1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

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Aggression and lost ring !

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by sarahc, Dec 14, 2005.

  1. sarahc

    sarahc Registered User

    Apr 4, 2004
    33
    Yesterday I visited my mum in her lovely care home and noticed that her diamond and sapphire engagement ring was missing. I searched everywhere and told the home manager who pulled out a box of about 30 or so rings, watches, brooches etc that residents had lost. Mum's ring was not among them and it really upsets me that it is gone. I asked mum if she had taken it off and she said ' no, what does it look like anyway?' .Then, as i was trying to subtley discuss with the carer what to do, i stood by mum and stroked her shoulder. Then SUDDENLY, out of the blue she went ballistic about the physical contact and started to hit out yelling ' don't do that ! stop! I don't like that !!'. I was totally upset - she has never done this before - the carers just said 'don't worry - she does this to everyone'. I can't get it out of my head - for me she is totally gone now - there is nothing of my mother left - just an unrecognizable bad tempered old lady i can't even touch. Other people must have been though this - how do you rationalize it ? Also don't know what to do re lost engagement ring - advice please.
    Thanks,
    Sarah
     
  2. allylee

    allylee Registered User

    Feb 28, 2005
    180
    west mids
    Hi Sarah, its a difficult one. My mom has been hiding things for six months or so, and suggests that "people" come into the house to steal them. The list is endless , from her purse, address book , even her hair rollers last week. We play hide and seek most days, and eventually the items do turn up, but not before shes caused much embarrassment by accusing various people of theft. On the other hand, Ive worked as a nurse for many years, and have done agency shifts in homes where theft is a problem. Make an offical complaint to the manager, and ask that the police be involved, if you do believe its been stolen.
    Allt the best Ally xx
     
  3. KarenC

    KarenC Registered User

    Jun 2, 2005
    122
    Los Angeles, USA
    I can sympathize with your feelings about the ring. The dementia home my mom is in cautions families *not* to leave valuable jewelry with residents, as it just presents too much temptation to the staff. I couldn't bring myself to take my mom's wedding ring, however, so ... sure enough, shortly after she moved there is was gone.

    I was a little angry -- what kind of person would steal an old lady's wedding ring? But realistically, there are a lot of help in the home at all times, some pretty low paid, probably most of them entirely honest but the home is right: that is just too much temptation.

    And I don't really regret not having taken the ring away myself. What would I do with it -- keep it for Mom until she gets better and gets out of there? :(

    The good news is that of course Mom is oblivious to this, probably never missed the ring.

    Karen
     
  4. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    One or two residents of Mum's home are very good at picking up anything lying around and putting them in their handbags, so maybe your Mum's ring is in the bag, drawer or pocket of a fellow resident.

    Small objects like rings are often wrapped in paper and stuffed into drawers, cupboards and even behind the wardrobes, so it might be worth a thorough search of her room and areas where she sits.

    Mum's glasses have been lost, found and lost again many times, but they always turn up eventually, once after I paid for a new pair to replace the ones that I thought were lost forever. Of course she now refuses to wear any glasses at all, so that was £86 down the drain.

    Her watch went missing for a few days too, but was found in someone else's room, we have now taken it away.

    It is a horrible thought that someone may have taken the ring on purpose, so hopefully it will be found very soon, for all your sakes.

    Kathleen
    xx
     
  5. rosie777

    rosie777 Registered User

    Dec 17, 2005
    3
    West Yorkshire
    Losing valuables

    I got round this one by taking everything of mum's that was really valuable and giving it to a family member for safekeeping and that included a couple of rings. The thing to do is replace the items with something similar but which are inexpensive. I can understand that there will be a guilt element involved here but at least if something does go missing, it is not a much loved item. My mum only has her wedding and engagement ring on now (which won't come off) and she is now even forgetting to wear her watch or seek it out if it is taken off for a shower. I would imagine it is more difficult if the person is still reasonably aware. I have not experienced much aggression from my mum and I suppose I am lucky on that score and she is now at a stage where she just goes or does what I ask of her without question.
     
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    The assessment centre where Jan last went [back in 2001] always insisted that all items of value be removed while the person was there.

    Jan had no problem with this and never asked for them again.

    I keep them at home now, but her engagement ring has such memories attached that I can only bear to look at it on rare occasions.

    Her original wedding ring fell into the sea in Sardina in th early 1970s and we spent most of the holiday, with other hotel guests, looking for it. Never did find it. I still have the replacement, but it is not the same, memorywise.
     

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