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Advice on coping

Mrs CV Smith

New member
Jul 20, 2019
1
Hi everyone am new hear,so have lots of questions.
My husband went to Doctor in November last year,then went to memory clinic,has been told he can’t drive.We are waiting now for result of brain scan,and will get an answer on August 1st.
I am managing him ok at the moment,but have such fear for the future,I can’t seem to stop the anxiety and sleepless nights.Have got POA in place.Daughter lives 20 minutes away, works full time,I don’t want to place the worry on her so just get on with it.Sometimes I feel I’m walking through treacle is the only way I can describe it.I adore my husband ( Second) we’ve been really happy. He’s always been easy going, gentle and kind,is he likely to change that much? and in what space of time?Any answers greatly appreciated
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,594
South coast
Hello @Mrs CV Smith and welcome to DTP.

Im sorry to hear the news about your husband. It is always overwhelming when you first get a diagnosis, even if you are expecting it.

Its good to hear that you have a POA in place (is it registered? If not, now is the time to do it) and family nearby. It does sound, though, as if you are very stressed and depressed - I recognise that feeling of walking through treacle - so maybe a trip to the GP for yourself might help.

Unfortunately, there is no way of knowing what will happen in the future in any detail. Some people with dementia progress very quickly and some progress much more slowly. Not everyone will get all the symptoms - my mum was never really violent (although she did go through an agitated phase) and many people on here say that their person with dementia remained sweet and gentle to the end.

The Alzheimers Society has produced a range of factsheets that you might find helpful
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

If there are any specific questions you have then just ask - there is bound to be at least one person on here who has gone through the same problem
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
60,910
68
Dundee
Welcome from me too @Mrs CV Smith.

I’m so sorry to read about your situation but I’m glad you’ve found the Dementia Talking Point Forum. There’s always someone around here who will listen and you’ll always get support here.

My mum had vascular dementia. She never became really violent but she did become quite agitated. Especially when she had a urine infection.

My husband had Alzheimers and he lived 15 years from diagnosis (although he was showing symptoms before that). If lucky is the right word then we were lucky that he never showed any signs of aggression and retained his calm and gentle nature throughout. We did face many problems but the fact that he remained gentle helped tremendously.

Please keep visiting the forum and keep posting. It’s a great place to share concerns, ask questions or even have a rant if that’s what you need.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,025
Scotland
I’m another one whose husband is good natured as indeed he always was. He can though be very stubborn and unable to see reason as reason and logic disappear with dementia. It has been a tough seven years but we’ve got through it with help from Alzheimer’s Scotland, groups like Football memories and Musical Minds then eventually moving on to daycare which has been a godsend.

Ask questions and read the experience on here of others. You will get useful advice.
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
428
Mid Lincs
My husband is another who sweet and gentle. He always knew his own mind and woud do what he believed was right even if I thought he should have let something go, so if anything he is even more amenable. Fingers crossed he will always be.

It can still be tough at times but my coping mechanism was to face it full on and let the irritating little things go. I won't allow dementia to dictate how I feel even if I can't control what it throws at me.

Keep posting you will find strength here, support & understanding.
 

lilypat

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
211
Yorkshire
Hi and welcome ,I too have a husband who only got his diagnosis ,just last November so we have yet to reach a year . I too was very much like you full of dread and fear , I found my sleep pattern went to pieces I was struggling to cope . then I found this site and it has really helped . you can ask anything day or night . about anything and as its all private I found it easier than asking family or friends who sometimes get upset ,
all I can add is take all the help you can get from anyone who offers
 

mickeyplum

Registered User
Feb 22, 2018
123
There doesn't seem to be any way of knowing how things will pan out. My husband is 90 and has had dementia for 4 years. He has always been kind and loving and as time has gone on he has become even more so. Maybe this is cos deep down he recognises how much he needs me so he cooperates and agrees to anything I ask. So far so good but I'll hold on to that while I can.
I've also found that he stays calm because I never disagree with him and I give him lots of hugs and loving words. Any clash of opinions between us increases his anxiety levels and makes life harder for both of us so I try to just go with the flow.
I won't say it's is easy or that I never get irritated or depressed at the fact that the man I've loved for over 60 years is no longer the same man, but I know he would care for me lovingly if our positions were reversed. I'm sure you know your loved one would do the same, so good luck to both you and don't forget you have lots of friends on Talking Point
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,422
North West
The best advice others have given me is to take things one day at a time. The problem is remembering to apply it to ourselves. Not easy when things sometimes get ahead of us and we feel overwhelmed. Take care
 

fishfinger

New member
Jul 13, 2019
7
Hello
My 86yr old dad has been diagnosed , 4 months ago.He has been in and out of hospital with infections and now in rehab,he may need permanent care. Why is he so rude and nasty to me when I visit ?? I am still coming to terms with the diagnosis but this is really distressing me.
 

Trekker

Registered User
Jun 18, 2019
157
London
Hello
My 86yr old dad has been diagnosed , 4 months ago.He has been in and out of hospital with infections and now in rehab,he may need permanent care. Why is he so rude and nasty to me when I visit ?? I am still coming to terms with the diagnosis but this is really distressing me.
I’m sorry your dad is nasty to you. My mother is too. In my mother’s case it is significant part of the way her dementia presents, and gets worse if she is hallucinating and is also driven by her delusions and her anxiety. It is the thing that many of us find the most distressing. Unfortunately it is what it is. There is no reasoning with a PWD as they have a different reality which drives their behaviour, cannot be reasoned with - the very nature of dementia, and lose empathy for others. The one thing I can promise you is that we care x
 

fishfinger

New member
Jul 13, 2019
7
I’m sorry your dad is nasty to you. My mother is too. In my mother’s case it is significant part of the way her dementia presents, and gets worse if she is hallucinating and is also driven by her delusions and her anxiety. It is the thing that many of us find the most distressing. Unfortunately it is what it is. There is no reasoning with a PWD as they have a different reality which drives their behaviour, cannot be reasoned with - the very nature of dementia, and lose empathy for others. The one thing I can promise you is that we care x