Advice on Carehome Decisions

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by sheliawonder, Dec 17, 2018.

  1. sheliawonder

    sheliawonder New member

    Dec 17, 2018

    My nan suffers with dementia, she is already at the stage where she is struggling to walk and is sometimes violent.

    She lives with my grandad still who is not well himself, but he refuses to put her in a home. I think it's partly due to guilt and pride, but also for fear of his own loneliness.

    However, I am starting to feel like it is unfair on himself, the rest of the family and particulary my nan, that she is not in a home where all of her needs can be met, and where perhaps they may better understand how to deal with this decline in her state of mind.

    I was just wondering if anyone had any advice to talk to family members about this? I cannot force him to make that decision but it's proving difficult for everyone and it's hard to approach him to change his mind. Anyone who has been through the same thing? Or maybe i'm being too judgmental..
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello @sheliawonder, you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

    I don't yet have experience of this but other members will have and I'm sure you will get replies. In the meantime do take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

    You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required, when to consider a Care Home and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc.

    Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
  3. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    Your nan and grandad are used to operating as a unit, so while you see the potential advantages of a care home your grandfather wants things to stay as they are (in as much as that is possible). He probably also puts himself in her position and thinks he wouldn't want to be in a care home. I doubt you will be able to change his mind.

    At some point there may be a crisis, for example your nan will have a fall and end up in hospital. That is often the point at which social services get involved, and it may also be the time when your grandad sees that the best option would be a move her to a care home. In the meantime I'm sure you all support them as much as possible, I know it's difficult.
  4. sheliawonder

    sheliawonder New member

    Dec 17, 2018

    Thanks so much, that's great advice.
  5. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Hello, @sheliawonder, and welcome to Talking Point. I am sorry to hear about the situation with your grandparents. I hope you will find TP to be helpful and supportive.

    Do they currently have any support or help? For example, carers coming in, a befriending service, that sort of thing? Does your nan attend a local day centre? Has there been a recent assessment for services? If not, those might be helpful. If yes, it may be time to re-evaluate and increase the care package. Sadly, dementia gets worse and things change. Sometimes you do have to wait for a crisis to be able to help, but it's worth trying. You sound worried about them both, and no wonder. Caring for someone with dementia is exhausting and relentless and when there are issues such as incontinence, sleeping problems, or behavioural changes, it can be a nightmare.

    Best wishes to you and your family.
  6. Graybiker

    Graybiker Registered User

    Oct 3, 2017
    County Durham
    Hi Sheila and welcome,
    Some good advice already. I’m trying to remember how we got Dad to accept mam needed more care and I think a lot of it was down to the social worker. We’d tried daycare but it wasn’t easy getting her there, we’d tried carers coming in but dad didn’t like it and stopped it, then, as mentioned already, there was a crisis and she went to a home for respite. Respite again a few months later and I think Dad could then see that she was actually better off there with company and the right amount of care. It was also a good opportunity to try out a couple of different homes.
    I think the break from caring can make the carer realise just how tough life has become.
    Of course it’s hard, mam and dad celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary a couple of months after mam went in, they’ve been together a long time, but I think the Social Worker helped dad see things more clearly and easier to take than from family.
    Anyway, hope you find a solution that works for all, good luck x

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