Anger Fear Guilt Desperation.

[Xoum]

I don’t really know where to start, my dad who lives in France was diagnosed with dementia a year and a half ago. His partner and I knew for a while so we’re relieved to be able to put a label on things. The relief was short lived, as it seems that in the last 8 months things have really started going downhill fast. Repeating himself, getting lost, denial, disorientated, forgetting names, people, places, events, etc...

I unfortunately do not live in France and have not been exposed to his deteriorating state as much as his partner. sadly it has become too much for her, so much so that she has left him. She still cares for him remotely, sorts his bills, is involved with French social carers and sees him regularly. I don’t blame her, I’m sad for him and her, but having seen the way he was treating her and the toll it was taking on her she did what she had to do to stay sane. My dad has not always been the easiest of people, he’s a rather selfish and self centred man who’s always gotten by by charming people and manipulating them. It appears the dementia has stripped him of the ability to hide his selfishness and now it’s almost like he’s become a sort of pure narcissist. Not in a malevolent way, hejust can’t seem to be able to balance things anymore.

I offered his partner to look after him this Christmas, thinking I would offer her a break as she is almost out of resilience, and felt I had a bit left in the tank.

For context I’m a 36 year old man who is also a full time carer for my girlfriend who is sadly dealing with terminal cancer. She’s quite stable but the prognosis is not good, needless to say I’m feeling pretty stressed out. Taking care of dad was a mistake, I can’t seem to be able to react calmly to him anymore. He has become so aggressive, equally I have found myself become very short with him, I’ve never been a patient man but this is destroying me. It’s only been a week and today I lost my cool with him. I was trying to help him sort out some medication and after an hour of patiently trying to help he suddenly turned on me. I’m rather fiery and instead of taking on the chin I erupted and walked out, merry ******* Christmas....

I don’t know what to do, I know he’s not really my dad anymore, I know this but I haven’t accepted it yet. I can’t seem to manage my expectations of him, at times he’s coherent and others he’s just impossible. I love him as my dad but I hate what he has become. I guess I’m just venting on this and not sure there’s much that can be done, I feel so ******* guilty for having got angry at him. I promised myself to be more
Forgiving and patient but I’m struggling, I’m scared of the future and just feel a bit hopeless, what a **** Christmas...

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to DTP @Xoum.
You’ve found the perfect place to vent.

Please don’t beat yourself us as you’re doing the best you can. You may find this thread helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Xoum

Has your dad travelled to stay with you for Christmas? If so disorientation and confusion may be part of the cause of increasingly challenging behaviour.

I have no solution if this is the case but if it is it might help you understand.

 

[Lawson58]

What you are saying about your dad's behaviour is often a topic up for discussion on Talking Point.

You are trying to cope with a couple of huge issues so it is important not to feel guilty about the emotions you are experiencing. You already have realized that his behaviour is a result of his illness and it makes it just that little bit easier to take a step backwards and disengage from the relationship at an emotional level.A little detachment in the form of a super thick skin is helpful but can take a while to develop.

Many people with dementia can become quite manipulative and can work out how to push your buttons. Could I suggest that if you feel that you are starting to feel hot under the collar, find a way of removing yourself from the situation and give yourself time to cool down.

Some people on Talking Point obviously have a lot more patience with their loved ones than I do. I am the feisty kind and I let my husband know early that I am wearing my 'grumpy' hat and I am not in the mood to be messed with. Personally, I don't think bottling up your frustration till you reach breaking point is helpful.

My husband can be quite paranoid at times and after several years of being accused of a very inventive range of sins, I don't take it personally any more. I know that you don't have that time scale at your disposal but I hope that you can manage to battle through your time with your dad.

 

[Xoum]

@Cat27 really helpful list of actions and coping tactics. Going to print it and keep it on me, thank you.

@Grannie G yes the travel has disoriented him for sure. He’s settled a bit this morning and so have I.

I guess the key to this is that the only person that can change their behaviour are those that still can, not the sufferers.

such a sad and pervasive disease...

wish you all a good Christmas,

M.

 

[Sirena]

So sorry to hear about your dad. I think the travelling and Christmas will have been very disorientating for him. People with dementia rely very much on routine and things which are familiar to them. I hope he settles down a bit more while he is with you.

It appears the dementia has stripped him of the ability to hide his selfishness and now it’s almost like he’s become a sort of pure narcissist. Not in a malevolent way, he just can’t seem to be able to balance things anymore.

With dementia one of the first things to disappear is empathy. A PWD (person with dementia) has no interest in how other people feel, or in how their behaviour affects others. They are like very small children in that respect. So that is why he appears to be so selfish - because he is.