I'm sitting here tonight at a complete loss. My mother in law has steadily gotten worse with her dementia to the point that she can no longer clean herself and, unless it is to see a doctor, pretty much refuses to leave her house while railing against the face that she is a 'prisoner'. My husband and I said (four years ago) that when she got to a point that she couldn't look after her own personal care that we would then find a care home for her. I'm exhausted. We had a lady in who came to do her cleaning and run errands and generally assist my mother in law but then we found out she was drinking on the job and had to let her go. Now it's just back to us again. I work full time and am just shattered trying to keep up with everyone's needs and said to my husband that now really is the time. Today my mother in law seemed to be in a lot of pain so I spent three hours with her while trying to get advice from 111. Eventually we decided that we had to call an ambulance but they were too short staffed to come and we wound up having to take her to hospital. She said she was in excruciating pain the whole way there but when she saw the doctor all of a sudden there was nothing wrong except for the normal aches and pains. After leaving the hospital, after being told she was probably constipated, she complained of excruciating pain the whole way home. It was just another attention seeking act that I thought I was over falling for. Apparently not. And now my husband tells me that it is his moral duty to keep his mother at home until she dies. The responsibility of finding another carer is falling to me because my husband wouldn't even know where to start and I'm just done. Really done. Where do I come in this equation? My husband loves me. And I know that. But I honestly can't do this anymore. We live on the same property as her so he's away now checking on her again while I sit here waiting for him to get home. I know that she is his mother and that he loves her but does that mean that I have to wait for her to die before I get to have a life with him. I hate that. I really do. I don't want her to die. But I don't want us to take care of her any longer. We are not young either and I'm just not willing to use up any more of the time I have left taking care of someone who I don't have any connection with outside of being married to her son. I know this isn't a marriage counselling site and I don't really expect any advice from anyone but I'm sitting here contemplating leaving my beautiful husband so that I can have a life that doesn't put everyone else's needs ahead of mine and I just needed to get that out of my system before I go to bed. Thanks for listening.
At a loss
- Thread starter pvl
- Start date
Here and listening @pvl. Does your husband actually understand how you are feeling,or have you been putting on a brave face all this time? You had an agreement in place 4 years ago and now he is reneging on it. Do you know why? It’s time to talk candidly, or show him the message you have written here. I think you have done enough and kept your side of the bargain.
Thank you DeeCee7. I've told him. He knows. The brave face ended six months ago and I have allowed him to see the depression and the sadness. He knows what this is doing to me but his mother's needs apparently come before mine. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Thanks Jessbow. The problem is that you get a care agency onboard and you still get all the calls to go and fix everything. I just want her to be somewhere she is safe and cared for so that we don't have to do this every single day.
I did that. I went away for three weeks and it was lovely but felt quite surreal. It doesn't seem to make a difference. But thank you for replying. I appreciate knowing that the community is out there.
Well, if your husband is coping OK with his mum when you go away then there is no reason for you to feel guilty about going away again. You need the break.
Im sorry your husband is prioritising his mum over your needs. Unfortunately, dementia does destroy marriages as well as lives, but dont let it destroy you too.
Im guessing that the last time you went away his mum wasnt as bad as she is now and your husband may not, in fact, cope so well this time so it may give him a taste of what it will be like if you do leave....
Im sorry your husband is prioritising his mum over your needs. Unfortunately, dementia does destroy marriages as well as lives, but dont let it destroy you too.
Im guessing that the last time you went away his mum wasnt as bad as she is now and your husband may not, in fact, cope so well this time so it may give him a taste of what it will be like if you do leave....
