Advice on supporting mum

[Alibaba80]

Good Evening,
My mum was diagnosed with Dementia 2years ago, 6 months after my Dad died. She is 78 and lives alone. Since lockdown she hasn’t had anyone to check on her. She has a cleaner through Age UK but she has had to stop coming and I live in Somerset- 180 miles away. Her sister is also elderly and I am an only child.
I have come down to visit her today and am really worried about her. Not only does sloop incredibly thin but she also looks jaundice- I’m going to ring her GP on Monday.
I also arrived to find her freezer completely iced up. She told her the door has broken so she has to wedge it shut - it hadn’t broken, it was too iced up to close.
So my question is what do I do? She can still cook a ready meal and shower and dress herself so she doesn’t need a carer - but she is struggling to cope on her own.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello @Alibaba80

It sounds as though your mum could do with someone checking on her and making sure she’s looking after herself. She’s probably forgetting to eat properly so having someone check on her at lunch time just to make sure she has a hot meal would help put your mind at rest. Carers do a lot more than just provide personal care they can clean and keep your mum company while she eats her lunch or whatever she needs. If your mum doesn’t like the idea of a carer you could always introduce them as home helpers or cleaners or whatever she would find acceptable.

I know it’s harder in these times but it really sounds as though your mum isn’t coping. If Age UK won’t help call Social Services for a needs assessment.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Good Evening,
My mum was diagnosed with Dementia 2years ago, 6 months after my Dad died. She is 78 and lives alone. Since lockdown she hasn’t had anyone to check on her. She has a cleaner through Age UK but she has had to stop coming and I live in Somerset- 180 miles away. Her sister is also elderly and I am an only child.
I have come down to visit her today and am really worried about her. Not only does sloop incredibly thin but she also looks jaundice- I’m going to ring her GP on Monday.
I also arrived to find her freezer completely iced up. She told her the door has broken so she has to wedge it shut - it hadn’t broken, it was too iced up to close.
So my question is what do I do? She can still cook a ready meal and shower and dress herself so she doesn’t need a carer - but she is struggling to cope on her own.

Hi @Alibaba80 I do think your mum needs a carer. Is your mum actually heating a meal or is that what she is telling you? Same with washing herself? My mother-in-law often said she could cook etc but the reality was she could do little for herself. The same with personal care, but she hadn't washed her hair for months before family realised more was going on.

A carer would be able to provide company, prompt medication, prepare meals, prompt drinks, be present at home visits from a district nurse or doctor ,update you with her welfare, accompany her shopping. Plus more. My mother-in-law had many hours of carers visiting, albeit she was self funding.

 

[Alibaba80]

Thank you both. I see her heat meals so I know that she can do that but if anything happens that isn’t in her ‘normal’ routine she is completely thrown. Currently she posts me her shopping list once a fortnight and I do an online shopping order for her. I’ll contact Age Uk again on Monday. Or do the Altzheimers society arrange carers? I think she could do with be assessed again.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Thank you both. I see her heat meals so I know that she can do that but if anything happens that isn’t in her ‘normal’ routine she is completely thrown. Currently she posts me her shopping list once a fortnight and I do an online shopping order for her. I’ll contact Age Uk again on Monday. Or do the Altzheimers society arrange carers? I think she could do with be assessed again.

Contact the local adult social care for a needs assessment. If your mum is self funding, has over £23250 , in assets other than the house ,she will need to pay for any care herself and you can contact a care agency yourself. I'm not sure my numbers above are quite right, but others will be along soon with the correct answer.

 

[Brother47]

Good Evening,
My mum was diagnosed with Dementia 2years ago, 6 months after my Dad died. She is 78 and lives alone. Since lockdown she hasn’t had anyone to check on her. She has a cleaner through Age UK but she has had to stop coming and I live in Somerset- 180 miles away. Her sister is also elderly and I am an only child.
I have come down to visit her today and am really worried about her. Not only does sloop incredibly thin but she also looks jaundice- I’m going to ring her GP on Monday.
I also arrived to find her freezer completely iced up. She told her the door has broken so she has to wedge it shut - it hadn’t broken, it was too iced up to close.
So my question is what do I do? She can still cook a ready meal and shower and dress herself so she doesn’t need a carer - but she is struggling to cope on her own.

So sorry to hear this. Distance is a problem. I had the same with brother who is 73 and lives alone in Bristol. I live in N Devon and initially he refused to let me help him. He was in denial of his condition and also very stubborn. He was getting very thin and looking unkempt . So after some searching on the internet, I reported him to Social Services as being 'at risk' which I think you Mum probably is if she's not looking after herself. Social Services visited my brother every week or two and tried to help him by offering various services which he could have at a small cost. He refused most of the help on offer. They recommended he have daily hot meals service which eventually he tried but he didn't like answering the door to strangers. His Social Services lady had to turn up one day to be there when the meal arrived but he didn't like the one meal at all. However Social Services persevered and helped me to convince him he needed help which he finally accepted last Autumn. He now had daily care from a private care company. His carer is a lovely lady who cooks a hot lunch for him and does a bit of shopping and a few chores. She only visits for 2 hours a day but it's made his life much easier and he's more comfortable at home, which is a huge relief for me given his condition is progressing quite rapidly. Do try contacting Social Services and her doctor and explain the situation. It's such a worry when someone is far away. Good luck.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @Alibaba80 . I see you already have some good advice regarding carers. It does sound as though your mum needs someone to check on her (which would also help put your mind at rest). In the meantime, I wonder if you should add some easy to eat and no-cook things to your mum's food order which might tempt her to eat more. I used to buy my mum high calorie low effort things like sausage rolls, mini pork pies, mini quiches, potato salads, pots of custard, individual fruit pies, soft rolls., cream cheese. It's hot at the moment, so cold food is quite appealing.