. . . And the guilt goes on !

[Ann Mac]

On Wednesday this week, we had eldest daughters graduation. We had a fab day, I am such a proud Mum - but there is no doubt that it was bloody hard work, catering to Mil and her needs, and though I am so glad we were able to pull off having Nan there, for my oldest, if I'm honest, both hubs and I would have had an much less stressful day without her there.

Tonight, youngest daughter is in a show with her theatre group. She has a small solo, and its the last show of the current year. And I have decided that I am not taking Mil

I have a list of reasons why - its a late night, which Mil struggles with, for a start. Mil gets so agitated and demanding whenever there is an 'event', that the run up is completely fraught and not a nice experience for us or her. My closest friend is going with us (her daughter is in the same group, though not in this show) and Mil has - er, lets call them 'issues' - when my friend and I get together. She hates us chatting about anything that doesn't directly involve her, and generally ends up either butting in conversations with increasingly rude remarks, or she 'sulks' and 'huffs'. When we are at home, its OK - my friend is 100% understanding, never takes offence and is never anything other than polite and lovely with Mil - but on this occasion she has paid for tickets to a show that we are both looking forward to seeing - I don't want Mil making it uncomfortable.

And selfishly - I just want to enjoy the evening, without spending the whole time anticipating and reacting to Mils wants and needs.

We've told Mil that tickets are limited and that its my oldest daughters' turn to 'go'. Its a complete lie - but I just didn't know how else to explain without upsetting her.

This morning she 'remembers' that youngest has a 'party' tonight. And she remembers that there is 'no room for her to be invited' And she keeps telling me that its a 'shame' because she would have 'enjoyed it, so much'.

Guilt monster has me firmly in its grip, and I think if I could get her a ticket for an adjoining seat at this late stage, I probably would do - and a bit of me is very glad that there is no ticket available, which makes me feel even worse

 

[rajahh]

we are all not only entitled, but need some very precious " me" time.

Try to relax about it and enjoy.

Jeannette

 

[Sue J]

Are you allowed to take photos at the event?

I know I don't get invited to some of my nieces events, I don't even get told about them now which does hurt, it never used to before because I had more of my own life. I haven't ever and never would expect to be invited to them all, but as my life has changed so much - loss of my ability to work etc. I do focus on their events sometimes as landmarks in time, which I have lost for myself.

I don't think I am as 'awkward' for want of a better word, as you describe your MIL and would not want to 'hamper' their pleasure by being there if I am not up to it, I am able to recognize this still thankfully, but I love to see photos or hear about the things they are doing.

I hope you go and enjoy it, maybe there were no tickets left for a reason?

 

[Pickles53]

On Wednesday this week, we had eldest daughters graduation. We had a fab day, I am such a proud Mum - but there is no doubt that it was bloody hard work, catering to Mil and her needs, and though I am so glad we were able to pull off having Nan there, for my oldest, if I'm honest, both hubs and I would have had an much less stressful day without her there.

Tonight, youngest daughter is in a show with her theatre group. She has a small solo, and its the last show of the current year. And I have decided that I am not taking Mil

I have a list of reasons why - its a late night, which Mil struggles with, for a start. Mil gets so agitated and demanding whenever there is an 'event', that the run up is completely fraught and not a nice experience for us or her. My closest friend is going with us (her daughter is in the same group, though not in this show) and Mil has - er, lets call them 'issues' - when my friend and I get together. She hates us chatting about anything that doesn't directly involve her, and generally ends up either butting in conversations with increasingly rude remarks, or she 'sulks' and 'huffs'. When we are at home, its OK - my friend is 100% understanding, never takes offence and is never anything other than polite and lovely with Mil - but on this occasion she has paid for tickets to a show that we are both looking forward to seeing - I don't want Mil making it uncomfortable.

And selfishly - I just want to enjoy the evening, without spending the whole time anticipating and reacting to Mils wants and needs.

We've told Mil that tickets are limited and that its my oldest daughters' turn to 'go'. Its a complete lie - but I just didn't know how else to explain without upsetting her.

This morning she 'remembers' that youngest has a 'party' tonight. And she remembers that there is 'no room for her to be invited' And she keeps telling me that its a 'shame' because she would have 'enjoyed it, so much'.

Guilt monster has me firmly in its grip, and I think if I could get her a ticket for an adjoining seat at this late stage, I probably would do - and a bit of me is very glad that there is no ticket available, which makes me feel even worse

Take a mallet and hit that guilt monster firmly on the head ( you know, like 'splat the rat' at the funfair- hey, maybe there's an idea for a new computer game?) Your reasoning is 100% right and you have already made a heroic job so that MIL could go to the graduation. I'm sure youngest daughter understands too why it's not a good idea.

You and your daughters are important too. My daughter was a very keen dancer - ballet, tap, jazz, you name it. Some of the most special memories I have are of sitting in the audience or standing in the wings watching her performances. She made me laugh, cheer and even cry (Snow Queen in The Nutcracker). Congratulations to the new graduate as well.

 

[lizzybean]

Ann Mac, told you you would be a very proud Mum didn't I! How could you not be & tonight you will be the same. Enjoy the night you deserve it, ignore the guilt. You have absolutely NO REASON to feel guilty.

 

[Lindy50]

Ann Mac, I do get your reasoning, and if mum lived here I would feel as you do.....but I believe I would be wrong!

You, your friend and your daughter are allowed a special night out together.....in fact, you are allowed time out full stop!!! Knock that guilt monster on the head. You went to great lengths to include Mil in the graduation......now relax!!

Hope you have a great night

Lindy xx

 

[Lindy50]

Are you allowed to take photos at the event?

I know I don't get invited to some of my nieces events, I don't even get told about them now which does hurt, it never used to before because I had more of my own life. I haven't ever and never would expect to be invited to them all, but as my life has changed so much - loss of my ability to work etc. I do focus on their events sometimes as landmarks in time, which I have lost for myself.

I don't think I am as 'awkward' for want of a better word, as you describe your MIL and would not want to 'hamper' their pleasure by being there if I am not up to it, I am able to recognize this still thankfully, but I love to see photos or hear about the things they are doing.

I hope you go and enjoy it, maybe there were no tickets left for a reason?

Sue, I am so touched by your post. I cannot imagine you being 'awkward' as you put it, and your care and consideration shines out from your every post. I hope your family appreciate the wonderful person you are It strikes me they are lucky to have you.

Lindy xx

 

[Pickles53]

Are you allowed to take photos at the event?

Made me think, there was always a video/DVD of all my daughter's shows. Maybe in that way MIL could share in it afterwards?

 

[jugglingmum]

So glad you all managed to get to the graduation.

If MIL had been her predementia self she would have wanted you to enjoy your daughter's dance show for yourself. At her age you never know if this will be the last one. So enjoy it. You are her mum and you are entitled to enjoy it as a mum.

My mum is the opposite to your MIL and partly due to poor hearing she withdrew from going to shows a while ago.

I did mention when I saw her a few weeks ago that I was off to sport's day, and I could see on her face she wished she could come, and predementia she would have enjoyed it far more than I do. But she would have not lasted the 2 hours, let alone the walk, and if I had left before the end my son would have been so disappointed so I didn't take her.

 

[Ann Mac]

Are you allowed to take photos at the event?

I know I don't get invited to some of my nieces events, I don't even get told about them now which does hurt, it never used to before because I had more of my own life. I haven't ever and never would expect to be invited to them all, but as my life has changed so much - loss of my ability to work etc. I do focus on their events sometimes as landmarks in time, which I have lost for myself.

I don't think I am as 'awkward' for want of a better word, as you describe your MIL and would not want to 'hamper' their pleasure by being there if I am not up to it, I am able to recognize this still thankfully, but I love to see photos or hear about the things they are doing.

I hope you go and enjoy it, maybe there were no tickets left for a reason?

Sue, I honestly can't imagine you being awkward, Hun - and its clear, that unlike my poor Mil, you have bucketfulls of consideration for others . Mil just doesn't have that capacity , and I know that isn't her fault - which is why I feel so guilty She used to come to all the kids shows and events, and really love them. But graduation clearly demonstrated that now, she just doesn't 'get' the concept of something/anything not being about her We had a bit of a fuss to deal with because I spent some time taking photographs of my daughter with her closest 3 friends - she was really annoyed that she wasn't asked to be in every single photograph, and boy - did she make it clear that she wasn't happy

The guilt trip has continued all day - she has 'reminded' me twice that she is the Grandmother - and I'm trying hard to fight off the monster - its hard going though

 

[ellejay]

When my great nephew (mums great grandson) got engaged, I would have loved to be able to enjoy the party.

Of course, OH & I were fully employed trying to stop mum from spoiling everyone elses enjoyment, after all, we had to make allowances.......other people didn't.

As you are pretty sure MIL would cause problems with your friend, ( & possibly spoil her enjoyment a little) you are most definitely doing the right thing.

Taking care of MIL shouldn't mean there is nothing left over for you & the rest of your family.

Have a lovely time enjoy a guilt free evening.

Lin x

Oh, and when MIL keeps doing the hints, can you do a metaphorical " La la la , not listening?"

 

[CollegeGirl]

It must be very hard, Ann. But keep reminding yourself that you're doing nothing wrong, and as much as it seems like it, the world doesn't actually revolve around your MiL!

Sometimes other people - such as your daughter and you - are allowed to take priority.

Go and see your daughter in her show, leave the guilt at home, and have a wonderful, MiL-free evening!!

 

[Linbrusco]

I've had to do a similar thing Anne.
My son 17 takes Music at school and plays the drums.
As part of his Music assessment twice a year he has to do a drumming performance.
The first time last year I didn't take Mum(withAlz) and Dad, as it was parents only.
The 2nd time it was extended to family/grandparents, so I asked Mum & Dad if they wanted to go.
Looking after Mum was stressful in itself, and I didn't get to enjoy all the musical performances or concentrate on my son, without Mum asking a million questions.
She commented (loudly) on the boys playing guitars and how long there hair was.
Was it a girl or a boy.. She couldn't tell?
The music was too loud.. And at the end of one boys performance she declared " well I'm glad thats over"
My son has another Musical Performance in two weeks. As my son had told Mum & Dad, I had to outright lie and just tell them that it was for parents only again, as there wasn't enough room, as there were more kids this year.
Sad for Dad because he really does enjoy it.

 

[lizzybean]

How did it go AnnMac, Hope you thoroughly enjoyed a guilt free evening.

 

[Ann Mac]

Thanks everyone - the show was fantastic, songs and dances from a huge range of musicals, with youngest having a small solo in 'Close every door' from Joseph

But apparently, Mil was really bad whilst I was out - she had been simmering all day, not just because of the show, but was also cross at us being busy with some decorating, and apparently because son put football on the telly! And yes, she does have a TV in her room Anyway, we came home to an atmosphere you could cut with a knife, and very frayed tempers!

Feels like you just can't win, no matter what you try to do to have some sort of normality, there is always a price to pay

 

[starryuk]

Ann Mac, I don't know how you stand it. You are a saint!!!!!

 

[lizzybean]

Oh Ann, sorry you came back to an atmosphere but in future when you go out IT IS YOUR TIME & you are to enjoy it as much as you are able. If you come back to **** you deal with it, even if you have to use that stern voice you are cultivating. Don't let it stop you planning to go out, you need breaks.

Take care.

 

[MrsTerryN]

I hope she has forgotten yesterday today Ann. Mind you I know with mum the things I wish she would forget she manages to remember for days