Arguments.

[littlemo69]

I'm struggling at the moment with arguments. for example,my husband-who has Alzheimer's- took the dog out for a walk. I was with him. He wouldn't let the dog go to the toilet on the verge even tho we had bags with us. he kept saying she cant go to the toilet in the street. When she did go he had a go at the dog then I had a go at him. We end up arguing over stupid things.
I know that what he does and says is correct as far as he's concerned but how can I deal with this especially when we're out.

 

[irismary]

Oh littlemo wish I knew. I get so irritated and frustrated then feel horrible about it as he cannot help it. Its hard sometimes the words just come out as I forget in that moment what it must be like for him. Deep breath, count to 20, smile and remember you are only human

 

[LYN T]

Oh littlemo wish I knew. I get so irritated and frustrated then feel horrible about it as he cannot help it. Its hard sometimes the words just come out as I forget in that moment what it must be like for him. Deep breath, count to 20, smile and remember you are only human

Yes, we are only Human but so, so difficult to accept. As much as we all know our loved ones cannot help themselves, tiredness, fear and/or frustration gets to us all at times. We have to accept that for every sharp response we make we have probably made many, many more compassionate, loving and concerned ones.

Please don't give yourself a hard time over what you have occasionally said. You are doing the best that you can.

XX

 

[meme]

Poor dog as well as you....not fair when animals suffer as a result of someones illness. Maybe just you walk the dog now...

 

[littlemo69]

Thanks for your answers sometimes it's just good to voice things. Get other people's experiences.
Our dog is fine. I have told my husband either me or my son will walk the dog now.

 

[Scarlett123]

Hi LittleMo and welcome to Talking Point. Yes, it's a great idea for you or your son to walk the dog in future. You have to choose your battles, and this is one you can win, without any problems.

 

[Mme Blonde]

I am struggling too with the never ending arguments. I have learnt to bite my tongue for the majority of the time and only rarely do I react, but whatever I do I am the bad person. I have just been shouted at because allegedly I ignored my OH when his electric razor needed recharging. The sad thing is that I didn't ignore him, I broke off what I was doing, plugged it in, gave it back to him when it was ready then took him into the bathroom to show him where he uses it. I am now being screamed at because I didn't shave him properly and there are some bits I've missed. (He always shaves himself and won't let me touch him.)
Just another jolly hour in the life of the spouse of an AZ sufferer.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[purplehead]

I'm struggling at the moment with arguments. for example,my husband-who has Alzheimer's- took the dog out for a walk. I was with him. He wouldn't let the dog go to the toilet on the verge even tho we had bags with us. he kept saying she cant go to the toilet in the street. When she did go he had a go at the dog then I had a go at him. We end up arguing over stupid things.
I know that what he does and says is correct as far as he's concerned but how can I deal with this especially when we're out.

Hi just count you self lucky that u son would walk the dog our two boys that would be the start of next argument

 

[Casbow]

Arguement

I can see your situation as clear as i see my own. My husband has become so awkward lately that i have phoned to get an appointment with the Social Worker. I have her and a Dementia person visiting next Friday. Whats the bet he will be charm itself. I feel I am treading on eggshells several times a day. Today we were going to do a quick shop for just 2 items. I started driving off and his seat belt started beeping. I said can you plug your seat belt in please love. No.! I said you must, its against the law not to wear one. Well by now I have pulled over. The alarm is still going off so I said let me help you. I don,t want help. I'm not wearing it so just get going. But I can't drive if the seat belt isn't fixed. At this point I just sat there waiting. I said I couldn't drive till it was done up. He said please yourself. He had his hand over the belt plug so I couldn't plug it in even if I got hold of it. Eventually he just changed. I said can you do your seat belt up and we can get going. So he did. Grhhhh! I sometimes feel like a prisoner because it is easier not to go out.x

 

[caqqufa]

I'm struggling at the moment with arguments. for example,my husband-who has Alzheimer's- took the dog out for a walk. I was with him. He wouldn't let the dog go to the toilet on the verge even tho we had bags with us. he kept saying she cant go to the toilet in the street. When she did go he had a go at the dog then I had a go at him. We end up arguing over stupid things.
I know that what he does and says is correct as far as he's concerned but how can I deal with this especially when we're out.

I think we all go through the same process of learning to NEVER argue. Don't criticize but politely suggest an alternative. They might not agree immediately but will make it their own idea. It takes time and practice. The path of deterioration in Alz differs from one person to another and I'm sure they feel that they are not in control and something is not quite right with them; so they need to prove themselves all the time. At the same time they are unable to reason logically- we can see that but they cannot. So littlemo, they cannot help themselves but we can: try and learn to be patient and understanding and loving. Importantly though, accept the situation for what it is. Something I find my husband responds to are feelings. If I start to feel fed up and annoyed it brings out the same in him, but once I realise and adopt a more childlike (not childish)attitude in my approach towards him, the situation gets lighter. We need to learn to live with a person different from the one we have known all our lives. Welcome to our world Littlemo and Best of luck HUGS xxxx

 

[littlemo69]

I can see your situation as clear as i see my own. My husband has become so awkward lately that i have phoned to get an appointment with the Social Worker. I have her and a Dementia person visiting next Friday. Whats the bet he will be charm itself. I feel I am treading on eggshells several times a day. Today we were going to do a quick shop for just 2 items. I started driving off and his seat belt started beeping. I said can you plug your seat belt in please love. No.! I said you must, its against the law not to wear one. Well by now I have pulled over. The alarm is still going off so I said let me help you. I don,t want help. I'm not wearing it so just get going. But I can't drive if the seat belt isn't fixed. At this point I just sat there waiting. I said I couldn't drive till it was done up. He said please yourself. He had his hand over the belt plug so I couldn't plug it in even if I got hold of it. Eventually he just changed. I said can you do your seat belt up and we can get going. So he did. Grhhhh! I sometimes feel like a prisoner because it is easier not to go out.x

I understand entirely. Because everything to them is right! My husband was only diagnosed in December. He's 55. It's a lot of childlike behaviour.

 

[littlemo69]

Thank you. X

 

[maryw]

Hmmm, we have similar issues and worse, the dog has decided it's better to be in my company than his Hubby gets agitated when the dog refuses to obey him (as he's done little of the training with her and just gets cross, it's no wonder). I always reassure the dog and keep calm (!), (so the dog stays calm) agree with hubby that it's very frustrating for him and promptly change the subject!!! Like you, it does my head in when he loses patience with the dog (who is a total sweetie) but so need to keep it all calm for everyone's sake! Boy it's hard work, but staying calm we try and do

Agree, distract and accept you can't change things

 

[canary]

Have you seen this?
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/newreply.php?p=1293915&noquote=1

 

[Lawson58]

Last night OH was engrossed with YouTube so I started watching a rerun of a favorite movie on TV.

Half an hour in to the movie, OH came in and sat with me. He decided that as we had already seen the movie that he wanted to watch something else so started flicking through all the channels without returning to the movie. He seemed to be doing it because he knew it would annoy me.

Yes I was angry, too angry to argue! I left him to it and went to my room. And yes I had seen the movie before but that wasn't the real problem. The situation was so symbolic of what my life now is that it made me want to cry, that he can no longer feel the usual human considerations for anyone, that it's all about him.

There are times when I lose the plot and it's usually over things that frustrate me but those arguments would happen whether OH had AD or not. You are allowed to be human as well as a carer so don't beat yourself up over it.

 

[littlemo69]

Last night OH was engrossed with YouTube so I started watching a rerun of a favorite movie on TV.

Half an hour in to the movie, OH came in and sat with me. He decided that as we had already seen the movie that he wanted to watch something else so started flicking through all the channels without returning to the movie. He seemed to be doing it because he knew it would annoy me.

Yes I was angry, too angry to argue! I left him to it and went to my room. And yes I had seen the movie before but that wasn't the real problem. The situation was so symbolic of what my life now is that it made me want to cry, that he can no longer feel the usual human considerations for anyone, that it's all about him.

There are times when I lose the plot and it's usually over things that frustrate me but those arguments would happen whether OH had AD or not. You are allowed to be human as well as a carer so don't beat yourself up over it.

Today my daughter offered to take me out for a coffee and OH gets upset cause he's not invited then the guilt sets in. I have to go out with my daughter tho. I need to just get a break. So I try to talk to him to say ill just be an hour or so.

 

[GrandmaBarb]

Littlemo, I can so empathize with you, especially when the argument involves your little dog. In the earlier stages of my husband's dementia I tried explaining, reasoning, arguing, etc., when there was very good reason why he should or should not do something. Learned that all that did was make him dig his heels in even more. When our dog had surgery for a torn cruciate ligament in her leg she had to wear a collar to keep her from biting at the cast and sutures. I told Bob how important that she wear the collar and that we were not to remove it. You guessed it. He removed. Twice! And she had to go back to the vet, be anesthetized and sutured up again. Twice!

As his dementia progressed he was no longer able to walk our dog, bend down to feed her, etc. I did everything for her where once she had been my husband's baby. He loves her so, so much and it hurt him that she started to want to be with me more than him. It got to where she would not even go to him every time he asked her to "Come". In her defense, she now has severe arthritis and her leg still bothers her so it is an effort for her to get up from her bed that we have in the living room. But it hurt my husband's feelings so I would go help her up and take her to him. She is a 12-year-old, 110-pound German Shepherd, by the way.

Nope, arguing, pointing out reality (ours, not his), and explaining doesn't work. And it will only get worse! Finding a way around or avoiding even mentioning the issues was what worked best for us.

 

[GrandmaBarb]

Lawson58, you touched a chord with your description of your husband turning the channel when you were engrossed in a movie. Yes, they lose all consideration for others and for the needs of others as the disease progresses and it hurts.

My husband's only pleasure was, and still is, watching TV. So I pretty much just let him watch what he wanted from the time he got up until he went to bed. And the TV volume was way, way up because he was hard of hearing and would not wear his hearing aids! The main problem was that he preferred the Military Channel. Twelve or more hours a day of the recounting of every war, every type of tank, machine gun, pistol, airplane, etc., ever made. I could stomach that but the Nazi stuff, with all that entailed, was too much for me. I had asked him repeatedly to turn the channel when that stuff was on because it so distressed me. Even wearing earplugs I could still hear it. My wishes didn't matter to him one whit.

Finally I had had enough. One evening as I was making supper Hitler was again on. I blew up inside but stayed calm when I gave my ultimatum. Either he turned the channel while I was preparing and we were eating supper or he could get his own supper. Then I left the room. It took him a while thinking about it but I finally heard another show on the telly. Back I came to finish making supper. Didn't say a word about it and neither did he but that was the end of the Military Channel in the evenings. A few months ago he forgot about the Military Channel and decided Andy Griffith, Gunsmoke and Bonanza were what he liked best, all day long on TVLand until supper time. Thank you, Lord!

The sad part of it is, we got into the habit of watching the news, Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy every evening together. It made him so happy when he got an answer right and we both enjoyed the time together watching them. Our son would call him ahead of time for the final Jeopardy question (it came on earlier in NY) and tell him what the answer was. Sometimes Bob would forget but a lot of times he would remember and delighted in thinking I thought he was brilliant. I knew what was going on but did not let him know, of course. Now I can't watch any of those because it is too painful for me to do so alone. It just isn't the same without him.

 

[Scarlett123]

To all of you who are banging your heads against a wall, or climbing it in frustration, my motto was always "go with the flow", because that's the only route. I wasted years correcting John on everything, in the mistaken belief that it would slow AD down. Silly me.

So I then invented my own language called "Murmurento". I would just murmur, in different tones, in response to questions that I could not answer. I would agree with the existence of invisible people, and have conversations with them, I would apologise for my numerous affairs, with men I had never met.

I agreed I shouldn't have hidden John's keys in the freezer and it was good of him to forgive me, and that everything he said was my fault, truly was. I automatically recorded any programmes I really wanted to watch, as I knew the chances of an uninterrupted hour were zilch.

Eventually, I asphyxiated myself with the smell of burning martyr.