Advice please

[ccliffy]

As my mother's son & caregiver - I have the common problem with denial - ie my mother cannot believe/understand that she has a memory problem which has resulted in me moving her into a retirement residence, managing her finances etc.

I know of course that you cannot simply try to convince her but wondered if a letter from her doctor & lawyer explaining the situation would be helpful if posted on the wall in visible place.

Downside could be triggering a depression, although I hope it would serve to remind her when she calls or says no one comes to see her, why she cant manager he money etc. etc. come up.
Wonder if I could get any input
Thanks in advance

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya ccliffy and welcome to talking point.

The problem with your mum being in denial is very common. This can happen for many reasons including not remembering that they have been told, fear for the future, not recognising that she has any health issues at all. Overall though it is not though that the denial is deliberate. It is not by design and aimed at hacking you off.

You have to put yourself in her shoes and consider what benefits being constantly reminded that she has a life limiting illness would bring for her. The truth of the matter is that a diagnosis normally serves only two purposes. A..it is a gateway to gaining access to medication to slow down the progress of the disease and/or B it acts as a gateway to getting access to support services. So, on that basis there is no NEED for her to know anything is there?

You are right to consider the consequences of repeatedly reminding her that, outside of cancer, Dementia is probably high up on the list so far as diseases that no one wants to encounter! Despite some improvement in awareness of dementia have been achieved, there is still a huge stigma attached to the 'D' word particularly with older generations. For this reason alone I wouldn't tell her.

What you will find is that there is little that you can do for Dementia outside of making sure she takes any medication. What happens with most of us is that we deal with issues and challenges as they arise. As no two people have identical journeys with dementia this is the only realistic approach we can have as we never know what the day might bring. Tomorrow it might be her losing her keys, the next it might be her no longer being able to cook her own meals etc and on and on it goes. The challenge is to work to find solutions to all these things that your mum can cope with. That is where she needs your support. Whether you call it dementia or memory problems and she just calls it 'old age' doesn't matter at the end of the day. What is important to her is finding her keys and knowing that someone is going to prepare her lunch.

You might find the following thread of use to you as it gives you some insight into what your mum is experiencing and gives us tips on how we can modify our communications to make it easier for your mum. http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

Hope this helps,

Fiona

 

[Noorza]

Fifi has it all covered, but there is nothing wrong with using memory aids too. Keep a calendar of when you have visited, so it's a reassuring thing, not a reminder of what she's forgotten. "Lovely day in the garden, autumn sunshine with children" that kind of thing.

Mum was given a memory board, just a white board and marker pen, to make notes on. She has a clock with the day and date on so she can track time better.

She doesn't have to accept she has memory problems these things if done with sensitivity can help. If they don't then don't use them. Never remind them of what they can't do but focus on what they can do gets better results in my limited experience.

 

[ccliffy]

I did put up a big whiteboard calendar and logged when I visited and added doctors appointments etc
She ended up erases the whole thing then later taking it down

she didnt like the reality visible vs what she felt I assume- ie no one came to visit her

Its a common complaint I get that she hasnt seen me in weeks when in fact she sees me at least once a week. Rather than saying you saw me yesterday - should I not argue and just say I'll be by soon?

 

[Noorza]

I did put up a big whiteboard calendar and logged when I visited and added doctors appointments etc
She ended up erases the whole thing then later taking it down

she didnt like the reality visible vs what she felt I assume- ie no one came to visit her

Its a common complaint I get that she hasnt seen me in weeks when in fact she sees me at least once a week. Rather than saying you saw me yesterday - should I not argue and just say I'll be by soon?

No don't argue, let me find you something on this site about positive communication.

The way that everyone I've read find works best is to acknowledge "Does it really feel like that long mum?" so you neither agree nor disagree and distract "Now do you fancy tea or coffee?" or whatever way to change the subject.

You'll exhaust yourself arguing and get nowhere. If the moon is made of blue cheese - admire the shade.

This should be helpful.

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=130

 

[ccliffy]

thanks for all the suggestions. Really struggling to make things better but suggestions make sense

I think I have been my own worst enemy

 

[starryuk]

Well, I have to admit I didn't have a clue about dementia or how to deal with some of Mum's problems at first. I think also I was in denial...even when she was telling me there was something really wrong with her memory.

Real advice, real facts and real empathy is what everyone here has given me and I am very grateful. It is a steep learning curve!

 

[Noorza]

thanks for all the suggestions. Really struggling to make things better but suggestions make sense

I think I have been my own worst enemy

Many many people reach this site when the are in crisis, I know I did, because what I was doing didn't work. We are not born understanding dementia, we have to learn and now I truly believe you have found the right place.

Don't beat yourself up, it's not easy and all we can do is our best.