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Anger

Artist80

New member
Jul 1, 2018
1
My husband has mixed dementia. He's always had a slightly volatile nature, but had always been a very loving partner. He was diagnosed with mixed dementia about 4 year's ago. Just lately it seems I've only to say some not quite right or criticise something and he jumps down my throat like I've said something really awful. With this lockdown and having to stay home it's got so bad. He now ' sulks ' and can barely speak to me such is his anger. He also get so angry with any ' slight' that he perceives from other people. I feel I'm on eggshells. I'm particularly busy at the moment helping make scrubs for NHS , due to vivid 19. And find my self in tears in my sewing room. I'm not coping well at all.
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,270
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
@Artist80 these anger issues seem to be a common feature and I was first seed about them when Psychiatrist first diagnosed my OH. Some days there are non and others, for no apparent reason are a constant and so draining. It took me a long while to stop automatically responding in kind realising, slowly, that it is the dementia not the person that is the author. Stay resolute and safe x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,196
South coast
Oh, the rage stage! Yes, it is just like walking on eggshells. OH constantly thought that my conversation meant that I was "taking him over" "telling him what to think" and "treating him like a child" In retrospect I think he was losing the art of conversation and had lost the ability to see things from anyone elses viewpoint (empathy) so could not conceive the possibility of anyone else having different views - anyone who disagreed with him was trying to make him change his mind. Dont disagree with him at all. I got very good at the neutral phrases like "uh, huh" "well well" and "you dont say?" If you need to tell him something or correct him dont use the word "no" - it was like a red rag to a bull. Instead, start the sentence with "yes" and then say what you need to say - even if you are actually saying no.
OHs rage has now gone, but Im afraid that the conversation has not returned.

PS - welcome to DTP @Artist80
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,103
Kent
Hello @Artist80

My husband was fairly volatile too and when I was out of sight, even if in the house with him but in a different room, I realised he had no idea where I was. This increased his feelings of fear and insecurity which he demonstrated with an outburst.

I felt if I was busy it made my husband feel more inadequate than ever.

You are obviously doing a very important job and I know my comments will not help sort your problem buy at least it might be a reason why this is happening.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
180
does distraction help something he likes eg when i was at the home if they were like that we used to ask if they wanted a cup of tea biscuit pairing socks whatever just to take the heat out of the moment and i learnt not to disagree and like canary said neutral phrases
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
540
It's interesting to read this and the replies from others as I'm in very much the same situation and my partner's anger seems to be getting worse. But what I hate most is that he's so nasty to the carers, he swears at them, tells them to ****off', it's just not the man he was, I never heard him swear before this horrible disease. When I appear he'll be sweetness and light, big smile but immediately be angry if I'm talking to the carer and not to him. I don't know what to do really, I need the carers so I can get other things done but feel it must be so horrible for them trying to deal with him. He was nasty to my daughter when she stayed with us as well - I think he just hates other people coming into our home. It is like walking on egg shells as @canary said, you just never know when you'll say the wrong thing because they've not understood you and in their heads you've said something that they don't like - uuuurrrrgggg. There's also the negativity, my partner will sit with his head down muttering to himself or he'll be talking to himself but always it's complaining.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
180
you know what he was like before and can compare but his carers cant they see him as he is and probably realize its the dementia and robs people of their personality and skills. my husband says something to me harshly and before i used to ask him not to talk to me that way and he would look really hurt he had done and it is the dementia talking. i dont comment any more. it just seems cruel i tell him off for something he no longer understands
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
1,759
Dorset
Experienced carers understand that it is the dementia talking, not the true person. The Banjoman used to swear at the staff in his Care home when they were helping him with anything and I always told him off about it. He did look rather sheepish after my chastising. When I apologised for his behaviour the Manager said that they realised dementia stripped away their inhibitions.
One little old lady spent most of her time telling all and sundry to “F *** off” in as loud a voice as she could manage.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
1,759
Dorset
The Banjoman could also get quite narked if visitors talked with the Care home staff about anything because he thought he should be getting all the attention. Everything revolves around themselves.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
540
The Banjoman could also get quite narked if visitors talked with the Care home staff about anything because he thought he should be getting all the attention. Everything revolves around themselves.
Yes @Banjomansmate everything revolves around them - mine is the same, all attention must be on him, though I've tended to put it down to him being an only child with a lot of attention from his mum and gran and then having a high powered job with assistants and secretaries!! Dementia seems to bring out the worst in their less desirable traits.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
540
My husband has mixed dementia. He's always had a slightly volatile nature, but had always been a very loving partner. He was diagnosed with mixed dementia about 4 year's ago. Just lately it seems I've only to say some not quite right or criticise something and he jumps down my throat like I've said something really awful. With this lockdown and having to stay home it's got so bad. He now ' sulks ' and can barely speak to me such is his anger. He also get so angry with any ' slight' that he perceives from other people. I feel I'm on eggshells. I'm particularly busy at the moment helping make scrubs for NHS , due to vivid 19. And find my self in tears in my sewing room. I'm not coping well at all.
I can sympathise @Artist80 , as I posted above I'm going though the same thing with my partner. You're doing such a valuable job for the NHS. My partner gets bored, no way he would allow me to do anything like you're doing, I can't even get paperwork done, that's why I need carers to come in a couple of times a week just so I can get things done, even just housework and food shopping. Does your husband still watch TV? My partner has no interest in it but I find I can sit him down with his music on and he'll listen to that for a while, seems to make him happy. Hope you can find a solution that helps you through this.
 

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