at the end of my tether and then some

[hectoress]

Sat night - go out have a meal with friends share a barbie or just relax after a hard week - no such luck !!!!!!!!

What do I do OH has gone to family in Dorset because I cannot cope anymore - have spent the last three weeks being abused and insulted and accused of robbing him blind and the most dreadful thing ever to happen to him. I do not know where to go from here - too much wine and roses to make sense of anything anymore. I know nothing of this horrendous disease and have little idea how to deal with it. Why am I the guilty party here I didn't cause this to happen and it's not my fault so why should I be threatened with being pushed down the stairs or poisened with weedkiller because he is paraniod. I am so unhappy I cannot even put it into words.

I really need some support but where does it come from nobody seems to understand I cannot do this anymore I would rather put an end to it now - the thought of more years like this is untenable I am a coward of the first order but I have dealt with this for 6 years now and it has become unbearable - WHAT DO I DO ???????????????????

The future is a scary thing and I cry all the time because I used to be a brave, intelligent and caring person and now I hate me and him OMG ............

 

[creativesarah]

you still are a brave intelligent and caring person but youve been worn down repeatedly

perhaps you should go to your GP and talk, if he/she is sympathetic

if all else fails perhaps you could off load onto the samaritans (just a thought if you need to talk tonight)
I found the Alz Soc helpline reallyy good too

hope things improve
I am sure someone will come along with wiser more compassionate words than mine but just wanted you to know I'd read your post and felt your heartache

Sarah

 

[Butter]

I am so sorry hectoress. You are not alone. Many of us have been in this place. I think we hurt those we love the most - so your OH hurts you.
I suggest you go to your GP and discuss the support that you need. I have been offered a carers' group to join as well as individual counselling. Your GP may have more alternatives.
It is very very hard - nobody would disagree. I am sure. Please keep posting here.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Hectoress

Do you have any support for your husband from a Mental Health Team , his Consultant or Community Psychiatric Nurse?
It is impossible for you to deal with this level of challenging behaviour alone and you need to shout loud and long for someone to help you.

 

[nellbelles]

The future is a scary thing and I cry all the time because I used to be a brave, intelligent and caring person and now I hate me and him OMG ............

You still are you and you still are a brave intelligent and caring person, you are just worn out and unable to continue by yourself.

The weekends always seem the darkest of places, we are always here and as Sarah says so are the Samaritans, sometimes just to talk and have someone hear you can be a big help.

The one thing that stands out is that you cannot continue as you are without some help and support, I don't know if you have had an SS assessment for both yourself and your OH? And your local Alzheimer's Society may be able to point you to local support.

Please continue to post over the weekend and we will all do what we can to lift and support you. You are not alone, I promise.

Helen x

 

[jaymor]

Hectoress,

You have done something already, you have told us how you feel. Now you must tell someone who is involved with your care of your husband. Your CPN or SW. Everyone has a limit, you may have reached yours. There is no shame in that. This disease is horrendous for the sufferer and the carer. Take the time you have whilst your husband is away to speak to your GP and find out what they can do to help. I looked after my husband for 7 years and there were times when I would cry for hours because no matter what I did, it was not right and I was always the one he picked on to vent his frustration.

Keep posting and letting it all out and most of all enjoy a little 'me time', you deserve it. If you feel you may be able to carry on then try to gather some information as what is available out there to help you and also give some time to thinking about full time care for your husband if that is something you might consider.

Hugs and positive vibes coming your way,

Jay

 

[rjm]

Your situation is far more than anyone should have to bear on their own. Can you talk with Social Services about getting some respite or maybe even getting a place for him in a care home? No one, no matter what the circumstance, should have to live under threat of physical violence. If you ever feel at danger contact the police and let them sort out the support that your husband needs. Six years is a long time, and you have done it - nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about - and you are certainly not a coward, but you do need to find some help from here on.

 

[anne-marie]

not alone

recent diagnosis of mum, family have deserted me and I feel totally isolated. Nothing I do is right, accusations, verbal aggression, I feel that my life is over and I used to work in psychiatric care and I still feel unale to cope. Trying to stay positive but it is difficult perhaps this forum will help. I understand your pain and frustration.

Sat night - go out have a meal with friends share a barbie or just relax after a hard week - no such luck !!!!!!!!

What do I do OH has gone to family in Dorset because I cannot cope anymore - have spent the last three weeks being abused and insulted and accused of robbing him blind and the most dreadful thing ever to happen to him. I do not know where to go from here - too much wine and roses to make sense of anything anymore. I know nothing of this horrendous disease and have little idea how to deal with it. Why am I the guilty party here I didn't cause this to happen and it's not my fault so why should I be threatened with being pushed down the stairs or poisened with weedkiller because he is paraniod. I am so unhappy I cannot even put it into words.

I really need some support but where does it come from nobody seems to understand I cannot do this anymore I would rather put an end to it now - the thought of more years like this is untenable I am a coward of the first order but I have dealt with this for 6 years now and it has become unbearable - WHAT DO I DO ???????????????????

The future is a scary thing and I cry all the time because I used to be a brave, intelligent and caring person and now I hate me and him OMG ............

 

[zeeeb]

respite?

you need it. and you deserve it. And I know it's not his fault his actions and behaviour, but you shouldn't have to put up with that kind of treatment.

If it's going to push you over the edge, it's NOT YOUR FAULT that he needs more care than one person can provide. As I say over and over, it really does take a team to look after someone with high needs (not just alzheimers, but many illnesses). Many people try and take on the job for themselves and feel that they should be able to do it alone. But usually to their own detriment.

Demand regular respite, at the absolute minimum. If he refuses to allow carers in to help, it may be time for him to be in a care home. I can't stress enough how important it is to look after yourself. You shouldn't become a zero priority because your partner has higher needs than yourself.

Hope you can get some practical and useful help really soon.

 

[hectoress]

Thank you all so much for your supportive replies it made me cry today but different tears - relief not despair it has helped me to make the decision to get help. So far I have none just me 24/7 - I have to move to Dorset in 10 days time so he is near his family ( mine are here ) and I will insist he continues to stay with his son and I will seek help. His family now have some idea how hard he is to deal with - he has absolutely no short term memory and the only constant is his hatred of me and mine. They won't want to keep him longer but this is a new me - I read my post again this morning (sober) and I realised how low I have gone - I let it happen and I am the only one who can stop it. He is 76 and I am 65 I will not let him steal anymore time from me. I am alone in my house for the first time for a long time and the silence is weird but wonderful.

So much thanks for your support.

 

[Grannie G]

Please keep in contact and let us know how you get on. Your journey isn`t over yet even if you are on the right track.

 

[Pottingshed50]

Boy oh boy do you have my sympathy as others have expressed. This cannot go on at all, the thought that you can come to physical harm is one big warning bell that should not be ignored. The fact that he is moving nearer to his family may be a blessing in a way as they will see first hand that he is not all that he appears. Mum was a dear little old lady in everyone's eyes until they had first hand experience of day to day goings on. OH is ill , he cannot help it, he doesnt mean to hurt you I am sure of that, but try and turn this move of house into a positive, think of your future , you are still young. Once there get in touch with the local SS and if OH is as you say , it wont be long and he will be being looked after by professionals. There does come a time when you have to realise that you have done all and more than you possible can.

Keep your chin up.

 

[rjm]

Congratulations on your decision to move forward and find help to care for him. I wish you all the best for your move to Dorset and getting everything arranged. Do stay in touch and let us know how it works out for you.

 

[tigsmum]

The future is a scary thing and I cry all the time because I used to be a brave, intelligent and caring person and now I hate me and him OMG ............

That is exactly how I feel!!

I'm sure that when we first had contact with SS and the SW was filling in one of the many forms one of the "tick boxes" was to state that I was willing to continue to provide care. I frequently wonder what would have happened if I had said no ( which is how I often feel)

 

[nellbelles]

Like everyone here on TP I am pleased things look better this morning, I hope that tomorrow you can start to source some extra help. I hope the stage of hating you and yours soon passes, my husband was the same, but it passed.

Helen

 

[Loopiloo]

I was about to write a different post after reading your first one, and now I read you are feeling better today, which is good.

Like many others I can relate to you feeling at the end of your tether, and no one does understand because they are not living with it 24/7, not closely enough involved. But on TP we do understand, many of us having been where you are. The aggression is awful, it wears you down bit by bit.

the only constant is his hatred of me and mine.

I believed my husband hated me - and at times I hated him. I lived with it for years, my tolerance and patience often broke. But it truly is the illness, although hard to accept at times when it is directed personally at you. He does not hate you. As Helen/Nellbelles said, it does pass.

I hope you get as much help as possible in Dorset. Like you I was alone with my husband, but even although his dementia was progressing, and all the changes that brings, the only help he qualified for was day centre.

But he totally refused to go to a day centre, the doctor spoke to him several times, but he said a very definite "NO!" each time. Nor would he have agreed to the respite the doctor said could be arranged. They would have had to get him out the house in a straight-jacket - and he was not that far down the line. As far as he was concerned he was totally normal, nothing wrong with him, it was ME!

I realised how low I have gone - I let it happen and I am the only one who can stop it

You didn't let it happen, it is this b***** disease which is so destructive and we cannot stop that. But I'm glad you are now determined to self preserve and think about what can be done to help you in this respect.

I hope it works out better for you than it did for me and that you do get help when you move to Dorset. Stick to your guns.

Do keep in touch and let us know how things go. As Granny G/Syvlia said, your journey is not over yet. Finding TP and the wonderful people here stopped me falling over the edge. There is great understanding, experience and support of many kinds.

Wishing you all the best.

Loo x

 

[jan.s]

Hi, just wanted to add my support. I've been there and worn the T-shirt! Like you I felt I couldn't go on unsupported, and so you shouldn't. You've done very well, coping for 6 years.

You will get loads of moral support on here. So this week get sorting out some support.
Jan x

 

[SisterAct]

Hi - thinking of you and hoping tomorrow is a better day. Well done for letting out your feelings on here as TPers really do understand what you are going through. Enjoy your time on your own and hopefully make some arrangements for more help or respite.
Take Care
Luv
Polly xx

 

[dots]

I asked what would happen if I said no and I was told they would have to look after him (my husband). Its the illness talking when horrible things are said and its very hard not to take it personally.

 

[optocarol]

It is so hard at times not to take it personally, I agree! I have been trying not to get emotionally involved, after that advice a while ago, but when it comes out of nowhere, wow! 2 nights ago my non-driving husband accused me of putting water in the tank to stop someone else driving him places - why would I care about that? I'm happy for someone else to drive him.

Even though it may be the disease, it still hurts, especially when you're unprepared i.e. nothing along that line was being talked about.