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At what cost does caring cause!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by VonVee, Oct 23, 2015.

  1. VonVee

    VonVee Registered User

    Dec 15, 2014
    Poole Dorset
    As some on here may be aware, for me its been nearly a year since
    My father died and i was left to pick up the pieces of my mothers illness
    Which my father hid and hid well.

    Its been a long year, its been a hard year, trying to care for mun and cope with bringing up a young family, to say its been a juggle of emmotions is an understatement. I am and i describe my self as the reluctant carer, because i didnt ask for this and i dont particularly like it, but shes my mum and i cant and wont give up on her.

    Yesterday i went to the doctor!!!

    And it's looking serious...

    Ive got to go back and have more blood tests on monday to confirm

    But what do i do now

    Im 44, with a 13 year old, an 11 year ol with autism and tourettes, and a hubby who i
    Love dearly but rarely see.

    And what about mum

    Im in a daze.
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Your health must come first.

    Ring social services & ask for an immediate assessment for your mum. Don't let them fob you off.
    I hope the results of the tests aren't as bad as you fear.
  3. chris53

    chris53 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2009
    Hello VonVee, so sorry you have so much going on at once, as Cat has said please do ask for an immediate assessment for your mum,maybe your doctor can put in a word to speed things up for you, you and your family are important and must now come first, social services should at least give you some respite care for mum ,until a care package is put in.
    Chris x
  4. VonVee

    VonVee Registered User

    Dec 15, 2014
    Poole Dorset
    Thanks Cat27, unfortunately, it is serious and quite bad, it's going to be one of 2 things, according to the doctors, and that's kidney & liver cancer or kidney and liver disease, I've been feeling ill for a while, but have been putting everyone else first and neglecting myself, so this was due to happen I guess, and I doubt the stress hasn't helped things, I spent all yesterday in tears, I'm only 44 and I'm scared, I don't do illness very well.
    But whatever, I'm still going to care for mother, even in between treatments, I'll do it for as long as I'm able.
  5. VonVee

    VonVee Registered User

    Dec 15, 2014
    Poole Dorset
    Dear Chris
    Thanks yes I will, she already has a care package put in place and it hasn't changed in a year, we gone through 3 different social workers, and I won't hold my breath for respite, the minute you mention the R word, you can hear the SS brain ticking, our SS here are pretty rubbish actually, I will tho at least try, but I doubt I'll get anywhere due to past experience. X
  6. Rheme

    Rheme Registered User

    Nov 23, 2013
    Hi Vonvee

    Your first priority is and has to be yourself as without your well being you will struggle to cope with the challenges ahead of you and that is of no benefit to anyone.

    As has been previously advised asked for an urgent assessment for your mum which must take into account your current circumstances.

    Take care and above all look after yourself.
  7. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    Firstly, sorry to hear your news and give yourself time to get your head around it if you can. Don't frighten yourself by reading everything you can get your hands on either. I was told by my GP I had a lung problem which gave me two years max! The consultant said he was talking rubbish, which he was, and showed me X-ray etc and felt so much better, as I like you had a young child to bring up and I am doing it single handedly.

    If it is kidney disease or cancer you can have a kidney removed easily, it's straight forward and not as serious as you may think. A liver is a great organ in respect of it re grows itself so can be cut to remove some of it if need be. I'm sure you will be told all that you need to know once you have seen a consultant, deal with what he says not take what GP says.

    Look into getting some respite care for your mother so you can have some quieter times with family, even a board game night is fun. Try to rest up too and watch your diet as that is important for everyday stress and if you do need to be hospitalised , food helps speed up recovery. So insist on getting more help with your mum from the powers that be and start being kind to yourself. Take care and keep us posted.
  8. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Hi VonVee :)

    I am sorry to hear your news. You've been looking after others like a trooper - now you must look after yourself.

    I can only echo what others have said. You need to let SS know that you have to take a step back at the moment, as far as your mum is concerned. You will always care for her, of course, but day to day it looks as though you'll need more help.

    Don't despair VonVee. Your first priority is to get yourself as well as you can, both for your own sake and in everyone else's interests. Mrsbusy puts it very well, I think. It's a horrible situation to be in, but your children need you, at the moment, more than your mum does.....

    I hope the blood tests are not as bad as anticipated, and that you get appropriate treatment soon.

    Sending you love and (((hugs)))

    Lindy xx
  9. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    I'm not surprised you're scared. That must be a massive shock to you.

    I admire you wanting to carry on looking after your mum but you must ensure there is proper care in place.
    That way you know your mum is safe & you can pop in when you are able to.

    Please put yourself first for once.
  10. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Ii'm so sorry to read about your news. Good advice here about thinking of yourself and your own family now. Social Services need to review the package your mum has.

    I'm glad you felt able to post her about your news. There will always be so one to listen and support.
  11. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    It might be time for mum to go into care. There she will receive much more care than you can give, but you both will be able to enjoy the good times, without the daily stress.

    Remember you cannot give your all, when you yourself need looking after.


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