Am I a fit carer anymore??

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by exhausted 2015, Nov 9, 2015.

  1. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    My husband and I have looked after my dad 24/7 for the past 7 1/2 years with no holidays or breaks until this year after he had a spontaneous hip fracture and also a long suspected diagnosis of mixed dementia these past 6 months have been sheer hell as dad does not sleep and is incontinent, we are so tired tonight as last night he was out of bed every 10 minutes and that's no exaggeration and today his incontinence has been awful, on cleaning him up again earlier I told my husband I could not do this anymore and I feel bad now but I really do feel this way, I don't want to let dad down has he relies on me to get him through his day and I love him dearly I have respite booked for the 5th of December I can only hope that I can carry on until then because I dread facing defeat and have to place him in permanent care am I still fit to call myself a carer because of how I am feeling.. Am I just truly Exhausted and feeling down
    Thanks for reading at a low ebb today xx
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,302
    Female
    South coast
    What do you mean, are you a fit carer??!!!!
    You have been looking after your dad 24/7 for 7 1/2 years!!! I think I would have cracked years ago!!!

    Seriously, though there is no shame in asking for respite. However much we love them it is almost impossible to do everything with no help. No wonder that you are exhausted. You need a rest to try and lift your head above the daily grind. I would guess that you would benefit from carers coming in to help you with his personal care.
     
  3. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    See how the respite goes. Your dad may love it. I always felt with mum we kept her at home too long. Once she went into care her life,outlook and social life improved .She loved it, and to be honest so did we, altogether we enjoyed each other more.
     
  4. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    Hi thank you I do have a carer in once a day to help dad to get washed and dressed we then do the rest ourselves, sorry I'm just extremely down today and suppose in need of some support and where better than here xxx
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,302
    Female
    South coast
    It sounds like you could do with more help than this and have carers coming in more often. If your dad gets to the stage of needing permanent residential care, please, please dont feel guilty - you will still be a carer, just different.
    I hope you can get a good rest while he is in respite.
    xx
     
  6. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    Hi exhausted2015.
    My dad is much in the same situation as yours and I have felt at the end of my tether too. I have arranged to hand over care to other family members in April next year and I have very mixed feelings about it. Personally, I wouldn't see permanent care as a defeat, I'd see it as a good outcome for Dad in lots of ways. The main issues being the disturbed sleep - staff are on around the clock - and the incontinence - they are trained and paid and used to dealing with it. As long as it was a good home, I'd feel liberated to develop the relationship on a more dignified and less basic level. I know I am talking hypothetically and the reality would probably be very different, but.......I'd just not think of it as a defeat, more a next step. xx
     
  7. Louby65

    Louby65 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    620
    Scotland
    Dear exhausted 2015. You have been a wonderful carer to your dad . I know only too well how emotionally and physically draining it can be but this thread is not about me . It's about equipping yourself to continue looking after your father , if that's what you choose . By no means have you failed him by perhaps asking for more help. I don't know if you have thought of applying for your father to be assessed for direct payments , which will enable you to employ carers / personal assistant . I have recently been awarded it and although I had already employed a personal carer , it ensures that I can continue paying for this service without using my savings . This wonderful woman has brought so much to my mum and I . You deserve to have some time to yourselves while your father is looked after by someone trusting and caring . It's certainly worth thinking about . Please ask for help , as you need to look after yourself too. Best wishes. Lou
     
  8. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Can only agree with canary. Sounds like the sleeping pill is not helping. To have sleepless nights and incontinence would definitely exhaust anyone, one of these is just about manageable. So hoping that things change for you soon and that when that respite time comes you rest.
     
  9. DMac

    DMac Registered User

    Jul 18, 2015
    537
    Female
    Surrey, UK
    Exhausted, you are truly at a crisis point. You really, really must seek help. Tomorrow. Please don't put it off. Speak to your GP, contact social services, whatever. Tell them you absolutely cannot continue another day like this. If you go under because of all the strain, you won't be able to care for your dad and he will suffer too. That is in nobody's best interests. Take care of yourself - you matter, too. xx
     
  10. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    I agree with DMac, Exhausted. There is only so much a person can do. You sound absolutely ground down with everything, and that is no way to be. I'm sure your dad would be horrified if he could understand just how you're feeling. You've done a wonderful job for years; you deserve a life of your own, now.

    If you feel that you don't want to do this any more, or can't do this any more, then you don't have to do this any more. Please contact someone and get the ball rolling.

    Your life is just as important as your dad's; I really do feel quite strongly that one shouldn't be sacrified for the other.

    xx
     
  11. Risa

    Risa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2015
    483
    Essex
    Exhausted, please don't feel defeated. Taking care of someone for so long will take its toll and it is in no way a failure to say I can't continue anymore. Be kind to yourself. You have looked after your Dad very well and if he is moved to permanent care, you are still his carer, just in a different way that allows you to look after your health and well-being.
     
  12. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,390
    Yorkshire
    Read your post, exhausted 2015, as though it had been written by someone else.
    How would you respond?
    'let down' 'defeat' 'fit carer'
    don't be daft, lass
    you have cared above and way beyond - you always will, that's just the way you are (from what I've read in your posts)
    time to give yourself and your dad a break - don't leave it until you have no choice - that will distress you so much more
    others are right, you know they are - get more home help in NOW, but they won't be able to help with the nights - so, even better call for emergency respite
    your dad deserves you to be well in body and mind so that you can continue to care for him - others can do the 'chores' of caring, you're the only one who can be his loving daughter
    read your post again; it's
     
  13. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    you need a break, or you get carers meltdown
     
  14. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    A huge thank you to you all for your support

    Just wanted to thank everyone for their support I was having a bad day yesterday and was so down in the dumps.. Dad slept better last night we had 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep so feeling like a spring chicken today lol and my mood has lifted.. If we can we are going to battle on until the respite week and then see how things go afterwards
    Oh by the way someone mentioned about the Zimovane.. Just to add no they didn't work.. Got a memory clinic appointment on Friday so will see if they can suggest something else.. I'm forever hopeful lol
    Thanks again god bless you all xxx
     
  15. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Absolutely stay hopeful, keep on at gp, there must be something out there to help. Pleased to read you got 5 hours uninterrupted sleep, fingers crossed for the same tonight, but maybe a feet up session this afternoon, just in case.
     
  16. exhausted 2015

    exhausted 2015 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2015
    624
    Female
    stoke on trent
    Thanks tin xxx hope your problems get sorted soon xx don't really know what to say about your labby I'm a dog owner too so I know how attached we get to our dogs xx
     

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