Advice supporting family with caring responsibilities

[KLHartford]

I wonder if anyone has any advice to help me.

My grandad is in the early stages of alzheimer's and my gran is his main carer. They both have other medical conditions to deal with as well.

My gran is finding things very hard to deal with. I have tried to help, but I don't seem to be able to do anything right. I've asked what they would like me to do but she says I don't understand and can't help. I have tried
• Finding clubs that might entertain them and taking them to them (or at least offering)
• Taking my grandad out to give my gran a break
• Taking the two of them out to the shops/for lunch
• Going round to sit with them
• Inviting them to come to my house for a meal or just tea

Almost all off my offers are declined and if I arrive unannounced, I am not allowed in or to take them out. My gran continues to tell me that she can't cope and needs help, but I can't find any way to help her. When I ask her directly, she doesn't know what she wants.

At what point should I bring in professional carers during the week when I am at work and unavailable to help?

I want to help them both, but don't know how. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

[luvmenan]

Its hard to know what to do right from wrong but maybe try and see if u could speak to their doctor we did for my nan and although he couldn't say much to us he did take notes and when my nan went in to docs it came up flagged and he spoke to her about care and other things on offer that was a couple of yrs ago now and unfortunately now she is in a care home, not her choice but it might be worth a try and i feel for you just like with my nan u feel helpless even though ur trying take care xx

 

[KLHartford]

Thanks for your reply. I did try calling her GP before but couldn't get past a receptionist who just kept telling me that they "couldn't give me patient details" without listening to the fact that I was trying to report a concern and didn't want them to tell me anything. I've since found out that the surgery has a carer's advocate so I might call again and ask to speak to them. It was just so disheartening calling them before and getting a brick wall.

 

[Grannie G]

If you want to discuss someone else it`s unlikely you`ll get any joy over the phone @KLHartford. When I have had concerns I`ve always booked an appointment, had something in writing prepared and accepted the doctor could listen to me but offer little in return.

Once I had been heard the doctor then took action.

The receptionist has no brief to discuss patients.

Your gran wants help but doesn`t know what help she wants. In effect when she says you can`t help, gran probably wants it all to go away. It sounds as if she is overwhelmed by it all.

The carers advocate will certainly be the best person to make an appointment with.

 

[canary]

The other way that you could bypass reception is to write a letter to the doctor outlining your concerns. Your letter will go on your grandparents file and will show anytime that the doctor looks at the file.

You could always do both - write a letter and contact the carers advocate

 

[KLHartford]

Your gran wants help but doesn`t know what help she wants. In effect when she says you can`t help, gran probably wants it all to go away. It sounds as if she is overwhelmed by it all.

She's definitely feeling overwhelmed and I'm conscious that, as my grandad is still very much in the early stages, there will be much worse to come.

I think she needs some coping strategies in place to help her. She wants to be in control of everything (like what my grandad wears and eats), corrects every little mistake he makes and gets frustrated if he repeats himself. I know that she needs to make sure that he takes the medication he needs, but he's not yet so bad that he can't choose his own clothes or food. He gets cross when she tries to control him and then they bicker. I know that she's doing all this because she's stressed and worried and doesn't know how to cope, but I can't help either of them if they won't let me do anything. Has anyone else found any way of reducing these worries about the little things?

I work full time over an hours drive away from their GP surgery so it's hard to find time to get an appointment there (it's hard enough to find the time to get to my own medical appointments!) I'll see if I can at least book a telephone consultation with the carers advocate.

 

[Grannie G]

I think she needs some coping strategies in place to help her.

I think this might help.

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[RosettaT]

This could be a plea for emotional help than practical? I used to stress over the little things, it was borne out of not wanting things to change and not wanting to see my OH struggle with things he once found easy. I would make suggestions or try to help but I was accused of being patronising, when all I wanted to do was to support him. It was a kind of denial and was time comsuming and mentally draining.
I too didn't want visitors because I wanted to protect my hubby from gossip and certainly didn't want friends to see how he was changing. I only welcomed them when he was having a good day, otherwise I would make excuses such as we were just about to go out. It soon became apparent that to cope, stressing about the little things wasn't going to cut it and isolating ourselves was causing more stress than being open with friends. After all if they judged him they weren't the friends I thought they were.

Would she chat to a councillor to see if they could help? It can be difficult getting people to accept any kind help especially in the older generation as they see it as weakness and reminds them they are not coping as they once did. I can only suggest baby steps and very gentle suggestions.

I hope you find a way to help her accept the changes that are taking place..

(((Hugs)))

 

[Shedrech]

hi @KLHartford
I wonder whether your gran might talk with an Admiral Nurse as they are there to support the carer
if there isn't a nurse in her area, they have a helpline to be able to chat with a nurse

https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/

 

[KLHartford]

Thanks everyone. Some really good food for thought here. I will try some of these things and hope they help.

The compassionate communication sounds exactly what she needs. I will see if I can get her to read it. And I've not heard of admiral nurses before, I don't know if she has.

Thanks again everyone. You've at least made me feel more hopeful about a situation I was beginning to feel hopeless about!