Advice

[tarydew]

My 93yr old mum has moderate dementia, some days she is quite lucid & can appear coherent to people who don’t know her. she has a intercom to speak to people before she buzzes them in but recently she doesn’t seem to know who she’s talking to & so let’s anyone in. she informed me when I visited her that someone had just left but she had no idea who they were, had I not visited when I did she would have forgotten to tell me this.
she is also pressing her fob & leaving her door open which she is unaware of.
I have contacted social services regarding her going into a care home for her own safety but as mum is refusing this they say they can’t force her.
as you can imagine I am beside myself with worry.
mum is very frail & housebound. Carers come in twice a day for personal care, she has a cleaner once a week, meals are delivered every day.
mum is still able to go to the toilet on her own & make herself a drink buts that’s it. She spends her day sitting watching tv
I feel a care home would be of great benefit for her as she gets very anxious & depressed being on her own.
but as she is unable to self fund there is nothing I can do.
i am totally exhausted from caring for her & am on antidepressants & have pain due to mobility issues.
iI don’t have a life due to my care role. I don’t get a day off.
any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

[Gosling]

Hello @tarydew and firstly welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. We are a very friendly and supportive bunch of people with shared experience of the various aspects of dementia.

I am sorry to read about your Mum. It sounds as though you have put a number of things in place for her to stay living in her own home, but you are concerned that this is now now enough to keep her safe. This often occurs as the disease progresses, and although a very difficult decision to make, please remember you will be doing it in her best interests.
The following link may help for information about care homes, for when the time is right, but there's nothing like being prepared:

Care homes: When is the right time and who decides?

Advice and practical tips for carers on when is the right time for a person to be moved to a care home.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

The other thing I would suggest is to get a care needs assessment done for your Mum by Social Services, if not already done. Again the link below may help:

Assessment for care and support in England

What are care assessments and how can people with dementia and their carers access them? This information is for care and support in England.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Members on this forum really do want to help, and you will always find understanding and a listening ear here.

 

[tarydew]

Many thanks for your reply.
it took me 2 yrs to get social services to agree to a care package for mum.in that time I did everything I. have contacted them this week & was told they will allocare a worker but know it could be months before the assessment happens & mum will not agree to a care home so I am going to be left in the same position.
I contacted her dementia practitioner but she was unable to help.
i am at breaking point. I have been caring for mum for 23yrs obviously not to the extent I am now The problem is mum wants to come & live with me but that is not a option but it really pulls at my heart strings & as you all know the guilt of this.
so if a assessment is done & mum says no to a care home what can I do then ? This is badly affecting me.

 

[Paula2u]

If there is a care package in place, why not switch to direct payments and employ someone.. to care .

 

[tarydew]

Mum is part funded & the rest is met by adult social care. She receives carers for 1hr 40mins a day.
As she is letting people she doesn’t know into her home & leaving her door wide open, she would need someone with her all the time. Which mums budget would not cover.
also it would be very difficult to employ someone where I live as there aren’t many private carers around.
i also feel due to her anxiety & worrying about things she would enjoy the company & activities that she can assess in a care home

 

[Jools1402]

Have you informed social services about her letting people in and the door being open? To my mind that is a safeguarding issue which should be flagged up to them. Use those words - safeguarding issue - phone them every day, tell them you are having to withdraw your help to her due to your own health. They are duty bound to keep her safe.

 

[tarydew]

Have you informed social services about her letting people in and the door being open? To my mind that is a safeguarding issue which should be flagged up to them. Use those words - safeguarding issue - phone them every day, tell them you are having to withdraw your help to her due to your own health. They are duty bound to keep her safe.

I have emailed the safeguarding team to ensure I have proof & am awaiting a response.
i have emailed again today as mums door was left open again yesterday.
carers support also contacted them on my behalf & was told they have looked into it & closed the case. So I feel I have a fight on my hands.
I will contact them again tomorrow to inform them I am withdrawing.
thank you very much for your advice

 

[Jools1402]

Unfortunately it all boils down to money. The council have a duty to provide the cheapest care package that will meet a persons needs. They will usually try a "full package" of at home care before they will consider placing someone in a care home. This usually means carers in 4 times a day but no overnight carers. By flagging up that Mum is not safe to be left on her own they should take appropriate action. By flagging up the fact that you are no longer prepared to "fill the gaps" one would hope that they would take that into consideration. However, you are right @tarydew , you will have to push if you want them to take urgent action - squeaky wheels and all that. Good luck

 

[tarydew]

Unfortunately it all boils down to money. The council have a duty to provide the cheapest care package that will meet a persons needs. They will usually try a "full package" of at home care before they will consider placing someone in a care home. This usually means carers in 4 times a day but no overnight carers. By flagging up that Mum is not safe to be left on her own they should take appropriate action. By flagging up the fact that you are no longer prepared to "fill the gaps" one would hope that they would take that into consideration. However, you are right @tarydew , you will have to push if you want them to take urgent action - squeaky wheels and all that. Good luck

Many thanks