Feel alone
Mum, many years from dementia diagnosis, 12 years, but probably suffered longer. Due to behaviour, especially during the night when she refused to go to bed and was hostile and aggressive – for a long time – we were exhausted, as she lived in our home – went into EMI nursing care almost a year ago. Services to help at home were ineffective or non-existent, and it was only in desperation that we placed her into care.
Her demeanour has not improved since going into care. Her moods are still volatile and very changeable. She began to lose weight form the minute she went into care, refusing to eat or drink. The Home said that this was a consequence of the disease process. I agree that this could be the case, but for the fact that it all coincided with admission to a home. She enjoyed her meals, eatne normally at the table up until she left. My mum would never have wanted to be there. Weight has continued to drop off her, though she has now started to eat again, albeit a soft diet, but body mass is being lost and she looks skeletal.
Confusion is much worse and again I am told that this is the face of dementia. I know that. But niggling away in the background is the fact that she would never have chosen to go there; that all she ever wanted was to be with us. I think it would have continued on its slow course, that she would still be eating as well as she used to eat …and I have caused her downward spiral which has happened since admission. That her continued distress is down to decisions taken on her behalf.
I am trying to be what my family wants me to be – free and with more time to do what I want to do. I have given them more time to follow their dreams, and not be constantly concerned for me trying to care for Mum. I cry when alone. Just briefly so nobody knows. Outwardly I am bright and happy. Staff at the Home ask, ‘hello, how are you today?’ when I visit. ‘Oh fine’, I reply. But it is not fine. Whichever way I look at it, and however much the staff ‘love’ my Mum, it will never be the same as her being with me,, will it? I know she wants to be with us, that is all she wanted. And I have let her down. Why couldn’t I keep her here with me? Others do.
Mum, many years from dementia diagnosis, 12 years, but probably suffered longer. Due to behaviour, especially during the night when she refused to go to bed and was hostile and aggressive – for a long time – we were exhausted, as she lived in our home – went into EMI nursing care almost a year ago. Services to help at home were ineffective or non-existent, and it was only in desperation that we placed her into care.
Her demeanour has not improved since going into care. Her moods are still volatile and very changeable. She began to lose weight form the minute she went into care, refusing to eat or drink. The Home said that this was a consequence of the disease process. I agree that this could be the case, but for the fact that it all coincided with admission to a home. She enjoyed her meals, eatne normally at the table up until she left. My mum would never have wanted to be there. Weight has continued to drop off her, though she has now started to eat again, albeit a soft diet, but body mass is being lost and she looks skeletal.
Confusion is much worse and again I am told that this is the face of dementia. I know that. But niggling away in the background is the fact that she would never have chosen to go there; that all she ever wanted was to be with us. I think it would have continued on its slow course, that she would still be eating as well as she used to eat …and I have caused her downward spiral which has happened since admission. That her continued distress is down to decisions taken on her behalf.
I am trying to be what my family wants me to be – free and with more time to do what I want to do. I have given them more time to follow their dreams, and not be constantly concerned for me trying to care for Mum. I cry when alone. Just briefly so nobody knows. Outwardly I am bright and happy. Staff at the Home ask, ‘hello, how are you today?’ when I visit. ‘Oh fine’, I reply. But it is not fine. Whichever way I look at it, and however much the staff ‘love’ my Mum, it will never be the same as her being with me,, will it? I know she wants to be with us, that is all she wanted. And I have let her down. Why couldn’t I keep her here with me? Others do.