bathroom? Or does it not matter? I worry that dad will just remember being shouted at. The other day he told my brother my mam is nasty. Is this all just past of the dementia? Mam looks after him so well and it's just very sad to see.
Best way to deal with frustration
- Thread starter MrsBear
- Start date
I think this is pretty common @Mrs Bear. Do you think your dad would use one of these?
www.incontinenceuk.co.uk
Male Portable Urinal with Handle & Lid - 1000ml
Long life re-usable plastic male urinal bottle for use in nursing, rehabilitation, elderly care, community care and personal home use.
If he's like my husband (85) the urinal bottle will help, if you hold it for him, but otherwise he wouldn't be able to coordinate that either. I have to be with my husband all the time, and get him to sit on the toilet for a wee now. When we are out, I fit a convene catheter on him, which work well but can be a bit unpredictable. Regards the shouting, I agree it seems harsh, but the relationship when you are actually caring for someone with this 24/7 is extremely, desperately, challenging and I shout sometimes, and sometimes scream into a cushion but have never told my family that. Sometimes I even smack myself in the face because I am so angry and frustrated and don't want to shout at him because I know its not his fault and I feel guilty at feeling like that. None of my family or friends know that. I am 20 years younger than my husband so can't imagine how difficult it must be for someone much older to cope with a spouse with this terrible condition. I am horrible to my husband sometimes, which leads to self hate and guilt on top of everything else, but we're only human after all and we get tired ?
I started using Puppy Pads around the base of the loo. It worked for a while and although it's not an ideal solution it may help in the short-term.
I now accompany my OH to the toilet and get him to sit down every time.
@Amber92 Be gentle with yourself. Please speak to your family, your GP, talk here, speak to anyone you can. Don't keep this to yourself. I made this mistake and am now paying the price.
I now accompany my OH to the toilet and get him to sit down every time.
@Amber92 Be gentle with yourself. Please speak to your family, your GP, talk here, speak to anyone you can. Don't keep this to yourself. I made this mistake and am now paying the price.
Thank you for your advice, we have tried a bottle but my dad seems unable to urinate into one, nor can he urinate sitting down. It seems to be psychological but even in hospital he was unable to oblige. He also refuses to wear pads at the moment too. I'm going to get some puppy pads, that will hopefully make the daily task easier. I feel so much for you, I can relate so much of what you are going through to my mam. I'm glad my mam has felt able to tell me and would encourage you to do the same. People will understand, as I do, and I do all I can to help but am always aware my mam is having to deal with dad 24/7 and every day is different. Talking and sharing in this community is helping me, hope it helps you too ❤️
Thanks so much AbbyGee for your kind words. It really helps to talk here sometimes, to other people who know what it's really like- especially when it's been a bad day. Today has been relatively good. It's a terrible disease.
