Advice please re care plan meeting

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Ms K, Oct 9, 2015.

  1. Ms K

    Ms K Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    20
    I need some advice please, my OH section 2 is coming to an end and after speaking to the doctors yesterday was led to believe that they would be moving him onto Section 3 as he still needs treatment and is on one to one care 24/7. I don't think he is well enough to come home and agreed with this as we have a young child at home I don't want him home if he is not well enough to be home. I was shocked this afternoon that a nurse was trying to make arrangements for him to come home, suggesting putting my child on safeguarding with SS so that he could come home. This suggests to me that I would be putting my youngest in a harmful situation. The thought of him coming home has put me into blind panic, things were so bad before and I was close to a breakdown myself in trying to care for him, I did not have much support. It has made me realise that I could not cope with this again. I feel so guilty about this but I really can't go through this again and can't put the children through it as it was very stressful for them both as well. My eldest has also said he could not cope with him (he is 19). I have the care plan meeting coming up in just over a week, can they make force me to take him home? We are not married although been together for over 20 years and live in rented accommodation. I feel I need to put the children's well being first and also if it makes me ill who will look after my youngest.
     
  2. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello msk welcome to Talking Point, how old is your partner? What is he suffering from is it Dementia or Alzheimers, if you feel that your children are at risk then you cannot have him home, do you have a Social worker, if so she should know your situation, someone else will be able to help you here, so many people will give you advice.
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,552
    Female
    Scotland
    You could do with an advocate (spokesperson) to back you up if you are nervous about this meeting. If you phone the Alz Society they may be able to provide one. I know Alz Scotland do this. If you have a social worker who has been appointed for you or for the family then contact them and make it clear you cannot have him back. You and the children have rights too.
     
  4. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,282
    SW London
    You must put your children first. I can't believe the nurse suggested putting your child on 'safeguarding' with SS!! If he needs one to one, and you have a young child, how on earth do they expect you to cope?

    I think you will have to be very strong and say you CANNOT have him home. You may have to refuse to discuss it, if anyone tries to persuade or badger you. I believe nobody can be forced to care for another adult. It is all terribly sad for you and your OH, but if you know in your heart that you can no longer cope, you will have to make it crystal clear, and stick to it.

    Good luck, and do please keep us posted.
     
  5. Ms K

    Ms K Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    20
    He is 46 and has Fronto Temporal Dementia, we had been managing with no support for about 3 years, we got a diagnosis in April of Dementia and got allocated a CPN in June and an Adminal Nurse in August so support was only just starting before he was sectioned under section 2. He had got so fixated on me to the point that even helping my daughter with homework made him angry, and we have had to put up with a lot of mental abuse and accusations. He is still not stable enough, they took his belt away from him the other day as he put it round his neck although he told the doctors he wasn't killing himself. I can't believe they could go from one day saying he is still too ill that they are recommending section 3 to the next day talking about sending him home. To me suggesting safeguarding means I would be putting my daughter at risk. The Adminal Nurse is going to come to the meeting but I have a call scheduled with her on Tues so will discuss with her then. We hadn't been allocated a social worker before he was sectioned.
     
  6. Ms K

    Ms K Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    20
    There was no social worker allocated before he was sectioned but we were allocated an Adminal Nurse in August who is suppose to look after the carer and their families interests and welfare. I have a call scheduled on Tues with her so will discussed more with her then, she has agreed to come to the meeting.
     
  7. Ms K

    Ms K Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    20
    I didn't know what he meant at first when the nurse mentioned safeguarding but when he said it was getting SS involved with our daughter I was horrified. It was like he was saying we are prepared to put your daughter in an 'at risk' situation and let you and SS pick up the pieces. I can't do that to her, I am the only parent left who is able to protect her now and if the situation makes me ill what will happen to her. I was close to breaking point when he was sectioned, but after that conversation I feel so much fear for him coming home that I'm starting to wonder if I have already broken but not admitted it to myself, I've tried to carry on as normal and not even taken a day of work since it happened. When he was first sectioned I thought if they could get him stable I could take him home with support but I can't do this at cost to the children plus they have not stabilised him yet. Surely things can't changed that much in a day from needing section 3 one day to the next making arrangements to come home. It makes me wonder if it is because he is only 46 it will be difficult finding in a bed in somewhere suitable and maybe there is the pressure for the bed in the assessment unit.
     
  8. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,282
    SW London
    One thing I meant to add, is there anyone - a friend or relative - who can accompany you to this care plan meeting? Someone strong, who will back you up to the hilt and not allow anyone to 'persuade' you?
    I have not been in this position, but I gather it can be very hard to stand firm if there is just one of you and two or three of them trying to make you do what you feel you just can't cope with any more. Especially if you are feeling stressed and vulnerable anyway. I'm not saying this will necessarily happen, but it's certainly been known.
     
  9. Ms K

    Ms K Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    20
    That is a good point, I had not thought about bringing along anyone. One of my sisters is very good at being strong for others I will speak to her.
     
  10. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    I hope everything goes well for you all. xxx
     
  11. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    Hello ms k l had a care assessment meeting last Mon, my son came with me for support, my hubby has been in care home for one month, it was not as bad as l thought it would be, l can no longer look after my hubby, l said if you send him home l will move out and live with my son, the conclusion was he says in the CH. Take a member of family with you, your partner is very young, but you cannot cope with him. I hope all goes well for you.
     
  12. Ms K

    Ms K Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    20
    Thank you for all your advice and good wishes. I have spoken to my sister this afternoon and she is going to come with me to the meeting, and if necessarily said she would drag me out of the meeting rather than have me forced to take on too much. She knows what we have had to cope with and she said if she was in my shoes she would say the same as me as well as telling me not to feel guilty as I have done all I can for him for a long time. There is no way I would want our daughter on an 'at risk' register and have her in an unsafe environment and I have to do the best thing for her now.
     
  13. Casbow

    Casbow Registered User

    Sep 3, 2013
    979
    Colchester
    Ms K

    So sorry to hear about your awful problems and unhappiness. You must stick to what you know is best. I don,t know how you have managed this far. Be strong for your young famiy and rest easy that your OH will be better looked after by professionals. You have done your best.Good luck and my love.x
     
  14. Ms K

    Ms K Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    20
    Well it has been an eventful day. I had a call this morning to say that an urgent Mental Health Assessment had been arranged for later in the day as it had slipped through the net that my OH's Section 2 was due to expire at midnight tonight. I was very firm on the call as to why I could not take him home and from reading the notes the Consultant Psychiatrist said that it looked more likely they would move him onto Section 3. I got the call later this afternoon to say that they have moved him to Section 3, I am very relieved that they didn't try to force him home.
     
  15. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    I am very relieved for you. Hope you can relax a bit now and be ready for the next stages. You did well to stand firm, especially as the phone call was unexpected. Stay strong.
     
  16. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    I'm so relieved for you Ms K!
     
  17. Ms K

    Ms K Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    20
    Thanks, looking forward to a good nights sleep tonight. The phone call did throw me a bit, not sure if the care plan meeting is going ahead next week or not now, I guessing today's decision has meant this will be put back, but will check tomorrow. It is slightly concerning that they could have forgot he was under section.
     
  18. Ms K

    Ms K Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    20
    Thanks Cat27, can relax for a bit, until the next time.
     
  19. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,418
    The "good" news about this decision (not that he's good that he is so ill but I hope you know what I mean) is that now he's on a Section 3, he will be eligible for section 117 aftercare in the event that they can stabilize him enough to be released from the assessment facility.

    I completely agree with you that you cannot care for him and a young child and am relieved that you have some breathing room.
     
  20. Ms K

    Ms K Registered User

    Sep 16, 2015
    20
    Yes I know what you mean, that is one blessing. Although we are below the savings limit and rent our house, I wasn't sure whether they would take my earnings into consideration when deciding funding and whether I would effectively be funding two households. I can afford our household on my money and have been for some time, but I would have really struggled to afford care home fees on top. This is something I don't have to worry about now.
     

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