Always right

[Wifey1]

I really am going up the wall about this, husband lies and makes things up to prove he is always right and I am wrong all the time. Accuses me of thinking that I think I know everything. I know that this happens with Alzheimer's, but it doesn't seem right to always agree with the unreasonable things he says and does. I am so tempted to just let him get on with it, wear weird clothes, never change underwear, never have a shower, go out exactly when he wants, go to appointments 2 hours early.... It goes on and on.
He wants me to help him make a cup of tea, then says I am always telling him what to do. I know this is the same for many people but I feel abused for doing my best.

 

[Wifey1]

Where has he gone, the man I love.

 

[2ndAlto]

Oh Wifey1, I can feel your exasperation and exhaustion. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice. I'm always tempted to say "whatever" as the kids used to and these days I'm often tempted to use more anglo saxon words. All I can do is send you hugs xx

 

[Wifey1]

I have re read what I said, and of course it is not his fault it really isn't. I must be the one who manages this situation. I'm lucky to have a fully functioning brain and he doesn't. In his world he actually is right I'm sure and this is why he gets upset and annoyed.

 

[Wifey1]

We went to a dementia cafe, and he said.... How soon can you get me out of here!!!

 

[2ndAlto]

I found reading this https://www.alzsd.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/COMMUNICATION-Compassionate-Communication.pdf to be helpful

 

[canary]

Oh I so recognise all of this. He really does believe the "lies" (actually confabulations - ie false memories) that he tells you. Yes, you cant argue or try to reason with him because he is certain that he is right and it will just anger him. I used to just make neutral noises in reply. Some of the things mum and OH have said were so outrageous that in retrospect they are quite funny (although not always at the time)

Where has he gone, the man I love.

This is the crux of the matter, isnt it?

 

[Pollywobble]

Where has he gone, the man I love.

Oh yes, I totally emphasise. I had just said those exact words to my daughter! Oh isn't it hard? I've tried all the advice and my man still persists. Yet, like you, I get why and it's still so hard. Sending you hugs, rather than answers, but wanted you to know that you've helped ME as I was talking about the same reactions. Good luck...you are not alone.

 

[Silversally]

I found reading this https://www.alzsd.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/COMMUNICATION-Compassionate-Communication.pdf to be helpful.

 

[Silversally]

I found reading this https://www.alzsd.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/COMMUNICATION-Compassionate-Communication.pdf to be helpful

Thank you, 2ndAlto, Sadly, I think I have done all the “Dont’s” in the past few days. Feeling so resentful recently, as he has not been the kindest partner before getting ill.

 

[canary]

Feeling so resentful recently, as he has not been the kindest partner before getting ill.

Was he always like that, or did it only start a few years ago?
Sometimes personality changes are one of the first symptoms, but they can be overlooked by family who think they have turned into what the Americans call a jerk (and we brits have much ruder names for)

 

[Cardinal]

We’re all told to just agree with our PWD but sometimes the things they say and believe are so bizarre it’s impossible to agree. The other day my husband insisted that when our neighbor’s spouse died he helped hem the dead man’s pants by holding up the dead body while the man’s wife hemmed the pants. I know I should have agreed but instead I pointed out all the flaws in his story. This just made him mad.

Afterwards I thought it must have been very scary for him to, in his head, know something is real but have no one believe him.

We’re not saints we’re just people doing the best that we can.

 

[Silversally]

Was he always like that, or did it only start a few years ago?
Sometimes personality changes are one of the first symptoms, but they can be overlooked by family who think they have turned into what the Americans call a jerk (and we brits have much ruder names for)

I am finding that incidents from many years ago when our daughter was small (she is now 40) are now popping up in my head. At the time I just let them pass but now having to be strong for him has made me wonder why I was so weak then!

 

[Badbec]

I don’t think people realise just how hard it is to manage the ”Sun downing “ & the mood swings, the shouting & all the things that can’t be unsaid. My loving, gentle husband is slowly, slowly, disappearing & it breaks my heart .

 

[leny connery]

I really am going up the wall about this, husband lies and makes things up to prove he is always right and I am wrong all the time. Accuses me of thinking that I think I know everything. I know that this happens with Alzheimer's, but it doesn't seem right to always agree with the unreasonable things he says and does. I am so tempted to just let him get on with it, wear weird clothes, never change underwear, never have a shower, go out exactly when he wants, go to appointments 2 hours early.... It goes on and on.
He wants me to help him make a cup of tea, then says I am always telling him what to do. I know this is the same for many people but I feel abused for doing my best.

 

[leny connery]

So sorry to read your situation. I understand PWD never admitting wrong doing. we are all told to just not try to answer/argue, just go along with their reality. But it is so unfair some days when all we do is based on their needs, minus some 'respite' here and there

 

[Wifey1]

So sorry to read your situation. I understand PWD never admitting wrong doing. we are all told to just not try to answer/argue, just go along with their reality. But it is so unfair some days when all we do is based on their needs, minus some 'respite' here and there

Worse for us than them in many ways