My Mother is in a dementia care home. She has advanced dementia but is very pleasant and calm most of the time. One of her fellow residents is very grumpy and screamed and shouted at me all afternoon when I went to visit her today. I thought he was going to attack me. Has anyone else had this type of experience,?
Being verbally abused by other residents in my mothers care home
- Thread starter Beth24
- Start date
Welcome to TP. Sorry to hear about what happened. Behaviour like this does sometimes happen at my Mum's care home and the best thing to do is walk away, or maybe move to your Mum's room if it helps the other person to calm down. It seems strange that the staff wouldn't have done anything to help though - what were they doing whilst all this was going on?
The staff were busy and there was no one in the room. I tried to keep calm. It was frightening and upsetting for my Mother too. He doesn't like me I think I remind him of someone he knew. I've complained to the carers but they dont think he is a risk. Even though he brandished his Zimmer frame at me. Where do I stand do I just have to take his constant abuse?
Unfortunately you will find that sometimes pwd do get unsettled and what seems to you to be aggressive is normal for that person as they too deal with this, but with due respect you are in their place of dwelling and not the other way round. There are no controls for verbal aggression, and as much as we would like everyone to adhere to what we think is socially acceptable, in the world of dementia such rules just aren't workable. If there were 10 care assistants what would they have done? Crowding a person with dementia when they are experiencng this will just accelerate their aggression and agitation and not calm it
Yes, obviously no one is suggesting that 10 care assistants should have come in and crowded the person but the carers will know the person well and may have techniques to distract them or calm then down. From what the OP has said there is also physical aggression being displayed against her too so personal safety needs to be considered.
Are there any quiet areas of the home that you can use when visiting your Mum, or could you go to her room? If the resident is just like this with you and not other visitors it's difficult to manage but have a chat with the manager to let them know what's happening and ask them for suggestions that will help your visits to your Mum be less frightening and upsetting for both of you.
Staff at my mother's CH would certainly step in if necessary. As the carers don't seem to be willing, I would speak to the manager and for her suggestions as to how you can have a more peaceful visit with your mother. Possibly you could move to another room, but you may need help from a member of staff to distract the other resident.
Sorry to read of your unsettling experience. I usually ask for mum to be put in her wheelchair so we can go round to her room & enjoy a bit of privacy. There are people who shout out a lot as part of their illness & sometimes just for getting in their personal space... It's the carers that usually get shouted at.
There are one or two I try to avoid as I know they can be aggressive.
I would have expected the carer(s) to have intervened in your situation to try to calm things down if it went on all afternoon. There should be a carer in situ when residents are in the lounge. Perhaps moving to another area during visiting will be better all round.
My nieces no longer take the children in regularily to see mum as they feel the environment is too disturbing now. It's only on occasions like her birthday that it may happen. However mum is in late stages & although pleased to see anyone visiting, she has long since forgotten most family members.
There are one or two I try to avoid as I know they can be aggressive.
I would have expected the carer(s) to have intervened in your situation to try to calm things down if it went on all afternoon. There should be a carer in situ when residents are in the lounge. Perhaps moving to another area during visiting will be better all round.
My nieces no longer take the children in regularily to see mum as they feel the environment is too disturbing now. It's only on occasions like her birthday that it may happen. However mum is in late stages & although pleased to see anyone visiting, she has long since forgotten most family members.
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thanks Palerider it's really useful to get view. Appreciate all your comments. Many thanks
There were several residents in my mother's home that were verbally abusive. One little old lady had a habit of sneaking up on me and giving me a vicious pinch. This only happened a couple of times, as I quickly learned to keep an eye out for her. Since she moved at a rate of about 2 feet a minute, all I had to do was to move away 8 or 10 feet. She would labouriously keep moving in my direction, till she got too tired.
One day I had to deal with a crisis with my mother. When she saw me come in, she slowly started rising from her chair;. I was not in the mood to deal with her so I barked at her "Not today, I'm not in the mood". She immediately sat down.
However, it is not pleasant having to deal with that sort of thing. I think the suggestions to avoid this person are good ones, as the PWD cannot be held responsible. I would also mention it to the staff.
One day I had to deal with a crisis with my mother. When she saw me come in, she slowly started rising from her chair;. I was not in the mood to deal with her so I barked at her "Not today, I'm not in the mood". She immediately sat down.
However, it is not pleasant having to deal with that sort of thing. I think the suggestions to avoid this person are good ones, as the PWD cannot be held responsible. I would also mention it to the staff.
One chairbound lady at The Banjoman’s home spends most of her day swearing at all and sundry, which can be rather disconcerting but you gradually learn to block it out.
I had to make sure the dogs weren’t within her reach or she grabbed a collar and nearly strangled the poor animal because she wanted her to get closer so she could make fuss of her.
I had to make sure the dogs weren’t within her reach or she grabbed a collar and nearly strangled the poor animal because she wanted her to get closer so she could make fuss of her.
There are various residents at mum's CH who shout, swear or pester visitors. It's hard sometimes to rise above it and pretend you are not affected by it if you are. (Like the man with the wild eyes who leers at me in the lift sometimes and makes suggestive remarks and reaches out...)
I find it helps - and reduces my anxiety - to think of the residents as children not adults. Because the way I react to/deal with misbehaving children is somewhat different... But it works.
I find it helps - and reduces my anxiety - to think of the residents as children not adults. Because the way I react to/deal with misbehaving children is somewhat different... But it works.
To add to what others have said, there is one (female) resident at my mother's CH who can be aggressive. I once arrived to find her smashing her rollator against the front door. The staff let me in through a side door, and the resident then started crashing against interior doors. The staff just observed and tried to calm things down as she wasn't hurting anyone. That was the worst I've seen her, she is usually just verbal, or passive aggressive, she likes to block doors or corridors. But as Joanne said - she isn't fast, so I keep an eye on her and can anticipate and avoid her.
There are others who shout, but not at anyone in particular. There are only five or six men in the CH but they all seem very peaceable. There was one who was a bit of a pest but I only saw him once, so either he was there on respite or they moved him on due to his unwelcome behaviours.
There are others who shout, but not at anyone in particular. There are only five or six men in the CH but they all seem very peaceable. There was one who was a bit of a pest but I only saw him once, so either he was there on respite or they moved him on due to his unwelcome behaviours.
