Any ideas

[lemondrop12]

Hi

I’m new to this site and just wonder if anyone has experienced what I am

my 80 year old mum has started wearing heels and make up and has been on free dating sites but she now has said she is going to another part of the country to spend time with a man who is in his thirties and said he is gay and he is sending her expensive gifts and I’m confused and scared about the whole situation she says she’s met him and he now has given her keys to his home??

 

[Kevinl]

Hello and welcome,. All sounds a bit worrying, is there any chance you or a family member could go with her or offer to take her to the meeting?
Although she's 80 that doesn't mean she lacks capacity, my mum was older than that and helped with the care for my wife who got early onset AZ. K

 

[canary]

Hello @lemondrop12
Are you sure that this story is true?
Many people with dementia "time shift", think it is many years earlier than it actually is and think that they are young and carefree again.

Have you come across "confabulation" before? It is when the subconscious mind fills in the gaps in their memory with false memories that to them seem like the real thing. Im wondering whether your mum is getting confabulations so that parts of the story is true, but parts of it are not.

Im mostly worried that she is becoming a victim of a romance scam, so that she has "met" someone online who has showered her with compliments and perhaps sent expensive gifts to trap her - this is apparently how the scam works and then he starts requesting money to be sent to him. But the bit about having met him in real life and him having given her the keys to his house sounds like confabulation.

Would she be capable of organising and doing that journey by herself? Even if she were, I think it would be best if someone went with her as (like you) I think there is great potential for it all to go horribly wrong

 

[Banjomansmate]

Do you think she is actually capable of doing these things? When has she had the opportunity to meet this man? If he’s gay what does she expect to get out of the trip? Have you asked her?
Maybe you should mention that there have been many publicised scams in the newspapers and you are worried for her safety!

 

[lemondrop12]

Do you think she is actually capable of doing these things? When has she had the opportunity to meet this man? If he’s gay what does she expect to get out of the trip? Have you asked her?
Maybe you should mention that there have been many publicised scams in the newspapers and you are worried for her safety!

Thank you all so much for taking time to talk to me .. your advice is much appreciated. I absolutely have no idea what this younger 30 year old gay man would want but my mum told my daughter her granddaughter that he has lost his aunt and was looking for an aunt figure so this just gets worse !! We often talk about scams and she seems very on par with life and I’m not sure if this is a type of dementia as over past few months she has changed as I say trying to look younger spending thousands !! And then joining dating sites where this person has found her. Conflagration is new to me and I will research this as it’s possible that this could be part he sent her flowers and a computer ???? I’m unsure how to react to her

 

[canary]

he sent her flowers and a computer ????

Id get that computer checked out in case there is malware on it that can steal her details.

 

[Sarasa]

My mum in her eighties appeared very together, had an active social life and often went on holidays abroad. After one such holiday she told me how kind the tour rep had been. Great, until he suddenly morphed into the love of her life. Her stories of their great romance went on for years and the family got very fed up of hearing the name Mario.
At the time I didn’t twig that this was the start of dementia but as other symptoms appeared I realised it was all part of the same thing. By the time was she was in her nineties and in a care home she’d more or less forgotten him. The last mention was when she wondered what would have happen she’d left for a life in Italy with him and had his babies. The guy appears to have been totally honourable by the way and certainly made no attempt to contact her after the holiday.
I think I’d keep an eye out over what’s happening. Maybe express an interest in what he looks like and try and find the links on her computer.

 

[lemondrop12]

Thank you hearing other people’s stories helps me try and process this huge shift - I feel torn as she seems on the surface very together and independent but I’m so shocked at the thought of her going to this man’s flat for 4 days ??? Why would a man you meet online give you a watch send roses tell you he is gay? I suppose dementia can be a cruel creeping up descent. I knew nothing about this person until she emailed me to say that’s where she was going.

 

[lemondrop12]

Id get that computer checked out in case there is malware on it that can steal her details.

Yes !! She told me it was new but I did not see the box

 

[lemondrop12]

Hello @lemondrop12
Are you sure that this story is true?
Many people with dementia "time shift", think it is many years earlier than it actually is and think that they are young and carefree again.

Have you come across "confabulation" before? It is when the subconscious mind fills in the gaps in their memory with false memories that to them seem like the real thing. Im wondering whether your mum is getting confabulations so that parts of the story is true, but parts of it are not.

Im mostly worried that she is becoming a victim of a romance scam, so that she has "met" someone online who has showered her with compliments and perhaps sent expensive gifts to trap her - this is apparently how the scam works and then he starts requesting money to be sent to him. But the bit about having met him in real life and him having given her the keys to his house sounds like confabulation.

Would she be capable of organising and doing that journey by herself? Even if she were, I think it would be best if someone went with her as (like you) I think there is great potential for it all to go horribly wrong

Thankyou - I did wonder about the keys ? He lives a 2 hour drive away she said she has met him twice and he is picking her up why would a man she met on an online dating site half her age want to give her all these gifts and is gay !im totally at a loss to why she doesn’t think it’s odd she’s acting fiercely independent I have not spoken to her about it only found out today but my daughter has called her. We have this persons address at least I hope it’s his address

 

[Collywobbles]

Thankyou - I did wonder about the keys ? He lives a 2 hour drive away she said she has met him twice and he is picking her up why would a man she met on an online dating site half her age want to give her all these gifts and is gay !im totally at a loss to why she doesn’t think it’s odd she’s acting fiercely independent I have not spoken to her about it only found out today but my daughter has called her. We have this persons address at least I hope it’s his address

Can you quietly slip an Apple iTag into her handbag without her noticing? Then at least you’d be able to track her and you’d know for sure where she was.

It seems sly, but that works really well for my sister-in-law’s mother. She often has to be ‘retrieved’ by one of her daughters, when she’s been seen wandering around a particular car park for a while. She never knows why she’s there and hasn’t driven in years.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and you’d not be tracking her for any reason other than keeping her safe.