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advice needed we're desperate

clairc

Registered User
Jul 14, 2015
6
My mother in law has not long been diagnosed with Az and seems to be progressing so fast. Me and my husband are juggling caring for her whilst both working full time and raising the kids. The last week has been awful and we can't continue like this we have had several calls from neighbours saying our mother in law is screaming and shouting outside the house and keeps going wandering naturally we go running and calm her and make sure she's safe just for her to disappear again. She is experiencing severe illusions and thinks she has a houseful of people many of who she believes are there to take her house she has become so paranoid she's now even accused my husband of trying to steal all her money. After talking with her I believe she's wandering to get away from the house and yet the doctor has said he don't want to five her anything for the illusions cause he don't like then. Have been to social services but they say she didn't yet meet their criteria for support yet every day something happens with her and it actually feels like I'm going mad as I'm constantly sat here waiting for the next call and we can't go on like this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I feel like no one is interested in helping us and am worried that it will result in my mother in law having a big accident.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,014
London
You cannot be forced to look after another person. Sadly, your social services team seem to need another nudge about THEIR duty of care. There are four magical words that they cannot ignore. They are VULNERABLE ADULT AT RISK. She is wandering so she is putting herself at risk. Ring them again tomorrow and say those words and INSIST they assess her again. Plus, you have a right to a carers assessment as well, the new care act enshrines that right, so ask them for one once you're at it. If you still feel you are getting nowhere or are fobbed off, get a charity like Age UK, Alzheimer's Society or the Carers Centre to be an advocate for you and contact them on your behalf. This situation cannot continue. You need support.
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,953
You're not being listened to by anybody are you? It's dreadful

You become more difficult to ignore if you write down what's been happening, when and what the risks of injury or death were in the situation you're describing.

For example, the neighbours have contacted you on a number of occasions to say your mother in law is wandering. Would these neighbours write down the details of these incidents (eg did they see your MIL crossing busy roads but not paying any attention to the traffic because she was so upset and disorientated? Did they see her wandering at night or when she wasn't properly dressed for the weather conditions?)? Your notes will also help the GP see how often these incidents are happening and whether there's a pattern to them. Depending on how bad it is, your MIL might be a "vulnerable adult ... at risk"; if she is then Social Services must see the risk is reduced to acceptable levels.

Keep records of your correspondence (eg emails) with the professionals so you and they can refer to it as necessary.

I think you also need to emphasise that you and your husband can only do a limited amount of the care / safeguarding your MIL needs because you both work full time and are also raising your young children. Your MIL needs a care package that doesn't depend on the family.
 

henfenywfach

Registered User
May 23, 2013
332
rct
My mother in law has not long been diagnosed with Az and seems to be progressing so fast. Me and my husband are juggling caring for her whilst both working full time and raising the kids. The last week has been awful and we can't continue like this we have had several calls from neighbours saying our mother in law is screaming and shouting outside the house and keeps going wandering naturally we go running and calm her and make sure she's safe just for her to disappear again. She is experiencing severe illusions and thinks she has a houseful of people many of who she believes are there to take her house she has become so paranoid she's now even accused my husband of trying to steal all her money. After talking with her I believe she's wandering to get away from the house and yet the doctor has said he don't want to five her anything for the illusions cause he don't like then. Have been to social services but they say she didn't yet meet their criteria for support yet every day something happens with her and it actually feels like I'm going mad as I'm constantly sat here waiting for the next call and we can't go on like this. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I feel like no one is interested in helping us and am worried that it will result in my mother in law having a big accident.
Hi!..
I care for my dad who has dementia for the past 5 years..and this social services issue is something that lots if people get time and time again..

Firstly they dont have criteria..of someone needs help they give it..
Even if benefits have to contribute to it..what their saying is budgetry nonsense..

They are obligied by law to give an assessment..and to look after your welfare too as a carer.

I would update your memory clinic if there is one..and your gp.
The loudest voice gets heard first!!
Even if there isnt a particular services your way..they can suggest alternatives..

VUNERABLE..AT RISK..Care act 2014 or health and wellbeing act wales...
If you continue to be refused help..why not try an alzheimers society advocate you can speak on your behalf..

Keep strong and best wishes

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app
 

clairc

Registered User
Jul 14, 2015
6
Thank you everyone for your advice I think I will have to look into the care act and then try and be more assertive with social services. Spoke to social services again this morning after finding my mother packing a suitcase to go and live by the coast Christ knows where she would of ended up if hadn't caught her however the social worker said unfortunately it often has to reach a crises before getting help :mad: The mental health doctor suggested taking her to a+e if she acting irrationally out of hours but we are scared of her being sectioned is this as bad as it sounds. Thanks once again.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,014
London
What more of a crisis do these idiotic people want? Get the charities I mentioned involved, they should know what to say to them! Makes my blood boil.
Get the police involved if she wanders off, they ought to then get SS involved.
Being sectioned might not be as bad as you think - they'd look at medication and get her proper help. Plus, no one can be discharged from hospital without a care package in place. They have social workers in hospital who should act on that.
 

Long-Suffering

Registered User
Jul 6, 2015
425
Thank you everyone for your advice I think I will have to look into the care act and then try and be more assertive with social services. Spoke to social services again this morning after finding my mother packing a suitcase to go and live by the coast Christ knows where she would of ended up if hadn't caught her however the social worker said unfortunately it often has to reach a crises before getting help :mad: The mental health doctor suggested taking her to a+e if she acting irrationally out of hours but we are scared of her being sectioned is this as bad as it sounds. Thanks once again.
"Unfortunately it often has to reach a crisis before getting help".

It's the same with people who are seriously mentally ill. I know of people who have gone to the doctor asking to be admitted to hospital and they haven't been, then shortly after they've seriously harmed themselves or someone else. Seems to be the way the whole medical/welfare system works: a clean-up job too late instead of prevention.

So sorry to hear you are having to go through all this unnecessary stress on top of having to deal with your MIL's illness. BTW, try not to worry about your mum being sectioned. It isn't like they come and drag them into a padded van kicking and screaming, which is maybe what you are imagining. My mum was sectioned due to mental illness and she went by taxi. The hospital told us what time they were admitting her and so we ordered a taxi and she went to hospital. It all depends on how you explain it to your mum and how she reacts. In your case, if it happens I would suggest taking advantage of that desire she has to go on holiday. You could say, "Okay, today you really are going on holiday to a lovely hotel! Aren't you excited!? Here. let's pack all your favourite stuff that you'll need". Might well work.

Best of luck!

LS

LS
 

clairc

Registered User
Jul 14, 2015
6
What more of a crisis do these idiotic people want? Get the charities I mentioned involved, they should know what to say to them! Makes my blood boil.
Get the police involved if she wanders off, they ought to then get SS involved.
Being sectioned might not be as bad as you think - they'd look at medication and get her proper help. Plus, no one can be discharged from hospital without a care package in place. They have social workers in hospital who should act on that.
Thank you so much I will look into the charities as suggested I think if she doesn't have a crises I will soon if they don't help:eek:
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
Just to try and reassure you; my late Husband was sectioned a few times and he was never hurt in the slightest. He received the help he needed in a Mental Health Institution and he was treated with care and consideration at all times

Take care

Lyn T XX
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,051
GLASGOW
Your MILs neighbours may need to phone the police to say they are worried about her getting hurt before anything much happens. My mums neighbour did that and social services they gave her a social worker to assess her.

Even ringing 101 instead of 999. She is at risk and needs help. Best of luck.
 

clairc

Registered User
Jul 14, 2015
6
"Unfortunately it often has to reach a crisis before getting help".

It's the same with people who are seriously mentally ill. I know of people who have gone to the doctor asking to be admitted to hospital and they haven't been, then shortly after they've seriously harmed themselves or someone else. Seems to be the way the whole medical/welfare system works: a clean-up job too late instead of prevention.

So sorry to hear you are having to go through all this unnecessary stress on top of having to deal with your MIL's illness. BTW, try not to worry about your mum being sectioned. It isn't like they come and drag them into a padded van kicking and screaming, which is maybe what you are imagining. My mum was sectioned due to mental illness and she went by taxi. The hospital told us what time they were admitting her and so we ordered a taxi and she went to hospital. It all depends on how you explain it to your mum and how she reacts. In your case, if it happens I would suggest taking advantage of that desire she has to go on holiday. You could say, "Okay, today you really are going on holiday to a lovely hotel! Aren't you excited!? Here. let's pack all your favourite stuff that you'll need". Might well work.

Best of luck!

LS

LS
Thank you for your advice so worried she will blame us if ends up being sectioned but find myself having to tell her a lot of white lies recently so your idea might work thank you.
 

clairc

Registered User
Jul 14, 2015
6
Just to try and reassure you; my late Husband was sectioned a few times and he was never hurt in the slightest. He received the help he needed in a Mental Health Institution and he was treated with care and consideration at all times

Take care

Lyn T XX
That is so good to hear thank you x
 

Long-Suffering

Registered User
Jul 6, 2015
425
Thank you for your advice so worried she will blame us if ends up being sectioned but find myself having to tell her a lot of white lies recently so your idea might work thank you.
No problem :)

Ultimately, it'll be a medical professional who makes the decision, so there is no need to blame yourself. Plus, let's face it, our loved ones with dementia can end up blaming us for anything without any reason, so you have to kind of stop worrying about the whole being blamed thing in general. You have no control over that. Anyway, you can just say that the doctor ordered it, which will be true.

As Lyn T said, the patients are treated well. My mum actually enjoyed her time in hospital. She still talks about it fondly even today (but that's because she was "the only one in there that wasn't mad!") :rolleyes:

Good luck. I hope you feel a bit more reassured now.

LS
 

clairc

Registered User
Jul 14, 2015
6
No problem :)

Ultimately, it'll be a medical professional who makes the decision, so there is no need to blame yourself. Plus, let's face it, our loved ones with dementia can end up blaming us for anything without any reason, so you have to kind of stop worrying about the whole being blamed thing in general. You have no control over that. Anyway, you can just say that the doctor ordered it, which will be true.

As Lyn T said, the patients are treated well. My mum actually enjoyed her time in hospital. She still talks about it fondly even today (but that's because she was "the only one in there that wasn't mad!") :rolleyes:

Good luck. I hope you feel a bit more reassured now.

LS
Thank you LS your post did make me smile cause its so true my mother in law talks about others who are acting mad and don't realise she's the same thank you so much you brightened my day x
CC
 

susy

Registered User
Jul 29, 2013
801
North East
Ask your neighbours to phone the police the next time she does this. This situation is dangerous and unfair on everyone, most of all your mum!!! I can't believe that both the GP and the SW are so unhelpful. With the police witnessing this and becoming involved they will access social services for you. I'd also be insisting on some other dr assessing her like a hospital mental health services type of dr. Maybe he might "believe" in medication that can help her enough for her to stay at home a little longer.

I must admit I read what you said and am totally fuming on your behalf.

I really hope you get the help you deserve and need. X