Am I over-thinking

[Lakeland67]

Hi, this is quite a long post that I have debated posting for a while, it has taken me quite a few days to write. First a brief explanation of mine and my husbands situation. I must say we have been separated for 20 years, we’re not married but have always been close having two children and six grandchildren. He was diagnosed last October with mixed dementia (Alzheimer and Vascular), he is 62 year old. I am lasting power of attorney for finance and health and at some point in the future I will move back into the family home to care for him which is what both of us want. Now for the next bit, he has a partner who has been living with him for about 18 months, when she moved in the agreement was rather than paying towards bills she would cook/clean and buy the food, they both worked full time and his words were he felt sorry for her as she had no money!!!!! All of that was none of my business at the time but he chose to tell me. Fast forward to October 23 with his diagnosis, his memory and effects of this cruel disease have happened very quickly, he has no job now and only income from this April is standard rate pip, he is still paying all the bills and although I make sure he has enough money to cover bills which he has asked me to do, he is still in control of his spending. I have noticed he is spending a lot in supermarkets for food and when I question him he says that his ‘partner’ pays for food!!! When he lost his job and we started looking at what help in benefits he could get (never claimed in his life, always worked and for 10 years had our own business), his partner told me I could only apply for pip, he had too much savings for anything else as means tested (he does have savings) but she also said I care for him and not her and that she should not be down as his partner but his lodger!!! There have been instances where she has been controlling, times when he has forgot to hang the phone up on me and she has screamed at him because he shouldn’t be speaking to me, times in meetings with memory/ mental health team she has told lies, playing with his mind (I have started writing everything down). If I put everything down in this thread this would be a book. I am not a prejudice person nor am I a jealous ex (we’re past that) but she is not an English person and her English is not brilliant (when they first met they used laptop translation). I just need to know who I can go to with all my concerns, apparently now they are changing his partners hours at work and she refuses to change them so will be out of a job/redundant. She knows how much savings he has, these will dwindle, if I mention to him about her paying towards bills he gets defensive about her then on the other hand he asks me to come home then he has forgotten what he has said. I am at my wits end with worry. I really trust my gut instinct in that she is financially/ mentally abusing him but what do I do when he still has something there in his head???

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Lakeland67 there's quite a lot to 'un-pick' from your message as the situation seems quite a difficult one but here are some thoughts, others may be along with other suggestions too.

It's not clear if your ex-partner is your husband - you have referred to him as your husband but then say that you have been separated for 20 years and are not married? Although you have both agreed that you will move back to the family home at some stage to care for him, how would that work if his new partner is still living there when you move back? Has this been talked through with him?

Although your husband was diagnosed last October, a diagnosis doesn't automatically mean that the person has lost mental capacity. Although you hold Financial LPA you say that he is still managing his own finances. Dependent on the wording of the LPA you may be able to assist him with his finances with his consent, otherwise the LPA can not be used until he is deemed to have lost capacity to manage his finances himself. Likewise, the Health & Welfare LPA can only be used when he is unable to make and understand decisions about health/welfare.

If your husband is currently able to decide for himself how to spend his money, even if you feel that he is spending it unwisely, then there is not much that you can do. It's understandable that you are concerned about your husband, and if you believe that his new partner is financially and mentally abusing him, and have evidence to support this, then you can contact his local authority safeguarding team to let them know and they can then consider investigating the situation. It might be a good idea for you to step back a bit from the situation for a while too. If it would help, you could talk things through with the Dementia Support Helpine, they are open from 10am to 4pm at weekends:

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk