I am helping to look after my mother in law, who made my life a misery for 30 years BEFORE she became ill. I now find, having taken early retirement, that I am the one sorting out all her problems and care issues. Is anyone else caring for someone, and having to deal with the fact that you could never stand them anyway. I feel really resentful that this has fallen to me, while her blood family are just occasional visitors she is glad to see [at the moment!]. They can turn up with a bunch of flowers for half an hour at week ends - unless they are going away of course, and cant possibly make it. Everyone else I have read about seems to be caring for a loved one. The way I feel does not make me an ideal candidate for the position, but her family seem to be living in denial about how bad she is. They dont want the fuss of changing their lives to help. Makes my blood boil.
Anyone else caring for someone they never liked when "normal"
- Thread starter CarrieLouise
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CarrieLouise,
I help look after my father and I dont like him particularily, which makes me feel very guilty at times.
I try to do the best, and put aside my feelings on a personal level to make the 'right' choices, but when I then get abuse from him, and moaning, I have to grit my teeth really hard and remind myself it is not 'him' anymore.
I am not convinced I will hold it all in forever
I help look after my father and I dont like him particularily, which makes me feel very guilty at times.
I try to do the best, and put aside my feelings on a personal level to make the 'right' choices, but when I then get abuse from him, and moaning, I have to grit my teeth really hard and remind myself it is not 'him' anymore.
I am not convinced I will hold it all in forever
She lives alone. She really needs full time care but blood family seem to care more about her assets being used up to pay for it.
Me too. I am thinking I may crack and just run away...should we form an escape comittee?.
can i come to your retreat too. when i look back at my childhood, mum and i had terrible times, she preferring the boys and told me so often. we never see eye to eye and we parted our ways. go back two years from now i could never had thought i would be looking after mum, i would not of wanted to. over the last two years i have become very close with her and forgiven her for all her misgivings while growing up. i've had to put my anger and thoughts to one side and forgive things. i've learned to love my mum now which is sad in some ways as now i am i'm facing losing her too. but i'm also glad i made peace with her and was able to see my mum in a new light. this was shown to me while my gran was dying, my mum was a very caring person who treasure my gran and cared for her very well. now shes ill and i care for her, least i can do, where are her precious boys now, far far away thats where. i'm glad too sometimes that it is just mum and i, kind of sole attention, something i had to fight for as a child. so whens thenext trip to your retreat i'm coming, and i may bring mum.
Yes, indeed
Hi Carrie Louise
And welcome to TP. There is great support on here.
Sadly, I've never been very fond of my Mum, neither have my two sisters and brother. It's terribly difficult. Before her diagnosis with VAD she was a racist snob with poor social skills and extremely self-centred.
Now, since August 07 when the diagnosis was official, she's still all of these things but slightly worse as I sometimes think that having dementia is like having too much gin with some people - the bad parts of their mind, personality and behaviour are magnified. (if you started the evening depressed, for example, then gin makes it much worse!)
I do so much for my Mum and it's hard and I sometimes feel very angry towards the rest of my family. They do very little indeed.
I'm starting a full-on, serious, very exciting job next week and I'm already dreading what's going to happen.
Good luck with your dilemma. I do feel for you.
Susan
Hi Carrie Louise
And welcome to TP. There is great support on here.
Sadly, I've never been very fond of my Mum, neither have my two sisters and brother. It's terribly difficult. Before her diagnosis with VAD she was a racist snob with poor social skills and extremely self-centred.
Now, since August 07 when the diagnosis was official, she's still all of these things but slightly worse as I sometimes think that having dementia is like having too much gin with some people - the bad parts of their mind, personality and behaviour are magnified. (if you started the evening depressed, for example, then gin makes it much worse!)
I do so much for my Mum and it's hard and I sometimes feel very angry towards the rest of my family. They do very little indeed.
I'm starting a full-on, serious, very exciting job next week and I'm already dreading what's going to happen.
Good luck with your dilemma. I do feel for you.
Susan
Hi Carrie Lousie
Hi and welcome to TP,so sorry that you are having to deal with your mum in law who you do not like very much.I care for my mum who is 83 and has Alzheimers but i love her, it is her 81 year old unmarried sister who i don,t like and she expects me to look after her to,i went to her Dr behind her back and told him to sort her out.Could you not do the same and get him to tell her blood family how things are.I wish you all the best take care Marian x
Hi and welcome to TP,so sorry that you are having to deal with your mum in law who you do not like very much.I care for my mum who is 83 and has Alzheimers but i love her, it is her 81 year old unmarried sister who i don,t like and she expects me to look after her to,i went to her Dr behind her back and told him to sort her out.Could you not do the same and get him to tell her blood family how things are.I wish you all the best take care Marian x
As long as tunnelling ala Great Escape isnt involved!!
I keep telling myself, do the best I can, how would I feel in my father's position - think of the good bits etc, but every now and again my teeth grate together.
I find wine helps!!
Another member for your club!!! I asked TP about this a few years ago, whether its easier or harder to deal with AZ when you aren't particularly close to the person you are caring for.
My MIL threw my husband out when she married her second husband, ( though he was a bit of a rebel, long hair, anti war, it was the 60's and he was an idealistic 16 year old!!)
His older brother thinks she's putting it all on, and so after 2 years of night time trips to her house when she panicked or something was wrong, we decided to sell both our houses and move in together.
What was the right decision at the time? It seemed so, in spite of my own mother, who had her mum live with her for 15 years until her death, telling me I was making a mistake. At the time, we thought we could cope.
Now, my hubbie can only see the things in her that make him question his memory of his youth, he remembers now that she always was self centred and self obsessed. He regrets our decision becuase I am at home all day bearing the brunt of it, and thank god we have a strong marriage or I think we would have buckled under the strain long ago.
Actually, I think the seperation makes it easier to deal with, we don't grieve for the person she was. The point about all the worst things being magnified is certainly true, but I still think it was the right thing to do, albeit from a sense of duty rather than outright love.
My MIL threw my husband out when she married her second husband, ( though he was a bit of a rebel, long hair, anti war, it was the 60's and he was an idealistic 16 year old!!)
His older brother thinks she's putting it all on, and so after 2 years of night time trips to her house when she panicked or something was wrong, we decided to sell both our houses and move in together.
What was the right decision at the time? It seemed so, in spite of my own mother, who had her mum live with her for 15 years until her death, telling me I was making a mistake. At the time, we thought we could cope.
Now, my hubbie can only see the things in her that make him question his memory of his youth, he remembers now that she always was self centred and self obsessed. He regrets our decision becuase I am at home all day bearing the brunt of it, and thank god we have a strong marriage or I think we would have buckled under the strain long ago.
Actually, I think the seperation makes it easier to deal with, we don't grieve for the person she was. The point about all the worst things being magnified is certainly true, but I still think it was the right thing to do, albeit from a sense of duty rather than outright love.
What annoys me a little is that when she had a partner she had no time for me or my family. Christmas and birthday presents were just a cheque in the post and she'd rarely come for Christmas or put herself out in any way. Now I'm the last survivor I'm important all of a sudden. I dont undertake any day to day care and wouldn't ask my family to either but I have to deal with the medical staff and Social services and all the financial matters. I hope I have a better relationship with my grown up children. Perhaps in some ways it makes it all easier to deal with. If it was my partner or child I'd think it would be more difficult to deal with.
My relationship with my mother has always been a difficult one. Her mental health has always been fragile. Now that she suffers from Dementia everything about her has been exaggerated. This evening, I made my usual evening visit, following my day at work. I was met with abuse and told her that I was not prepared to take it and promptly left.
She is going through a difficult time following an incident at Day Care two weeks ago. She was "told off" for an act of fairly child like behaviour and has since lodged an official complaint regarding the way she was treated.
I am her punch bag for receiving all her frustrations. I thought that removing myself from her venom tonight was the best course of action. Now I feel so guilty and upset that I have left her but it is the only sensible thing to do when she is raging at me.
I so envy people who adore their mothers, I feel desperately sorry for mine and wish with all my heart that I could make her happy. It wasn't possible before Dementia and it certainly isn't now.
May I join your escape committee!
Hazel
She is going through a difficult time following an incident at Day Care two weeks ago. She was "told off" for an act of fairly child like behaviour and has since lodged an official complaint regarding the way she was treated.
I am her punch bag for receiving all her frustrations. I thought that removing myself from her venom tonight was the best course of action. Now I feel so guilty and upset that I have left her but it is the only sensible thing to do when she is raging at me.
I so envy people who adore their mothers, I feel desperately sorry for mine and wish with all my heart that I could make her happy. It wasn't possible before Dementia and it certainly isn't now.
May I join your escape committee!
Hazel
Where shall we all go???
Thankyou to everyone who has replied, at least I dont feel so alone now - or so guilty that I still cant stand her!.
Everything I do for her is for two reasons - if I didnt my husband would be caring for her alone, and he has a stressful job, which is enough on its own, without constantly having to sort out details such as his mother has emptied the contents of her weekly medication box down the loo again. And also because I feel I have to, because the others in the family couldnt care less. This is the strange thing, I dont like her, and I certainly dont love her, but I feel a duty to care for her, it makes no sense but thats how it is.
Anyway...back to the escape comittee, I wasnt thinking of digging any tunnels - more like driving to an airport and heading for sun, sand and blue water. No phones allowed everyone- you know it will only be the same question 100 times in a day so I think when we escape we should side step that.
Thankyou to everyone who has replied, at least I dont feel so alone now - or so guilty that I still cant stand her!.
Everything I do for her is for two reasons - if I didnt my husband would be caring for her alone, and he has a stressful job, which is enough on its own, without constantly having to sort out details such as his mother has emptied the contents of her weekly medication box down the loo again. And also because I feel I have to, because the others in the family couldnt care less. This is the strange thing, I dont like her, and I certainly dont love her, but I feel a duty to care for her, it makes no sense but thats how it is.
Anyway...back to the escape comittee, I wasnt thinking of digging any tunnels - more like driving to an airport and heading for sun, sand and blue water. No phones allowed everyone- you know it will only be the same question 100 times in a day so I think when we escape we should side step that.
Susan; perhaps you are my long-lost sister since these adjectives and feelings describe me and my mother to a t!
I am in exactly the same situation. Sisters do nothing on a committment level and that's what's needed - committment. As they do not input then they are not there to share the emotional burden as unless you are 'doing' regularly you do not experience it as we all know!
Carrie; Clearly you are not alone. Try not to feel guilty though as I don't think it is actually an appropriate emotion. The reason you did not like her must in some part, be down to her behaviour towards you. You could not control that. Perhaps it is more a sadness and frustration as that is now what I feel having come through the time of believing it to be guilt but then recognising it isn't. PM me if you like.
I do not think you should put this stress on yourself, even for your husband.
I did what I could for my MIL. Hubby took meal's round each evening. We had her for sunday lunch every other week, it was all I could stomach That sound's terrible but you know what, I do not feel guilty)
But if you do not like someone, do not feel guilty. My MIL never liked me. And, many a time tried to split us.
If this is going to put a strain on your marriage, talk to your hubby, get him to get the other's involved.
I wish you luck X
Barb
I did what I could for my MIL. Hubby took meal's round each evening. We had her for sunday lunch
every other week, it was all I could stomach That sound's terrible but you know what, I do not feel guilty)But if you do not like someone, do not feel guilty. My MIL never liked me. And, many a time tried to split us.
If this is going to put a strain on your marriage, talk to your hubby, get him to get the other's involved.
I wish you luck X
Barb
If they are getting your MIL to draw cash out, that's a big problem in my eyes. Would a family meeting help in any way? If only one sibling is taking money, all siblings should be aware of it ahead of time and agree to it. I mean. times are tough and maybe a loan would be in order. But I would have things documented properly so there wouldn't be any doubts about what was done.
Does anyone have EPA or LPA? Not sure of the terms in the UK. I mean power of attorney for both financial and physical care matters. I would get one sorted out as quickly as possible, if it hasn't already been done.
Does anyone have EPA or LPA? Not sure of the terms in the UK. I mean power of attorney for both financial and physical care matters. I would get one sorted out as quickly as possible, if it hasn't already been done.
I dont think that's acceptable. You're doing the work so they can benefit. It's one thing to Care for someone because you want to or in some cases have to but if there's money available and you dont want to do it then that must be something that has to be considered.
I agree here, and found out recently that anyone can raise concerns that a POA agreement is being abused and request that it be audited....
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