Best Friends

poohbeardisney

Registered User
Jan 21, 2017
4
I’m hoping to find some advice as I don’t know what to do.
I’m posting this on behalf of my mum. Her best friend of 50 years has been diagnosed with dementia.
Her friend has also recently lost her husband and moved house. One of these issues is hard enough but all of them is heartbreaking.
The reason for the advise is, mums friend has 3 sons. I’m sure that they care but they don’t seem to understand their mums needs. We don’t think she eats properly, is isolated in a small village and frequently calls mum forgetting her husband has died. Short term memory is poor.
I believe they have contacted social services but I’m not sure what happened. Where does mum stand.
Does she have to leave everything to the sons. It is heartbreaking to see her change.
My MIL past away last year. She had mixed dementia and I can see so many warning signs in mums friend that I have experienced before. Isolation is a big factor. And she has already stopped calling other friends and withdrawing.
Is there anything we can do to help or go to for advice?

Thank you for your time
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
3,779
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point. @poohbeardisney

I was recently concerned about a neighour’s well-being so I contacted the police when I couldn’t get an answer at his door. They told me to contact social services so I assume it’s ok for anyone to do that. I don’t know if they’ll be able to discuss your mum’s friends situation with her but there is nothing to stop her reporting her as a “vulnerable adult”.

Also your mum could report any drastic behaviour changes if and when they arise to her friends GP as it could indicate an infection. Again the GP won’t discuss anything unless the friend agrees to it.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,459
Yorkshire
hello @poohbeardisney
a warm welcome from me too

it's lovely of your mum to be wanting to help
I agree that your mum can contact adult services and the GP ... is she able to chat with the sons too, not to 'interfere' just to let them know that their mum calls her and they talk so the sons know your mum is still wanting to be a friend
is your mum able to visit, or is the new property too isolated for that; as you say isolation is a concern
 

poohbeardisney

Registered User
Jan 21, 2017
4
Yes mum does visit her friend as only over the road. Mum sees her most days. Every Saturday mum and another friend take her out for coffee and lunch.
I honestly don’t know if the boys don’t realise what help is needed. The last memory clinic appointment I went with mum and her friend. Son was meant to come but then said he had to work. Mum has tried to talk to them but it’s seen as interfering.
I know one of the sons contacted special services themselves but I don’t believe they have never been out to do an assessment. Which I understand is hard to do if the friend won’t accept help.
Maybe I should try asking mum to make an appointment for herself at the gp and I can go with her. Then she can explain everything about her friend. I understand that they cannot discuss her but mum can get her side across. Of course I am worried about my mum and the stress she is under as she works and has commitments in her own family. Then hopefully her friend will willingly go to see the gp.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,459
Yorkshire
what good friends your mum and you are @poohbeardisney

you are wise to be considering the effect on your own mum so visiting the GP to let them know may be helpful for both your mum and her friend

this may seem unkind ... might your mum keep a brief journal of incidents with her friend, just so there is some evidence of your concerns and how often some things occur to show Social Services and/or the sons ... they may be trying their best to support her and hitting brick walls, or they may really not be fully aware of her situation, or be in a bit of denial
 

poohbeardisney

Registered User
Jan 21, 2017
4
I’m not sure if they are in denial or just don’t get it. Friend was for getting to take her medication which is only in the evening. Sons new mum was taking this round every day. Sons probably thought they were helping by buying what we call a space ship with her meds in. This then has an alarm that goes of to alert the medication is unlocked. But then that’s another interaction with someone lost.
The journal is a good idea and something mum can show the doctor.
Mums friend is the loveliest, kindest woman who would do anything for anyone.
She does like to try and keep up appearances that she is ok. Mum being her best friend she doesn’t do that with her.