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Am I deluded?

Billy's Girl

Registered User
Oct 8, 2013
West Yorkshire
My husband has been in a care home for 8 months and I visit most days. He has had a few knock backs resulting in hospital admissions but is now settled. He is mostly bed bound and looks very comfortable, although I do worry about him laying with the tv on most of the day. I asked him if he was happy last week to which he replied 'yes I think so'. Some days they use the hoist and he goes to the day room, but he does not like hoisting. He has been saying all weird and wonderful things when I go, and I have found the best way is to go into his world with him. This seems to work. However recently I have had days when he has not done that as much and has been commenting on what is on TV. He even asks me yesterday how old I am. He also never forgets my name, am I deluded thinking this is a sign of him improving. He did have an official diagnosis over two years ago following scans. I then start feeling perhaps I should bring him home although he is doubly incontinent, cannot feed himself, or even walk. Has anyone else experienced this improvement. It is not as if he recognises people on TV, he sometimes does not say the weird things lately, for example of weird - this place is so big, it is full of tunnels and there are drops of about a hundred feet in places! His memory though is quite bad. He cannot remember at teatime if he had lunch of if anyone was there two hours earlier.


Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
Hiya Billy's Girl.

I've heard a lot of what you've mentioned, not all of it, but a lot. There's no improvement because of the strange things he's still reporting, like the 100 foot drops. Plus, double incontinence would have to be addressed by yourself, like getting the appropriate wearables, (pads or pull-ups), and it takes some weeks to put that into action.

Think, if it was me, I'd stick the the care already being offered, for the sake of putting away as much stress as possible.

I know you want to care. That's a beautiful thing. But caring and carrying a heavy load yourself are two very different things. Only you can know what you can cope with, so who am I to tell you? But I really would leave the care as is, if it were me.


Registered User
May 21, 2014
I cannot quite see the improvements you mention but if he seems happier, that might have to do with the fact he's in a care home where he is looked after 24/7, something you cannot do at home, especially if someone is bed bound and needs hoisting. Some people make the mistake of confusing a care home with a place to convalesce. "He seems better now, let's take him home." That's not how it works. Dementia is a progressive disease. If he is happy at the care home, let them look after him, it's their job. It's a blessing that he has settled - some people wait a long time for this to happen. If you take him out now you'll only confuse him again and make life more difficult and stressful for yourself.
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Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
Hello Billys girl l agree with what chuggs and Beate have just said, l have a friend whose hubby went into care she thought he had improved and took him home,, after 2 days she couldn't cope he was far worse than before, l don't think it would be a good idea to take him home, l know it must be very hard for you,

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello Billy`s Girl

I agree with Beate, your husband may seem better because he is more contented and happier in himself. Well done to you for finding a care home which suits him well.

My husband was very unhappy when I cared for him 24/7, mainly because I was exhausted and not able to meet his needs. Once he was used to the care home, which was excellent, he became so much more contented it was a pleasure to be with him. I too wondered if I`d made the decision for residential care too early but my husband had lost his mobility and my house was too small for hoists and hospital beds.

I don’t think anyone can expect a solid improvement with dementia but I do believe people can have good days and bad days.

Just enjoy the good days.


Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
My husband was diagnosed nearly 10 years ago with Alzheimer's and has been in a nursing home for coming up to 3 years. He is he same as your husband though he does not mind being hoisted. I go every day, some days he says nothing, some days he will talk constantly but the words are all jumbled and make no sense. Some days he is very clear with his speech and talks about just about everything, none of it true but very clear.

Like you I go into his world and I am glad to hear he has been out for a drive, has laid three patios and rewired a couple of houses, he always was a fast worker:):):)

He will always produce a smile even if he says nothing and the carers are very attentive. I can leave the nursing home and his world and come home to my world. You know, there are some days when I think his world is a lot nicer than ours.

Just keep visiting, watching everything is as it should be and enjoying quality time with your husband. Far better to have a little quality time with him and making sure he is ok than running yourself ragged, not coping and then loosing sight of your aim of looking after him.

Take care,


Billy's Girl

Registered User
Oct 8, 2013
West Yorkshire
Thank you for your valued comments

I appreciate all your replies and have given much thought to our situation. Yes, he is far better where he is. I have now told myself what the true situation is, unfortunately my husband won't be getting better and I have to accept it. Like many others have said, this website is invaluable to us.


Registered User
May 23, 2014
Billy's Girl - it is the most appalling guilt trip. I too often thought I could bring my husband home from his Nursing Home but every time he suffered yet another chest or urinary tract infection or a bout of paranoia and delusions I was just so relieved he was in a situation with trained people to care for him. I visited every day doing more for him as the months passed in the way of personal care which gave me pleasure and a feeling of closeness to him still. I hated returning home but knew that way I could build up strength for whatever the next day's visit would offer. You have made the right decision - enjoy your time with your husband but have some peace and quiet for yourself. Be strong - loving thoughts WIFE


Registered User
May 10, 2010
Hello Billy's Girl, I was going to write but those who already have said it all very well. I can identify with much that has been said.

I think many of us on good visits have wondered if our husband has gone into a care home too soon, I certainly did and for a long time considered bringing him home. But I now know that it would have been a disaster for each of us.

I’m glad your husband is so settled, and that you continue to have quality time with him.

Lots of good advice here as well as understanding and empathy. Keep on writing and let us know how things are with you both.
Loo x


Registered User
Oct 13, 2013
North Somerset
Can only agree with what others have written. Despite the guilt, we have all had to accept that our loved ones are better off with professional carers, provided they are in the right homes. As I have written on many posts, it is so lovely to have my OH greet me with a smile rather than as his worst enemy, which I had become when he was at home. No, I don't like the fact that he is there and never will, but have come to realise that what is best for him isn't what I would like for me.