1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.
  1. Per

    Per Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    16
    St Helens, Merseyside
    Hi, My wife is just 65 and in the middle stage of AD. We have always got on well and had an active love life. Although she is very pleasant all the time she is not interested any more in having a cuddle. I don't want to pester her but it is many months since we had any fun at all. I think it is time I did something or this part of our life will disappear for ever.
    Best Wishes
    Per
     
  2. Noone

    Noone Registered User

    Mar 12, 2007
    36
    Surrey
    Gosh, I feel for you. This must be hard for you to cope with.
    But if your wife doesnt want to, then you shouldnt force her to. You need to speak with her and find out where she wants the relationship to go from here, but be gentle and try not to be accusing, and dont dwell on the past too much.

    I see this happening with the lady I care for, when her partner cuddles her, she stiffens up and refuses to hug him, but after a bit of quality time together, this often changes.

    Its a tough one to answer, perhaps someone else with more experience with AD would be able to offer you some solid advice.
     
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Per,
    This must be so difficult for you - it is so hard when the person that we love does not want to show physical warmth - your only consolation is to accept that this is a result of the illness - little consolation I know. I hope others will soon be able to give you more support than I am able.
    Love Helen
     
  4. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Per,

    yes, it is another one of the awful things about this whole mess. I've been there and passed through it.

    Unfortunately, if your partner gets to the stage they don't want to be touched at all, cuddles, etc, then you have to go with it.

    This seems to me to be one of the really difficult things for those afflicted by young onset dementia - though I don't mind betting that there will be some who are much older on TP who would say - "no different for us!"

    You have to reduce your expectations. Holding hands takes on a whole new meaning when that is all you have left. A slight pressure from your partner can be as welcome as a full blooded clinch in earlier times.

    It just takes time to adjust.

    Try looking at it from her side. What her perceptions may be.

    Almost certainly you are over-estimating what she can comprehend - we all do that, in hope.

    Coming to the realisation that some things are now relegated to the past, forever, is so very difficult.

    Good luck
     
  5. Per

    Per Registered User

    Apr 16, 2006
    16
    St Helens, Merseyside
    Thankyou for the good advice

    It's a bleak experience all round but we are still great pals. The OT visitor asked us if we were always joking around as much as we were when she was here and we said yes. We went down Blundellsands Prom today in very nice weather - no chance of getting her into the sandhills though! - the wheelchair would not take it! Thanks for your careful advice. Per
     
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland

    -- and even some older women!!
     
  7. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    and I was being so gender neutral. shame on you! ;)
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Oops, sorry Sir. Just thought the thread was very 'masculine'. :rolleyes:
     
  9. bel

    bel Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    757
    coventry
    not quite the same but is a problem i am having

    dear per
    i so feel for you
    it might not be of any use we have been married for 37 years like you an active love life but these last few years a cuddle ---once a week is all we manage
    it does not matter to me with all that i am loosing re hubby
    i find it hard now once a week to have a cuddle --hubby needs looking after as a child all week then i am to be his wife for a cuddle ---so hard --it must be the same for you
    the way i see it and i am probably wrong
    as long as i can hold his hand cuddle him talk a bit of normal conversation its the best i can get
    i hope for the best for you
    there are a lot more on tp better than me they am sure will help
    love belx
     

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