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An old friend has compromised me.

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Bugsbunny4, Dec 2, 2015.

  1. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Today I found myself in a very uncomfortable place.
    My husband is in a care home and as yet hasn't settled very well but it's early days.
    I have family coming for Christmas to stay, and because of that wanted to reorganise the bed configuration in my house.
    A male friend , husband of one Of one of my friends, volunteered to help me with this. He said he was bringing his wife with him.
    However he turned up alone. !!
    After sorting out the beds it all went very scary when he said goodbye.
    He tried to kiss me in a very intimate manner and followed it up by saying he has been in love with me for years. I was lost for words.
    I was shocked that an old friend would take such liberties with me in my own home where I have lived since 1980 with my husband who I love dearly. My husband may have Dementia but I still love him and would never betray him.
    I feel really upset by this incident and don't want to have thus man in my home again even with his wife. He is supposed to be a friend of my husband as well which makes it all so much worse.
    What is the best way to deal with this. ?
     
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,036
    Yorkshire
    What a ....... (supply your own description) :eek:

    I'm so so sorry that a 'good' friend could let himself down so badly - just lost for words.
    I hope to goodness he is kicking himself black and blue

    A lot of distance required methinks, for quite some time, to let the dust settle.

    You have some very good reasons for not being in contact or contactable - Christmas, family, caring for husband - throw yourself into those

    have a glass of your favourite tipple to blur away the rest of the evening - punch a few cushions
     
  3. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    I'm so sorry you were put through this.

    Let's be clear, this man is no friend of yours and no friend of your husband's. I won't say on here what he is.

    As to how to handle this I would send a very strong message to him, perhaps by text or email, to say that you don't wish to have any further contact him, that he has betrayed your friendship and trust. And I would pity him - he clearly doesn't have the relationship with his wife that you have with your husband.
     
  4. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Thank you for your response. You are right of course. Plenty of distance will definitely be in place.
     
  5. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Hi,
    No he clearly doesn't have the kind of relationship I have with my husband and I feel sorry for him really. I also feel upset for his wife, one of my friends !
    What a shame all way round. My husband would be devastated if he knew.
     
  6. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    Poor you - what a horrid experience. My bet is that he wouldn't ever try it again - I really think he will have got the message!
     
  7. cobden28

    cobden28 Registered User

    Jan 31, 2012
    442
    Something very similar happened to my Mum shortly after my stepfather died, in 2004, Mum was then aged 73.

    A neighbour in the cul-de-sac where they lived asked to borrow the set of stepladders that Mum had in the garage; these formerly belonged to my late stepdad, and he'd loaned the stepladders to the neighbour several times when he (my stepdad) was alive. Before my stepdad died, he and this neighbour were on fairly friendly 'neighbourly' terms. When the neighbour - a bachelor the same age as my Mum - returned the stepladders, Mum offered to make the neighbour a cuppa and while she was in the kitchen attending to this the neighbour tried to kiss her and he put his hand up inside her blouse.

    Mum was horrified, got the neighbour off her and very firmly showed him the door - it was many years before Mum and he spoke at all to one another again. Mum reckons that the neighbour must have thought that because Mum's husband had died , she must therefore be desperate for sex - at least that's what Mum told me.
     
  8. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    2,850
    England
    #8 Katrine, Dec 2, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2015
    I am so glad you are not blaming yourself in any way. I am so sorry you had that frightening betrayal of trust. Be very wary of being alone with a man. You are especially vulnerable, and that can attract predators. :(

    My grandmother experienced this after she was widowed. Yes, I know you are definitely not a widow (sorry :eek: ) but to some men you now appear to be single, or at least 'available'. My grandmother said she was groped and had verbal advances of a crude kind made to her by more than one so called close friend, not long after she was widowed. On the first occasion the man stood up and went behind her and groped her breasts, as soon as his wife had left the room to make tea. When the wife returned a few minutes later he behaved in his normal friendly manner, while my grandmother sat there stunned with shock. :eek:

    When she told my mum about it she said she never thought she would be at risk, being a plain faced middle-aged woman. She thought only pretty young women got sexually assaulted. That's because she didn't realise that it is not about attraction, it is about exerting power over a vulnerable person.

    Some men, and no doubt some women, chance their luck if they think they can get away with it. It's a dreadful shock if you have never had this happen before. As others have said, keep your distance from this man, but don't allow him to play any "our little secret" games if you do happen to meet him socially. Speak out if you have to, to prevent him from cornering you again. It wasn't a kiss, it was a physical assault. :(:(
     
  9. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    346
    Essex
    Bugs, I read your post with no small amount of alarm.

    However, I also read some of the responses with alarm too.


    First of all, I agree with a previous poster that you are right in not blaming yourself in any way. This man has behaved in a shocking and unforgivable way. There may well have been reasons for him doing this but that does not excuse what he did. He needs help at the very least. You must certainly make sure that you are never alone in his company again.

    However, you do need to be aware of the possible consequences of HIS reaction to your 'rejection' of him. If he feels you are making things 'public' he may react in a way that embarrasses you and maybe even lay blame at your door. It's shocking, it's wrong and even typing it disgusts me but you need to be aware of what can happen (I speak from experience here, sadly).

    So. Send a message (within a Christmas card perhaps) addressed to both him AND his wife that, due to you finding things difficult now that your dear husband is in the home (you haven't said if he is coming home for Christmas but I assume not) you have decided to 'downsize' this Christmas, you are keeping things strictly family, you hope they are not too disappointed but you feel it is best for you at this time etc etc and that you will be unable to receive visitors outside the family as you will be spending a lot of time visiting your OH. You can send it on the pretence of them not having a wasted journey but it will also, hopefully, send a warning shot across his bows.

    Maybe his actions were misguided and of a lonely man deprived of affection for many years. Experience has taught me that things are rarely what they seem and you never really know what is going on behind closed doors... I am ABSOLUTELY NOT EXCUSING his behaviour, all I am saying is that people do stupid things. He is probably counting on your friendship with his wife to keep his secret. Hopefully common sense may have been restored and he may well be mortified at what he has done. However the fact that he turned up without his wife suggests it may well have been premeditated so best to err on the side of caution and not let him into your house again unaccompanied.

    It might even be prudent to keep a dictaphone near the front door in case he should call again, just to keep a record of any unwelcome visits.

    I would warn against tarring all men with the same brush, however. Some of the posts here suggest that you are now a target for any man with an urge and I find them rather alarmist. Don't assume all males are potential sexual predators. The majority are kind and decent and would be horrified that someone tried to take advantage of you in this repulsive way.

    Obviously it would be a tragedy for you to lose contact with your friend because of this so I would also suggest that future meetings with her are of a 'girls only' genre - a shared beauty salon experience, January sales shopping etc, anything which traditionally excludes men. And organise your own transport so you are not in a position where he 'gives you a lift home' (I've fallen foul of that one too :() until enough time has elapsed for the message to be patently obvious.
     
  10. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    When my dad died Mum had a visit from a work colleague, she answered the door he said hello I'm all dressed up and nowhere to go. Why he thought it was OK to turn up at Mums in women's clothes she didn't know. But she let him in ,he had a coffee and left. He was married and said his wife didn't know . Mum said to us she must have her suspicion when her 70 year old husband shaved his legs.!!It didn't phase mum at all .
     
  11. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,783
    Salford
    It happens to men too, some of my wife's female friends have been very "friendly" to me since her diagnosis and trust me I'm no oil painting.
    K
     
  12. meme

    meme Registered User

    Aug 29, 2011
    1,955
    Female
    London
    Simply don't invite him again....if he makes things awkward then let him know you will tell his wife...then tell her
     
  13. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Thanks everyone

    Well,
    Some of your replies have really surprised me. I am shocked even more than I was to discover that what happened to me clearly isn't unusual. Thank you for all your comments. I guess after 49 years of a very close marriage I forgot just how vulnerable a "single" woman can be. I will certainly be watching my step in future. :)
     
  14. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    I am not so sure. His parting comment was " don't leave it too long" not sure exactly what he meant by that but I wasn't entering into any more dialogue about it.
    For a couple of years my husband seemed to have taken a dislike to this man and stopped wanting to be in his company. I am wondering now if it was because he sensed something, or if there was mistrust in his intentions.
     
  15. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    80
    Yorkshire
    Thank you :)
     
  16. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,520
    Ireland
    Personally, I think your husband's instincts were telling him something - or would he have been out socially with the man without the wives along? He may have seen something that turned him off this man and made him wary.

    Whatever, tbh, I think you'd be wisest to put a bit of distance between you, and certainly never be alone in a room with him for a moment. Girly meet-ups with his wife if she's a good friend are the way to go.
     
  17. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    520
    Scotland
    I must say, my first thought was "tell his wife". Maybe he has done this before! Maybe she has had suspicions. Maybe he was playing on your loyalty to his wife so that you would not mention his behaviour.

    Unfortunately it could end your friendship with her but if there is a risk of this happening again (his comment "don't leave it too long" :mad:) wouldn't it be better to talk about it now rather than later.

    I'd say, go with your husband's instinct towards this man - don't trust him!
     
  18. Katrine

    Katrine Registered User

    Jan 20, 2011
    2,850
    England
    We were right to warn you then. "Don't leave it too long.... to get back in the saddle" would be my interpretation. :eek: :mad:
     
  19. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,584
    Kent
    IT sounds to me the end of two friendships.
     
  20. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    1,955
    I hope not, Grannie G.

    Bugsbunny and this man's poor wife need all their friends.
     
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