Hello
@Pils/Aline
I noticed that you had posted on another thread
I too feel guilty because. My husband had to go into full time care, because I have a serious heart condition and the medics would not let me have him
home after he went into respite care while I went into hospital. he doesn’t
seem to understand this and thinks it’s my fault that he is where he is. He
is not mobile plus he has heart failure. I spend several hours a day with him
sometimes he seems to be aware that I do a lot that I am not supposed to do like helping to change him (he is incontinent) He cannot stand or move
his feet. He thinks I should take him home or stay there with him.
I didnt want to hijack that thread, so I thought I would post a reply here.
Wanting to come home with us when we visit is very common. When I visited my mum in her care home I found the way to get over this was not to say goodbye to her as this was the trigger for the "want to go home" loop. I didnt take my coat and bag in with me (I left them in the office, other people leave them in the car), so it didnt look like I had come from outside, and it also didnt give a visual cue that I was going home because I didnt pick anything up. I would just say that I needed the loo, or I had to speak to so-and-so, or that I had to go shopping and that I would see her soon. Mum invariably answered "Oh, OK, then" and that was that. One member on here using this method, managed to convince her husband that she did actually live there and when he couldnt see her, she was just around somewhere doing housework.
If your husband starts on the "want to go home" loop, dont try and explain why he cant - he will never be able to understand why and just think that you dont care anymore, which is upsetting for everyone. Instead, say that he there because the doctor says that he needs to get stronger or is convalescing. Alternatively you might say that it is too dark/cold/wet (or some other excuse) to go home that day and you will arrange it tomorrow.
This technique is called "love lies" on here. It is difficult to do when we are so used to being honest with people, but when the truth causes upset or anger because they cannot understand it, it is a way of answering their need. You are effectively saying "You have not been abandoned - there is a good reason for you being here". Its just that they are unable to understand the real reason, so you have to come up with a reason that they can accept
