At a crossroads and no signpost

Discussion in 'Memory concerns and seeking a diagnosis' started by CarrotHome, Feb 25, 2019.

  1. CarrotHome

    CarrotHome New member

    Feb 25, 2019
    Evening all,

    I guess like many of those posting on here, I am feeling lost, confused, conflicted and damn well scared.

    My parents (who live 130 miles away) exist in a constant malaise. Last year Mom very nearly succeeded in taking her own life. The stress of home added to multiple health issues and dreadful mental health led to it. My Mom is in her late 60s and Dad in late 70's. Dad without doubt has dementia issues, as did both his mother and father who both died whilst suffering from severe Alzheimers.

    My Dad's behaviour has deteriorated over the last 5-6 years however the last 18 months have seen him deteriorate even quicker. He is obsessive, miserable, argumentative, vile-tempered, aggressive and makes up stories over and over again. I have witnessed all of this first hand and regularly listen to his vile worded rants at the people he lives with. It is much worse when he has had a drink once a week, where her argues and rants at and with other similar minded people. To note, my nieces, aged 18 and 22 have lived with my parents for most of the last decade.

    I feel very sorry for them all. It is a small house and my nieces arrived in horrible circumstances. My parents have done a wonderful job of resurrecting as much as they can of two very damaged girls. Their love and support can not be questioned. But it's too much for them. After my Mom coming so close to leaving us, I hoped some things would change. But it all seems just to have returned to the same again whilst my Dad gets worse. Last weekend the Ambulance and Police services had to be called because Dad had fallen over after lashing out at my nieces. The Ambulance service then called the police. But Mom said they weren't in any danger and were ok, so it was dropped. I don't want to criminalise my father but how much worse do things have to get?

    I have spoken to his GP who will attempt to do an assessment when he next goes. But they say someone needs to go with him to offer their views. But he will not let anyone go with him, and will 'put on a show' for others.

    I really do not know what else to do to help them all before we end up in a disaster.

    I realise that is a rant and, for anyone who made it to this part, I am truly thankful!

  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello @CarrotHome you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

    When someone with suspected dementia won't co-operate it is, unfortunately, often the case that a crisis has to develop before they get the diagnosis and then help that they need. In a way it's unfortunate that police involvement was stopped as they can be very good and they set up a paper trail that can be useful if Social Services get involved in the future - as always seems likely in these situations.

    Don't worry about the post you made as it isn't a rant. Your situation is serious and must be distressing for you but you are in the right place - amongst people who understand.

    Do take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area once a diagnosis is in place. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

    You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc.

    Your situation is such that I feel a chat with the experts on the helpline might give you a few pointers. The line details are
    National Dementia Helpline
    0300 222 11 22
    Our helpline advisers are here for you.
    Helpline opening hours:
    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

    Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
  3. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    I am so sorry to hear what you are all going through, it must be so stressful for all involved.

    In terms of the issue around the GP visit and your dad not letting anyone accompany him. One of you could write to the GP giving details of the problems, so that when the GP sees your dad s/he will have the additional necessary information to refer to. Few people would be able to sit in a room with the person concerned and list all their behaviours in front of them, particularly if the PWD is aggressive. The last thing you need is a potential trigger for more aggression. I hope your family get the help they need.
  4. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    I agree with @Sirena about sending in a letter ahead of time to the GP. This is what we did with my mum and it means the GP can turn the conversation round to the families concerns without it seeming to come from them. It sounds like your mum and nieces need a lot of support too. Maybe talking to your mum about the police are there to help not criminalise? My mum calls the police out fairly often because she thinks the neighbours steal things, and the neighbours have done the same about her when she's ranted once to often outside their door. The police have been great at listening to her concerns and trying to get her to ignore the neighbours, no hint of it being a criminal matter.
    It sounds like you might need to get the nieces out of there, for their own safety and well being. Is there anywhere else they can go?
    Finally being 130 miles away must be a worry. I'm only about twenty miles from my mum but that seems to far when she phones up in a panic of an evening.
  5. margherita

    margherita Registered User

    May 30, 2017
    Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
    The next time you visit your parents you could also go to the police station and tell them your mum lied out of fear of and sense of protection for your father.
    So the next time they are called ( there will be one, I'm afraid) , they will know what to do, instead of believing your mum's words.
  6. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Good advice @margherita. The police are central to getting serious help from SS through the reports they send in.

    This is a real problem and you all need support.
  7. SaraKate

    SaraKate Registered User

    Dec 29, 2018
    I am sorry to hear of this unhappy family situation, and I am glad that others have replied to you who understand your situation. It's not a rant. Do keep in touch. I am most concerned with the safety and well-being of your nieces and your mother. They could possibly get support from social services who (though horribly overstretched) might have a domestic abuse specialist. If your Dad is being physically violent with them they should not have to live with him. This is not to report him to the police and make it a criminal matter, this is getting in help for them. I agree completely that your Dad should have appropriate medical supervision and care, but also your nieces' parents and your wider family (if necessary) should help you to keep them and your mother safe. This is an awful lot for you to have to face alone, I hope you can long around family and friends and get someone to help you safeguard your nieces and mother.

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