Advice please

[hibbet]

Hi,I have just joined the forum.I am a middle aged male and my mother has been admitted to a care home with Alzeimers a year ago .She sometimes gets distressed at times by saying that her mother and father(who have been dead for over 30 years)have not been in to see her lately and cant understand why,then breaks into tears.Apart from this being upsetting for both of us,I dont know how to respond to her as she clearly believes they are still alive and no longer care about her.I have asked her carers and they say to just carry on a conversation as if they are still alive as that is what she believes.Is this right?,or should I gently tell her that they are no longer with us and get round it that way?.Seems awful to lie about them being alive in case she reverts back (as she normally does) to a sensible normal conversation.
Any advice greatly received,

 

[Mamsgirl]

Hi Hibbet and welcome to TP!

If your Mum's AD is at the residential care stage it's unlikely she'll be able to remember what you've told her for long at all, but will probably be distressed nonetheless. By following the carers' advice you're not tricking or hiding the truth from your Mum because the poor soul no longer has the ability to process and retain the information.

The following link has been invaluable to me:

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

All the very best,
Toni

 

[Izzy]

Hi Hibbet and welcome to TP. I'm sure you will find lots of help, support and advice here.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum it must be so hard for you. I would have posted the same link as Mamsgirl. I'm sure you'll find that useful.

 

[Bod]

Hi Hibbert
It sounds as if you have just got into the same boat as I've been in for some time with my father.
"When's mother& father coming?"
The reply I give is..don't know I haven't seen them for years.
Then change the subject..or try to!
Stick with the truth! That way you won't forget!
Don't ever mention that they are dead, unless you want to go all through the disbelief/grief stage every time.
Hard I know, but this is the way things go, good luck, keep smiling.

Bod
Ps
Think how you would answer this.."wasn't it nice that mum an dad came to see me last night. We are going to the seaside at the weekend."

 

[Onlyme]

Welcome.

I tell Mum that I haven't seen them for sometime but I will try to see what I can do. If it carries on then they are shopping, at work, walking the dog etc. If Mum got upset about not telling her parents where she was I would leave the room to 'ring' them. If she asked to speak to them I would say they had to ring off because of the cost but they sent their love.

Yes, it's bends the truth but would it do any good for Mum to hear that her parents had died? In her world they are alive so she would mourn them over and over.

Try to live in you mum's world as she can't live in yours now and you will find a weight is lifted off your conversations.

 

[hibbet]

Thanks for replies everyone!

Not sure how to reply to everyone at once so thanks to Izzy,Mamsgirl,Bod and Onlyme for the replies!.I have read the attachment on how to handle mother and seems everyone makes the same mistakes.I was amazed over 100 people had read my note since I sent it a few hours later!.You never think so many people are going through the same as yourself,or have gone through it.Thanks again.

 

[Varandas]

I learn new things every day... and I have 'little' surprises every day too.
Stick to the same replies. I used to say that they are at home and keep on with the conversation up to the moment there is a distraction and ... we are back to normal for a couple of ... seconds - maybe a minute.
Courage

 

[moonshadow]

unfortunately these are answers we have to give to our dementia-suffering loves ones: little lies. I tell my mom her mom or mother-in-law are: shopping, gone for a walk, with aunt, vacation....

does it matter after all? we just try to take away the pain from them...

 

[Mamsgirl]

I have read the attachment on how to handle mother and seems everyone makes the same mistakes.

Hi hibbet,

Dealing with dementia's not rocket science, it's harder because rocket science relies on predictable and established facts ! What you call mistakes I call an entirely reasonable response to a situation....until the dementia wild card comes into play

You've definitely got company!

Take care and good luck with learning the language of Dementia, you'll never look back.

 

[elizabet]

My Mum also talks about her parents and her brother from time to time and has also said they have not been in to see her in her "new hotel" . At the beginning I used to say they could not come at the moment .When I did gently remind her that her brother was dead and she had been to his funeral she will keep saying "Well, no one told me ".
Now I tend to say they are quite busy at present or they are away and change the toic to distract her - oh look at that bird , shall we have a biscuit, etc.Strangely she never mentions her husband (they had been married 44 years).
I have got so much information from this forum and it is heartening to know so many folk are experiencing the same things as myself.